Sorry, Virgil – I was being light-hearted. This is the jokes thread after all and I was not admonishing papayahed, merely continuing the ‘Catholics need suffering’ idea. I should have used a smiling emoticon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
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Sorry, Virgil – I was being light-hearted. This is the jokes thread after all and I was not admonishing papayahed, merely continuing the ‘Catholics need suffering’ idea. I should have used a smiling emoticon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
I've probably said it on the Forums before, but I think it's funny enough to merit a rerun:
"Puritans: People so uptight, the English kicked 'em out!"
--Robin Williams
That is hilarious!! :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
His most famous joke:
NAGG:
Let me tell it again.
(Raconteur's voice.)
An Englishman, needing a pair of striped trousers in a hurry for the New Year festivities, goes to his tailor who takes his measurements.
(Tailor's voice.)
"That's the lot, come back in four days, I'll have it ready." Good. Four days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"So sorry, come back in a week, I've made a mess of the seat." Good, that's all right, a neat seat can be very ticklish. A week later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Frightfully sorry, come back in ten days, I've made a hash of the crotch." Good, can't be helped, a snug crotch is always a teaser. Ten days later.
(Tailor's voice.)
"Dreadfully sorry, come back in a fortnight, I've made a balls of the fly." Good, at a pinch, a smart fly is a stiff proposition.
(Pause. Normal voice.)
I never told it worse.
(Pause. Gloomy.)
I tell this story worse and worse.
(Pause. Raconteur's voice.)
Well, to make it short, the bluebells are blowing and he ballockses the buttonholes.
(Customer's voice.)
"God damn you to hell, Sir, no, it's indecent, there are limits! In six days, do you hear me, six days, God made the world. Yes Sir, no less Sir, the WORLD! And you are not bloody well capable of making me a pair of trousers in three months!"
(Tailor's voice, scandalized.)
"But my dear Sir, my dear Sir, look---
(disdainful gesture, disgustedly)
---at the world---
(Pause.)
and look---
(loving gesture, proudly)
---at my TROUSERS!"
Samuel Beckett, Endgame
Two crazy men are planning to run away from the Hospital. The smart one whispers to the stupid one's ear:
"Go and see the gate. If it's too low we'll jump over it, if it's too high we'll dig a hole.
After three hours the stupid man comes back very alarmed and says:
"We can't run! Oh my god! We can't run away!"
"Why not?"
"There's no gate."
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks one language? American.
Count Dracula is on the pull in Spennymoor. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various pubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Durham Road sometime before sunrise.
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.
He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?
A few yards further on and .. BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and ... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.
He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.
He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who Are You?"
This is bad, I'm sorry!
Buffet the Vampire Slayer, she replies
Hazel - That was really, really bad. :p
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little white guy says, "Turner Brown!!!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"
Here's one straight out of 3rd grade:
Three lunatics are given a test to see if they are ready to be let out of the asylum. The test is this: they must be able to correctly state a fact about a mundane object, to show that they do not suffer from any delusions. Arbitrarily, the doctors choose the subject: Spiders.
Lunatic number one says: "Spiders have eight legs." This, of course, is correct and he is let out into the world.
Lunatic number two states: "Spiders make spiderwebs." Again, true, so he is also released.
Lunatic number three looks around the (not too well-cleaned) room, spots a spider and grabs it from its web. He then proceeds to yank its eight legs off, puts it down on the table and commands it "GO!" When the legless spider doesn't move, the lunatic looks triumphantly at the doctors and states:
"Spiders can't hear without legs!"
LMFAO!!!!!!!! awmygawd :lol: :lol: That's hilariousQuote:
Originally Posted by emily655321
oh wow...this is turning good!
here's one:
Secret Messages
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
another one:
Italian huh?
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Hope you liked 'em Virgil :D :D
:lol: That's great.Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
But, oh my, these are starting to get rather crude! :eek: :D I'll try to find some clean ones.
*away I go*