write or share a poem

I loved your poem Asa Adams! Lovely and so colorful.

I also liked Penn's poem very much. I loved the ending line. I will try to comment further on both tomorrow....I am a little too tired tonight to think clearly.

I wanted to read your poem a couple more times before comments, Asa. Nice. I like the "wine floor" and how it goes with "The wine has flowed too easily". Very good imagry. :thumbs_up

hello..here's one i would like to share=)

Standing at this junction
i lost my sense of self.
cars and people rushing by
they cross my path
but never did stop to say "hi".

Lost is the weight that balances me
I can't find the answer
to the customary, 'How are you?'
Self-deception would be
if i said, 'fine'
for the truth would shatter my pride.

i'm just a beginner so i really hope to get your opinions =)

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Originally Posted by harshwaves

hello..here's one i would like to share=)

Standing at this junction
i lost my sense of self.
cars and people rushing by
they cross my path
but never did stop to say "hi".

Lost is the weight that balances me
I can't find the answer
to the customary, 'How are you?'
Self-deception would be
if i said, 'fine'
for the truth would shatter my pride.

i'm just a beginner so i really hope to get your opinions =)

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I like it. Simple yet meaningful. Only thing I would change is to leave out the words "for the" in the last line, and end on simply truth would shatter my pride... I can really relate to this poem!

Pen

I agree with Pen about the last line and second his appreciation of the poem. Good job! :D

That was a great poem Harshwaves :D

Harshwaves - this poem is terrific. Very simple and very meaningful. I can relate to it also. Same - I am in agreement about leaving out those few words in last line - not necessary and reads much more effectively. Good closing line. I love the line "Lost is the weight that balances me" - that is brilliant.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Janine

I loved your poem Asa Adams! Lovely and so colorful.

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Thanks alot Janine!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pendragon

I wanted to read your poem a couple more times before comments, Asa. Nice. I like the "wine floor" and how it goes with "The wine has flowed too easily". Very good imagry. :thumbs_up

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That means alot my friend! Good to be back and talking to you guys again!
-Asa

Hi Asa, you are welcome and deserve all good comments on a fine poem. Glad you see you again, too. I wanted to read your poem again and comment more. Time really gets away from me and especially posts/poems on this thread. I am glad it is such an active thread. I also wanted to talk more about Penn's poem. Both impressed me. Keep writing that great poetry!:thumbs_up

I agree, Penn's poem is nice. You are all wonderful poets! Glad to be among you.
asa

Fountain (An imagery poem)- The objective of this piece is for the reader to construe it's meaning through creativity since the actual meaning is vague and indirect. (It might appear as several beginnings of different poems, but if you look close enough you'll see it all fits together.)

Darkness the spiraling tide doth bring,
forbodement and adversity
harsh, does the force of nature sting,
hence, this moment to eternity.
Though cracked are heavens, bespeckling skies with rain,
celestial might is never in vain, for
Canaan is where The voice doth call,
in forms both dark and light,
where kingdom evil meets its fall,
and men of good are made His Knight.

Powerful writing, Adolescent09. Your words strike religious cords.
Asa

wow. thanks guys!(Pendragon, seasong, Adolescent and Janine!) your comments really encouraged me a lot! =)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Fountain (An imagery poem)- The objective of this piece is for the reader to construe it's meaning through creativity since the actual meaning is vague and indirect. (It might appear as several beginnings of different poems, but if you look close enough you'll see it all fits together.)

Darkness the spiraling tide doth bring,
forbodement and adversity
harsh, does the force of nature sting,
hence, this moment to eternity.
Though cracked are heavens, bespeckling skies with rain,
celestial might is never in vain, for
Canaan is where The voice doth call,
in forms both dark and light,
where kingdom evil meets its fall,
and men of good are made His Knight.

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Another winner 'Dole! In the third line, however, change "does" to "doth" and in the last line "are" to "art" to match the rest of the poem. Just an idea, I like the archaic language! :thumbs_up