Dont worry, as I am a junior employee still, I would not hesitate to contribute 2 ltrs....;) :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
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Dont worry, as I am a junior employee still, I would not hesitate to contribute 2 ltrs....;) :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Now coincindentally it was my birthday last week, but I assure you this is completely made up. Actually it reads like a Sleepywitch short story. ;)
Quote:
Why I fired my Secretary:
>
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
>As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
>It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
>I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
>We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
>I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
>She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
>After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
>"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
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>
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>And I just sat there...
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>On the couch...
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>Naked.
:eek2: http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/konfus/g025.gif :lol:
Poor guy!!
...yikes. THAT is beyond mortifying, though it's hard to say he doesn't deserve it.
Wow, Virg. Note to self: Remember NOT to be drinking anything when you click on the Jokes Thread. ESPECIALLY if Virgil's been around.... My computer thanks you for its cola bath, by the way...
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to look at yourself from time to time and this might get you started!
During a visit at a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"We just fill up the bathtub, then offer them a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub." The Director said.
"Oh, I get it! A normal person would choose the bucket, as it would hold more water!" the visitor said. "Brilliant!"
"No." The Director said. "Maybe we should see about getting you a bed. A normal person would just pull the plug. You want the bed near the window?" http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/...s/biglaugh.gif
Here's a cute one that I think Miss C will like. Somehow I can picture her as the wife. Does that mean that Robin is the husband? :p
Quote:
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
> "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
> "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
> "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
> She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Is there a room for me too? :p
I got these from a newspaper. No offense to the men...:p Just have a laugh!
By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.
Some people think the proper age for a man to start thinking of marriage is when he’s old enough to realize he shouldn’t.
Nothing ages man faster than trying to prove he’s still as young as ever.
Few women admit their age. Few act theirs.
Women’s faults are many. Men have only two: everything they say and everything they do.
There are three things most men love but never understand: females, girls, and women.
To see through a man, it takes an X-ray or an ex-wife.
A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
The average man is 42 around the chest, 44 around the waist, 96 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.
There are three kinds of men in the world: fits, misfits and counter-fits.
There are lots of men in this world who started at the bottom – and stayed there.
Maybe one of the things wrong with the world is that there aren’t enough leaders of men and too many chasers of women.
Man can control everything except a woman and a typhoon.
A man’s heart is like a sponge – soaked with emotions and sentiments. He can squeeze out a little bit for every pretty woman he meets.
A man is a peculiar animal. For instance his head will turn when a woman’s hip moves.
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move!!!
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature unto something you’d like to have dinner with…
An advice to men over 50: Keep an open mind and a closed refrigerator.
What is the difference between men and the government bonds? Bonds mature.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows… It’s never been done.
How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
What is man’s idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hotdog and six-pack of beer.
How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.
A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.
A man is never as weak as when some woman is telling him how strong he is. :blush: :blush: :blush: Yihee...
What did a Philippine National Police Academy cadet worry about women when he was at the Academy that confused him and his fellow cadets even more?
If you are well dressed, she thinks you’re a playboy.
If you’re not, she thinks you’re rugged.
If you kiss her, you’re not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you’re not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you’re lying.
If you don’t, you’re as good as nothing.
If you agree with all her likes, she’s abusing.
If you don’t, she doubts your love.
If you make romance, you’re an expected man.
If you don’t, you’re a man.
If you visit her quite often, she claims it’s boring.
If you’re a minute late, she complains.
If you’re on time, she’ll make you wait.
If you propose within brief acquaintances, you’re a fresh guy.
If you propose later, she wonders why.
If you visit another, she claims you’re doing a hell.
If she is visited by another, she’ll say it’s natural for a girl.
If you fail to assist her in crossing the street, you lack manners.
If you do, she thinks it’s one of the guy’s tactics.
If you kiss her always, she thinks you’re abusing.
If you kiss her once in a while, she says you’re cold and nothing.
If you attempt romance, she says you don’t respect her.
If you don’t, she claims you’re dry.
If you contradict her, she does not like it.
If you don’t, she thinks you’re gullible.
…Oh woman, thou art so simple yet so complex to understand.
…Oh so strong, yet proven conquered…
…So confusing, but still desirable… Oh woman… woman…
Some more bad jokes to add to the collection:
Q) Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A) It was stuck to the chickens foot.
Q) What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?
A) A wooly jumper
Q) What do you call a woman who burns her bills?
A) Bernadette
Q) How do you know an elephant is in your fridge?
A) Footprints in the butter
Thank you, thank you....I'll be here all week
There are more men like these.....:sick:Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
This one's from when I was 5 or 6 . . . lame . . . :)
What tuba can't you play?
A tuba toothpaste!
If they were really nice, they'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt.
Recently I decided to take up again that brutal game of golf. I went to the Sycuan Golf Course practice area and started chipping and putting. As I came off the green there was a little girl standing there … perhaps 6 years old at the most. Here is the ensuing dialogue between us:
Girl: Excuse me. Have you seen my Grandpa?
Concerned this girl was left alone I replied:
Me: No honey. What does he look like?"
Girl (without missing a beat): Oh, he has gray hair like you but he’s a lot smarter!"
Authors note: LUCKY GUESS ON HER PART! I thought, to myself, he couldn’t be that smart to leave his Granddaughter alone…and I don’t think he was pleased with me telling him so? But who cares what he thought?!
I wonder what Virgil will say after reading it :lol:
Why would I care about what Virgil would say? As you can see from the below he is long gone...Jack
Publius Vergilius Maro (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), later called Virgilius, and known in English as Virgil or Vergil
Uh oh, now Virg will have a crisis of existence :lol:
There are only 10 kinds of people
those who understand binary and those who dont.
and there are three kind of mathematicians.
Those that can count to three and those who can't.
:lol: I am most certainly the latter :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
I must admit Virgil, youre a pretty fun guy to have around for being deceased. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by JackShea
:lol: that's even betterQuote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
:lol: He seems to be writing to us from heaven, I suppose.Quote:
Originally Posted by dramasnot6
Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Madhuri
Thanks! But it will take me another 80 years or so, I guess, to reach there. :D
You should have read the joke in the previous page....hehehe...:D
Send us a postcard Virgil! Im sure Heaven's postal service beats out UPS many times over.:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
A quote fromn Virgil:"Heaven is lovely these days. You should come up and visit. Stay a while."
I think I have created a monster with my quote about Virgil. I demand royalties Virgil if you are asked to be on any talk shows!...Best...Jack
:lol: Very funny Jack. If Oprah interviews me you can have the whole fee, not just royalties. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by JackShea
In heaven the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment and the Germans organise everything.
In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.
That is great. I think I've seen it before or something like it. :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
My dear sir, I must protest. We are a very funloving and entertaining people. There is plenty of evidence of that. Wait, I'll go look for it................................................ ..............................Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
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er?? Well,,,,,
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:
“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers:
“Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man:
“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know c**p about my business… Now give me back my dog.”
I am so going to send that joke to my consultants.....
:lol: That's good stuff, Sheherazade! :lol:
A senior IT Consultant sent that one to me, actually :pQuote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
I walked into my psychiatrist's office and sat. The Doc asked how he could help? I whined: " I don't understand it Doc? I have no friends! No one will talk to me?"
The Doc picked up the intercom and said: " Next patient please!"
Profile of a Software Engineer
About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")
Relationship status: what?
Birthday: The day my PL is about to fire me.
Age: 10111 (this is binary, convert it into decimal to get the real age)
Here for: web browsing in company hours.
Children: can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)
Ethnicity: Programmer.
Languages I speak: Java, C/C++, 010101110101
Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.
Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!
Humor: weekly.
Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.
Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.
Drinking: The first is this.
Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.
Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!
Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)
Webpage: http: // jobsahead.com <-- Isnt it Ultimate???
Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.
Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.
Activities: Are you crazy?
Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.
Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.
Tv shows: can't afford one.
Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi (noodles), anything available within 200 meteres of Home.
:D :D