Water
Drip
Water is patient
Drip
All it needs is time
Drip
It penetrates and seeps
Drip
It’ll wear you down
Drip
Until you crack
Drip
Drip
Drip
Printable View
Water
Drip
Water is patient
Drip
All it needs is time
Drip
It penetrates and seeps
Drip
It’ll wear you down
Drip
Until you crack
Drip
Drip
Drip
Summer’s Malaria
When blooms crisp and curl,
It is not your blood I crave,
But sweat on your lips.
Right, time's up.
Thank you to all the entrants for posting a wonderful selection of poems for me to choose from.
I've not decided on the winner yet, but I'll do so as soon as I can, with my usual rambling, pedantic thoughts about each poem.
Thanks,
b|v
Daniel Benoit Sakura (I learnt after a quick Google check) being cherry blossom an image often used in haiku. The poem opens and closes with 'spring', bringing the reader full circle (although the second might be a water spring rather than the season, which is a nice play on words). The main distraction is the abbreviated word 'Wett'd' how is it pronounced? I notice the poem has 17 syllables the same as a haiku, but in a different order from the standard 5-7-5 (excuse my ignorance if this is another form I'm not aware of). Nothing wrong with that of course, but I wonder if you elided this word deliberately to cram it into this syllable count, and if that was the best decision for the poem? And the syntax suggests the 'sun' is 'wett'd', which I found confusing.
Pendragon Simple. Effective. Nicely ambivalent is the 'single drop of water' actually a tear or not? What is the 'might have been'? It's well achieved. If I'm being picky (I usually am!) the 'single drop' becomes the plural 'tears' in the third line, and I don't think you need to hyphenate 'might-have'. The rhythm of the first two lines is nicely achieved; maybe a colon after 'cheek' would be useful just to check the reader before the final line is delivered.
qimissung The poem opens with a brilliant, arresting image and I think I would have liked more description of this as it doesn't strike me as the everyday occurrence the poem makes it seem. Could more have been made of this to tie it in metaphorically with the theme of 'water'? The main difficulty for me is the second line, as I'm no fan of archaic language in modern poems. Still, a poem drenched in longing and futility.
Virgil - Tackling a big issue here! There's a nice rhythmic balance to the alliterative first two lines and to the poem as a whole. The use of 'ablution' is a nice touch, suggesting both religious and domestic cleansing. Perhaps I would have liked some more tension in this; the narrator's world-view is clearly that of a believer the 'soaking' has been sent to cleanse his soul, and succeeds in doing so, with miraculous effects. Redemption here seems too easily won, or merely given. One is left wondering if life really is this easy.
Haunted That is a long goodbye kiss! Nicely achieved; nature's transformative powers can't distract the enrapt lovers. Nice use of 'sh' sounds in the middle of the poem ('slush' and 'squishy') that effectively evoke the scene. Do you need 'has' in line 4? A sweet poem.
Autolycus A standard haiku but certainly non-standard syntax which leaves the content open to interpretation. The second line suggests a city centre with business people going about their 'affairs' down busy streets, suggested by the kenning 'man river'. It's quite abstract and unsettling but thought-provoking.
NikolaiI Another haiku, with its demanding syllable-count, which might explain the abrupt ending and inverted syntax. I find the last line a blemish on what is a good effort, but one which is perhaps a bit too abstract and generalised what 'demons'? What 'water'? Autolycus's entry gave the reader more to think about, I felt.
breathtest 'The crystalline shapes | of water' take a bow for that one! And it's nicely ambivalent does the narrator mean 'snow' or is this simply a complex description of water? (Probably the latter who stands barefoot in snow? Don't tell me a snowman!) It's an intriguing poem although I felt the ending was a bit weak. The narrator wants this experience of nature to be shared, but it seems his 'happiness' doesn't extend beyond this to include the poem's addressee, leaving the narrator open to accusations of a certain selfishness. (Yes, I know I'm reading too much into things again !)
Bar This has a wonderful simplicity in content and execution, and is beautifully evocative of a moment of happiness gained through disobedience. (A controversial moral!) Maybe a comma after 'sat' (line 5) would slow things down nicely and accentuate the 'wet sunset' internal rhyme. And although I like the 'rocky lucky' echo, I do want to change that 'telling' ending to a more 'showing' one! (What about: 'tracing the sunset, | our clothes drying | on the wooden sign'?) Still, nicely written.
Dark Muse Somehow, only you could have written this! It's well balanced between metaphorical abstraction and simple narrative. 'Liquid tongues' is brilliant, building on the 'heart' of the title and the 'eyes' of the first stanza, themselves suggesting the sea, or another body of water, in the phrase 'watery grave'. (Maybe a different word should have been used in the title, though.) All of which suggests, synechdochically, the body which doesn't materialise; the reader is left only with the parts. Technically, the assonantal 'beneath meet' half-rhyme that closes the poem is spot-on; just as the reflections meet, but not the bodies of the poem's narrator and addressee, so the words also meet, but not as one might expect, and would get, with a full-rhyme.
Hawkman I thought this was the most formally inventive, and it works well. The repetition is effective and disconcerting in its insistence, and the use of 'you' in the later lines brings home the implication of water torture. I would have liked more poetry in the 'non-drip' lines to build on the strength of the idea, but it's a good piece.
miyako73 Tinker, tinker! I thought the first entry was an interesting poem perhaps it needed a bit of work but you should definitely return to it, so maybe you were right to change. This haiku is effectively sinister and gives a voice either to the disease itself or perhaps a mosquito carrier. The first line prefigures the theme of death well.
AND THE WINNER IS: DARK MUSE
Congratulations Dark Muse, and thanks to everyone who entered.
Oh wow, I cannot beleive I won, with so many other great poems.
Congratulations Dark Muse. I really liked the notion of swimming through liquid tongues. Very suggestive in a number of directions. :)
Well, there was the distance and the accumulation of dust and debt. This is minimalist after all. :wink5: (And by the way, theologically redemption is easily given. One just has to ask.) Thank you for your comments. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by blank|verse
congratulations, Dark Muse!
"miyako73 – Tinker, tinker! I thought the first entry was an interesting poem – perhaps it needed a bit of work but you should definitely return to it, so maybe you were right to change. This haiku is effectively sinister and gives a voice either to the disease itself or perhaps a mosquito carrier. The first line prefigures the theme of death well."
I've got OCD so I tinker a lot :)
Summer's Malaria is dryness, thirst, or longing.
Thank you!
I will have the next subject up shortly, just as soon as I think up something good.
The creator of this contest said we may use either a subject or a picture so I thought I would mix things up and offer something a little different.
So here is the next subject for the contest:
http://www.alaska-in-pictures.com/da...urita_1700.jpg
Be creative and have fun, deadline will be posted shortly.
Thank you for your input :DQuote:
Originally Posted by blank|verse
As for the use of elision, I deliberately did that merely because I thought it looked nice. Besides, I counted the word as two syllables anyway.
As for the "wett'd" "sun" I had the image of water thrown onto a stove with that chaotic and wrathful noise that follows of water boiling into vapor. That particular second line was meant to contrast the peaceful spring with the wrathful force of the sun brought about by two contrasting forces.
Btw, I just want to say that I really appreciate the honesty you showed in judging these poems, a real thumbs up for you :D
Congratulations Dark Muse! Your poem is really marvelous!
Thanks B/V for all your detailed, instructive, comments on the entries.
Re mine, I thought I didn't need a comma after "sat" as I found "sunset" echoed "sat wet" rather well. But I'll give it a thought, also to how to change the last line.
It was great to participate!
Best to all!
Bar
Subaqueous constellations,
their world would crush
human blood and bone.
Jelly survives.
BV, you're absolutely right, "has" is not needed. I edited that and posted it to the A Short Collection of Trashy Poems thread. Check it out, it reads so much better. Thanks so much!Quote:
Originally Posted by blank|verse
Dark Muse, congrats!!
Kry, thanks for kicking things off with a great first entry.
I will wait untill I get a few more entries before deciding upon a good deadline to set.
Hi,
I find this thread entertaining and informative!
Here is my whimsical whim. Correct me where I go wrong. Thanks.
The dark sky is fantastic,
through a misty eye,
as the deepest blue water,
with pearls scattering everywhere,
as well as
enigmatic as a blue jellyfish,
a will o the wisp,
or a whimsical wheel,
glowing and floating alone
in the boundless universe.