:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Papaya's second joke.
By the way, Papaya, Grover was always my favorite Sesame Street character when I was little. :D
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:lol: :lol: :lol: @ Papaya's second joke.
By the way, Papaya, Grover was always my favorite Sesame Street character when I was little. :D
Here's one, but you have to be married to fully understand:
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you k now that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Heh...hehehe...HAHAHAHA!!!
There's a story they tell...
George Bernard Shaw walks into a bar and approaches a respectable-looking, evidently-rich woman. The following conversation ensues...
"Excuse me, madam, but would you make love to me for 50 pounds?"
"I SHOULD SAY NOT!!!"
"5,000 pounds, then?"
"...NEVER!"
"Perhaps, then, for 500,000 pounds?"
"...perhaps...~smiles coyly~"
"Then what about 5 pounds?"
"MR. SHAW!! WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM???"
"We have already established what you are--now we are merely haggling over the price."
Here's another. And being that I'm an Italian male, I understand this fully:
> It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman.....
>
>
> On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
> One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ......one button at a time.
> .......No one moves.
> .......He removes his shirt.
> ......Muscles ripple across his chest.
> .......She gasps.
> ......He whispers into her ear...
>
> "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
This one is for the dog lovers. I can swear that the lab in the joke is Brandi.
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him
the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."
" But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."
Three Pakistani blokes walked into a bar….
The first ordered three glasses of orange juice…
They sat down and had a nice chat.
Interesting things, jokes.
My old aunts were forever coming up to me at family weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You'll be next".
They stopped doing it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A rabbi and a priest, each driving his own car, by a freak accident had a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars were totally demolished. Amazingly, neither of the clerics had a scratch on him.
After they crawled out of what was left of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says: "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars, there is nothing left, and yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God."
Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues: "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies: "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God."
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogan David wine is intact. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle of wine to the priest, who drinks half of it, then hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks: "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah . . . I think I'll wait for the police."
Yes, they make life happy.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Unnamable
Here's one. A little risque perhaps. Just a little.
Wally's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ........."You mean I was here already?"
I can't possibly illustrate for you exactly why this made me laugh so hard (mostly because it would violate forum rules on appropriate content). Suffice it to say that, though I don't believe such negative characteristics to be universal properties of Italian males (namely, chauvinism, arrogance, and a profound inability to understand that one's own happiness does not constitute the mutual satisfaction of the woman involved), I knew a boy in college who was raised in Italy, and I enjoyed this joke. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
You'll have to ask Koa. Glad you enjoyed it.Quote:
Originally Posted by emily655321