write or share a poem

Penn, Dark but not at all unrealistic. In today's world this alienation is very prominent. People don't have time for each other including family members. It is a good poem, Penn, and more simply stated than many I have read from you before. It really hits home though and I especially like your closing line....excellent! The poem is not angry, but is filled with remorse and is quite sad. It is fine to be "dark", so much poetry is afterall, but it is more desirable to stay with the decretion of good taste, which you have done. You indicated the death and suicide subtly and yet one knew immediately what you were talking about, without having to shock in a crude or graphic manner. Good to leave that to the reader's own imagination. If I were to change one thing, it would be the line ending in "fell upon deaf ears", only because it sounded so familiar to me and trite, maybe, unless you intended it to be so, as a reference to that often used phrase. Also, I see you wrote this in 1995, so I would not alter it. If you change anything just make a second version. Penn, I really liked your poem very much. I liked the way it flowed and the emotion in it. It found it really touching.

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Originally Posted by Pendragon

There were always so many things you felt were so much more important.
He tried in so many ways to tell you of the longing he felt,

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I think "so much" is extraneous, all the lines are relatively short except for that one and you don't really need those words so it might flow better without them. Just a thought :D.

I like it, it's honest.

Janie, Seasong, thank you for your kind words. You are both correct in the things you pointed out, Janie "fell on deaf ears" is an over-used phraze, but as you say, I wrote this back in 1995, and my poem career was just taking off. I might say "his words echoed in a vaccum" now, or something to that effect. Seasong, yes the line is not only too long, but I have used the word "so" three times in those two lines! I might revise that if I were writing the poem now to:

"You considered everything else of more importance,
Never seeing the blinking red lights he sent you."

Just a thought. Thank you. :thumbs_up :)

Sorry its a bit of a delayed response but thanks for response

To clarify the poem wasnt supposed to be an assault on men, or indeed technically perfect in terms of rhyming etc (thanks for pointing these out though!) and yes the swearings probably quite harsh

But...

I wrote it thinking about how the world paints a picture of the way your life should be and how it never really turns out that way. How many people here can claim they are currently living the life they thought they would be when they were 8 years old?
The main area this focuses on is how men are portrayed as being the knight in shining armour coming in to sweep you off your feet and treat you like...well a princess! I wanted to point out how it is somewhat unfair to criticise any man who didnt do this in the obvious way as just because hes not perfect doesnt mean hes unworthy of you. As I have no doubt the vast majority of men in the world would do anything they could for the woman they love!
I realise its a very negative approach but the harshness reflects how harsh and quick to judge people can be (I think!).
I didnt put massive amounts of thought into it to be honest and am more of a songwriter than a poet in many senses. Oh well! Seemed like a good idea at the time!

Cheers for the feedback though - I'll try and be more lady-like next time!! :)
X*X*X

Poppet, I think your idea is a good one, but I think it needs to be re-worked to achieve what you just wrote in this post. If you actually stated what you are here (in your post) stating about the intentions of your poem, you would have gotten the idea across. Why be so obscure - come out and use this imagery. You could make the poem more one of disillusionism, instead of such blantant anger. Can you see my point?
Also, it was hard to know what the point of the author(yourself) was here, so your poem did not come quite across as a general idea of the masses feeling this way. It came off as you feeling angry about it, the world being looked at this way and it's expectations on individuals. I did get the idea of the stereotyped version or Cinderella/knights in white armor, etc. idea. I got that notion right away. It it true that we all have aspired at one time to unrealistic expectations of the world around us, but eventually, with age and wisdom, one does see the difference quite clearly. But dreams are not to be knocked either - dreaming can spur on great things and can make us sensitive to the world around us, as well. Great novelists and poets have many times been dreamers! I think, in writing this harsh a poem, it went against those sensibilities many of us feel on this site. I think you have good ideas and talent to put them to work effectively, not just for song writing; which, by the way, I consider poetry. Poppet. please keep writing and let us all see what you can come up with.
The thing is, profanity is really frowned at on this site. The moderators are very strict about it and you can get into trouble, repeatedly posting stuff they have to censor. I am telling you this to make you aware, so being lady-like and respectable would be preferable in this case. True that many well-known poets have used profanity, and even fought censorship, but I would not recommend it on this site. It would offend many here. This site is for all races and religions and there are people from all walks of life. Just keep that in mind, if you wish others to read your poetry. Hope this sheds some light on things and you continue to post your poems. Diversity is wonderful and I want to encourage and not discourage you from being poetic.
Have a great day! Janine :)

Hello people, I am relatively new to the forum and new to this thread though I read some poems from the magnificent volume of 13 pages :) well done- the future of poetry, I feel, is here!
Also, can I post my own? I don't want to intrude into the middle (or end) of the thread.

Sincerely Dyingflame

umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.

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Originally Posted by dyingflame

Hello people, I am relatively new to the forum and new to this thread though I read some poems from the magnificent volume of 13 pages :) well done- the future of poetry, I feel, is here!
Also, can I post my own? I don't want to intrude into the middle (or end) of the thread.

Sincerely Dyingflame

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Welcome and definitely post! Happy you read so many of the past 13 pages of poems...thanks! I think few people bother to do that and it is ashame. There is some good stuff in those 13 pages, as you said. DF, do add to this thread anytime you feel like it. :D

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Originally Posted by zanna

umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.

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Good observation zanna. I hope you can post some of your work soon. I know all will be interested in reading it. You are not being too critical. Everyone on here deserves their opinion. I think your critique of Penn's poem pointed something out and also was quite complimentary and encouraging, not really picking it appart. Penn is honest too and I am sure he will appreciate any comments.

Hi everybody tell me what you think of this one

m&m's

An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
His sugar skin more alluring
because of malformation
The Lord demands sacrifice without blemish
but gluttony tolerates no survivor
I gobble him up
Not surprising he tastes sweeter than the others

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zanna

umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.

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Quite OK, Zanna. I stink at Physics anyway, but I know sound doesn't carry well in a vacuum, which was the basis of the line. Here, we all can learn from each other, that is the beauty of this forum and why I love to stay here. No matter if some of us have been writing poetry and stories longer than others have been alive, it doesn't mean that we are the teachers and they the students. No. We are equal here, poets gathered to help each other and sometimes older poets become too sure of ourselves, and we need young blood to point out what we refuse to see! And we can share experience as to what an editor expects, what they will probably trash or take, because we've been there! Never hesitate to point out a shortcoming in my writing! Thank you! :thumbs_up :)

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Originally Posted by Ledsepp

Hi everybody tell me what you think of this one

m&m's

An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
His sugar skin more alluring
because of malformation
The Lord demands sacrifice without blemish
but gluttony tolerates no survivor
I gobble him up
Not surprising he tastes sweeter than the others

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Interesting. I would change the word "retarded" in the first line. That is going to offend people, and doesn't really fit the situation; obviously candy cannot be in any way mentally deficient. "Warped" "Twisted" "Cracked" "Chipped" "Malformed" Something like that would be better, and the poem doesn't loose focus or meaning. Good luck! :thumbs_up :)

I'm with Pendragon on this one Ledsepp. I read the first line and thought you were writing something offensive, but it wasn't. I adore words because they have so many different levels of meaning and can be interpreted so differently, but they can be weapons so some should be used carefully.

Ledsepp, In my opinion the first line is too long anyway and you would benefit from dropping the "retarded" word. The idea gets across really well without it - provides the reader with the graphic image you are trying to portray, without negative connotations, when using the word "retarded". You poem flows better without it anyway. I like the idea of the poem - interesting and different.

Thoughts on this one?


REVERSIBLE #2

Continuing limbo, ceasing never
Never go back; go forward: never
Temporary islands, brief intercession
Lasting not. Worthwhile? Barely
Cycle returns, pain follows pain
Doubt and fear are here
Endless sorrow, forever crying
No one listens
Darkness falls fast

Fast falls darkness
Listens no one
Crying forever, sorrow: endless
Here are fear and doubt
Pain follows pain, returns cycle
Barely worthwhile, not lasting
Intercession brief, islands temporary
Never forward go, back: go never
Never ceasing, limbo continuing

DL Harris
© 1996