:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
A veritable Bishop's convention.
Printable View
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
A veritable Bishop's convention.
Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
The new Colassus?
Imagine the bumper to bumper (bow to stern) traffic getting into Rhodes!
http://www.rhodesguide.com/rhodes/im...sus_rhodes.jpg
By the way Jocky, that poem you slipped in a few pages back did not go unnoticed. It went into my bag of tricks.Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
At the moment I'm thinking something along these lines (The same thing Mr. Rosa was thinking):Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
http://www.1st-art-gallery.com/thumb...And-Scylla.jpg
.
Class will out
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bigstim...n/photostream/
Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
Was that the picture that was supposed to be in houses where there were fires? A cursed picture? Or perhaps it was so common that it was frequently found in houses that had fires.
Even I remember that painting as a kid. Maybe it was an urban myth - being the cause of fires, not me remembering...
Or maybe it's the wrong picture...what day is it today?....
That's the best selling painting of all time, or something. Or possibly the second best, after the dogs playing pool.
As this entire fanciable-women-in-proper-art thing has been rendered a low-class joke by Brian 'jocky' Sewell over there, I shall be forced to seek out a Web page of that chick on a tennis court scratching her bum.
I have actually been in houses where that is framed and hanging on the wall.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
Me too. And my ex landlord left me the tennis girl scratching her bum in 1983.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
Aye, no chance of that hanging in the rarified atmosphere of Bastable Hall. Sorry if I did not go into raptures over the Rosetti and am totally ignorant on the merits of the Pre Raphaelites and their antipathy toward Josh the Slosh.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
My point being that art is judged by individuals regardless of social status and just because that paticular work hung in the homes of millions of people worldwide, much the same as Andy Warhol's creations, it has as much merit as anything that is hung in a few Town Halls and Art Galleries.
Right enough I am a dummy, enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBt0ER43trc
Now might be the time to post some paintings of women by Lucien Freud.
This reply should be read aloud in the slow drawl of John Wayne:Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle
Well hell Gurgle I'm a figurin we otta settle this in the old way,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKThgLq21Rc
Anyone for a corn dodger ?
And if you think I am annoying you have obviously never met my late Uncle John:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgsPzydgzxE
He could spin a yarn :)
I rather like Freud's stuff - but the stuff at Bastable Halls isn't exclusively rarefied. From where I'm sitting I can see framed posters of this:Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
http://albumart.besteveralbums.com/a...edium_6254.jpg
and this
http://i2.listal.com/image/166474/93...ill-poster.jpg
and this
http://www.mikedidonato.com/wp-content/guernica5.PNG
(Also, a stuffed owl, a pewter Snoopy moneybox and a large plaster statue of Captain Hook.)
I disagree with you about merit by numbers though. I think there are completely objective qualities by which it's possible to say that the Picasso above is a better painting than the dogs playing pool. Which is not to say that people should like it more.
Mmm.. Anyway back to the girl scratching her bum.
That poster was on the wall in many male student's bedroom in my student days.
The students of the fairer sex had that "Wings of Love" on theirs' depicting a miserable looking naked man being delivered on the underside of a swans wing to a naked girl sat on a damp floor. Very romantic.
In fact here it is.
http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k7...ove-103120.jpg
I always thought that swan was about to give the poor bloke a "Bobbiting"
Mark an' Gilliatt elevate the tone,
With pics of Jane and Perse-phone,
And often, quite a lot more!Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
I wish more people knew that.
Parker, can you fix me a very mild one? And a glass of water, if you can, yes, I think I'll water it down a bit tonight, I'm driving. What are you staring at me like this, you daft lump, you still can't tell when I'm kidding? Get me a double, neat.
Guys, I wanna share something with you. This gave me the horn:
http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=63061
You think I should apologise to my shrink for deliberately burning a hole in his sofa with my cigarette and start having sessions with him again?
Cheers :)
^Noooo, this is the kind of thing women talk about - to their own kind - I'll have one of those too please Parker!
That Doc, he does not pop in very often but he always leaves me feeling uneasy. I can just picture him standing at the bottom of my hospital bed:
"Jocky I have good news and bad news for you"
O.K Doc give me the bad news.
"You have only got two weeks to live"
Long silence , so what is the good news?.
"The guy in the bed opposite you wants to buy your slippers."
Guys and gal Jocky has got some breaking news which could have life changing repercussions. Scientists have announced without equivocation that the Hadron Collider may or may not have picked up elements of the God particle:
http://www.thepeninsulaqatar.com/int...ggs-boson.html
Remember you heard it in the Cold Ale Thread first. I can't wait to tell Mrs Jocky when she comes home from her work in the morning. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
How much for the slippers?
Wait no... How much for the God or possibly not God particle?
I bet the God particle cost a bit more than the slippers.
On his way back from a race meeting in the Scotland, a London bookie walks into a tiny, remote pub in the Highlands. There are a few old locals in there, a jolly fat lady at the bar and a scottie dog lying under a table.
The guy gets his pint, turns to the locals at the few tables and raises his glass. "Cheers."
"Aye, good health," they all murmur.
"Down the hatch," says the dog.
The bookie pauses. He looks at the dog. He takes another sip.
"Nice day," he says, to the general assembly.
"Aye, no' bad at all," a couple of the locals agree.
"Rain tomorrow, though," remarks the dog.
Again, the guy looks at the dog - and then at the locals.
"Did that dog just speak?" he asks.
The locals shrug. "Oh, aye. Ye cannae shut him up."
"Huh," the dog mutters.
The guy gets out his wallet. "Who owns the dog?"
A wizened old Highlander raises his hand. "That'll be me."
"I'll give you a hundred pounds for him."
"Whish! For tha' aul' dog? Put ye money awa', man."
"Two hundred."
"I cannae take yer money. Yer crazy! Sit yeself doon an' have a drink. Ferget it."
"Three hundred!"
Eventually the guy buys the dog for five hundred pounds.
"I cannae see what you like so much about tha' dog," the old Scot says, grinning broadly as he pockets the cash.
"He just took my fancy, for some reason," the guy says.
He puts the dog in the back of the car and hits the road. The dog sleeps all the way to London.
The bookie doesn't even go home - he drives straight to his local pub, and rushes in with the dog under his arm. "Don't say a word till I tell you," he whispers to the dog. The dog blinks.
The guys mates all hello him, ask him about his trip.
"Quite eventful actually," he says. "I bought a talking dog."
This throwaway snippet is received with dismissive hilarity.
"No," says the guy. "Straight up. This dog can talk." He puts the dog on a table, and it sits there looking at the blokes gathering round. "Who'll put a fiver on it?"
"Give me two-to-one, I'll put a tenner on it," says a bloke at the back.
"Fair enough," says our man. "Two-to-one."
"Make it five-to-one, I'll go twenty nicker," says another.
"Fine - I'll cover all bets at five-to-one," says the bookie.
Following a flurry of wagering activity, there's a little over a grand on the table in front of the dog.
"Right," says the bookie, turning to the scottie, "perhaps you'd like to say a few words."
The dog blinks.
"Off you go," says the bookie. "Just tell them how we met, or something."
The dog tips his head to one side, staring back at the bookie.
"Pay up," says one of the guys crowded round the table.
The bookie leans down to the dog. "Look, a simple hello will do," he hisses.
The dog licks his face.
The crowd begin to stir. "Come on - I've got fifty quid on at five-to-one. Let's see it."
"Say something, you stupid little furball!"
At which point a poodle is brought in to the pub, and the scottie dog stands up on the table and starts to bark like mad, scrabbling to get down.
Red-faced and steaming, the bookie pays the punters - completely wiping out his takings from the Scottish race meeting, and a lot more - and then he grabs the scottie dog by the collar and storms out to the pub. He heads straight for the canal. He swings the dog by its collar, aiming for the centre of the water.
"Bloody useless stupid dog. I've never been so embarrassed. Best of six grand down the tubes. Well, that's it - that's your lot..."
The dog is choking, strangled by being swung from his collar, but as he's swung out over the canal he manages to croak, "Don't be a bloody idiot! Think of the odds you'll be able to offer next time..."
Bastable, for the sake of your integrity, I sincerely hope you didn't come up with that punch-line yourself, but it was in the original telling.
Or is that what they call a shaggy dog story? I've only heard of such things, not actually experienced them...
I think it was a Barry Cryer joke I heard on a daytime panelgame show called Jokers Wild, probably in the very early seventies, when I was about twelve. I have embellished the telling.Quote:
Originally Posted by MystyrMystyry
I have a sort of total-recall memory for jokes. Which means that it's about twenty years since I heard a new one - though that kind of 'there's a nun, a priest and a tightrope walker' joke is a bit unfashionable now. Probably just as well.
Sometimes I get the feeling you're actually Douglas Adams in disguise
Meanwhile, back in the Grumpy Old Men part of the thread....
Ring-ring, ring-ring...
"Hello?"
"Hello. This is Angel from Virgin Media. Can I speak to Mr Base...Basty..."
"Bastable. This is he."
"Hello. This is Angel from VirginMedia. I'm calling with some good news today about your telephone account. We're looking at your records here for the last few months and we can right now save you money with our good news for you today."
"Ah."
"Can you tell me the first and last letters of your password, so we can talk about this good news?"
"No. I've no idea what my password is."
"So you have forgotten your password, Mr Base....Basty.."
"Bastable. Yes."
"Okay. We can send you a new password. Can you give me the full address on your account so we can send you a new password."
"I don't want a new password."
"Yes, if you tell me the full address on your account, we can send you a new password."
"No - I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to change my password."
"But you need to protect your account."
"If even I don't know what the password is, it's pretty damn protected, isn't it?"
<five second silence>
"So you don't want us to send you a new password?"
"That's broadly the thrust of my argument, yes."
<five second silence>
"Okay. So, if you can give me the full address on your account, I can then talk to you about this good news."
"You've lost me."
"If you can give me the full address on your account, we can talk about this good news."
"Why do I need to give you my address?"
"For security. Because you don't know your password."
"But, you called me at the phone number that you installed at this address. If I'm picking up the phone, I'm likely to know the address of the house I'm in, even if I'm not Mr Basebastybastable."
"Yes, if you can give me the full address on your account, then we can talk about this good news."
"Could you please give the full address of Virgin Media's registered office?"
<five second silence>
"Sorry?"
"Could you please give the full address of Virgin Media's registered office? For security. If you can give me the full address of Virgin Media's registered office, I can talk to you about the good news."
"This is Angel calling from Virgin Media."
"Well, that's what you claim. But Virgin Media already know my full address."
"Yes, if you can give me the full address on your account, then we can talk about this good news."
"Angel, I'm starting to feel a little mean, to be honest. Thing is, I don't really want to have a conversation about the good news."
<five second silence>
"This is Angel calling from Virgin Media. Thank you for taking my call today."
<click>
You forgot to ask for his password Bastable, I'm sure he Angel would have happily obliged.
Perse-phone is close...Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
Scylla and Glaucus were causing a raucous
Hammered on Circe’s rum
With his tail upturned he knew he’d been spurned
After grabbing her porcelain bum :
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle
No, but I’m up for a corn dogger…Fletchers that is.Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
The “bumps in the data” are a result of the God particle passing through the French side of the collider loop.Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
Looks like we have additional playwright support for this year's play.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
Something for Big Dante:Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Dante
http://famousdeadmormons.com/images/92.jpg
.
I thought we were on first name terms here on the cold ale thread? We've got Gilliatt, Jocky, Mick, Big Dante and Atheist, (which like a title, admittedly, such as Antichrist or Venerable according to who it is who's viewing). Why then Bastable? I've never been near a Public School, and so this habit never ingrained itself. What about you other chaps? Shouldn't it be Mark then?Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Dante
Good point paul, otherwise members might mistake him for staff
I knows my place, Mr Michael, and that's a fact. I wouldn't expect to mix with the likes of you sirs. Wunt be right, that. Unlike some around here as I could mention, I knows better than to be sucking up to big nobs.Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
It's just that he's got the kind of surname one wants to utter. You know? "Bastable." Feels good when one says it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Paulclem
I have sent him an invite to our next function in the Curmudgeon's Arms. If he buys a round he will be forever known as Mark if not it will be plain old Bastable.
http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s...eist/funny.gifQuote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
You're a great man - I've told Parker to put those on my tab!
Cheers.
Definitely Mark. I've always loved the way those schools are "public".Quote:
Originally Posted by Paulclem
Brilliant news!Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
This is the first time ever that scientists have speculated on the possibility that they might have some evidence - a huge leap forward.
On the strength of that, I might have another drink.
My round, Parker. If God particles exist, does that mean he is actually made of matter? That would be so très banal. Next thing he's gonna float down the stock exchange.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
Happy Saturday night to all :)
Ah, well, there's a very reasonable reason for that obviously confusing term....Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
Re how I should be addressed, let's not get hung up on this 'Mark' or 'Bastable' thing. Just kick back and refer to me as 'Your Awesomeness'.
A word to the wise 'Your Awsomeness' Soundo will not take kindly to pouring your tea and cleaning Bastable Hall. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
Huh? I would never expect that kind of subservience from a woman. That's why God gave us the Scots.Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by DocHeart
Damn right.
I bet the shares go through the roof!
Yep, and I understand it perfectly. Doesn't stop it being funny, especially when our similar schools are referred to as "private" despite being completely available to all people, and hence "public" as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
Careful - we Southern Hemisphereans have a wide range of colloquialisms for English.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable
You may even find some of your fellow Northern Hemisphereans have a few as well, but you'd best check with jocky.
;)
That was a cheap shot Mark. I have spent more than half my life wearing out boots in defence of Great Britain. If you meant to have a go at me personally I can live with that but slagging my countrymen off in general is unworthy goodnight mate .Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkBastable