poignant brevity, haunted. a great tribute to dad... wonderful writing.
but tell N not to envy. for we do not know... ? ?
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poignant brevity, haunted. a great tribute to dad... wonderful writing.
but tell N not to envy. for we do not know... ? ?
Well it says a lot, Haunted but at the same time, not quite enough. I'm undecided whether this is a good thing or not. I kind of want to know the reason for the envy. There's just so much left unsaid.
Live and be well - H
Yes, I agree with the others; the last line definitely makes an impact, but as it comes from nowhere, it seems to be unsatisfying.
And I think the 'shut-shuttered-utter' internal word-play is a bit too playful for the tone of this poem. I'd consider removing 'utter' as I think the first two work well. Still, interesting piece.
Thank you so much for your comments, Bar, Hawk and BV.
Bar, it's true, we do not know, but the grass is always greener on the other side...
Hawk, BV, I thought about what you both pointed to and it's been several days and I couldn't come up with anything more satisfactory and less clinical. I didn't want to ramble on, I just want to say it's the notion of eternal peace that's very appealing. I left it at that, rather than going into reasons, it would be distracting and it's meant to be just a thought.
BV you are absolutely right about utter, it's obviously gratuitous. It's gone!
very short and to the point Haunted. Reminded me of my own dad. I'm curious about the envy though...
Delta, I'm sorry about your dad. You are the third person who tripped over the envy thing. After days of scratching my head, I came up with an alternative. Here it is.
dad’s anniversary
he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over
few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
and it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box
This is how I understood it previously, haunted, therefore I mentioned that since we can't know of that state, why envy... but I guess there are quite a few reasons N does.
I like the new version even better.
Best from Bar
There is still tragedy in this piece, Haunted, and I'm not sure that one should envy the dead, but it definitely reads with more balance. I would suggest though that you make the last three lines a seperate stanza, which would give you three, three-line verses and slow the reader before the final thought.
Live and be well - H
Bar, I figured that was your question. It just got to be better, why else would they say RIP?
Hawk, good idea, Done!
how many people does it take
to paint a table?
one to apply
lush paint strokes
another to perform
itty-bitty touch ups
touch up where he said
everywhere I said
nice he said
and so we work
eyes closed
I suspect we're meant to infer a sexual encounter here and though I can't decode the subtext, I love the seeming artlessness of it, the spontaneity.
Like Prince said, this reader likes how it just seems to pop out of nowhere and bloom into a poem. Good read Queen Jane.
J
I think no one would envy being in the box. I think this has more to do with the way of going. That could be envied. Perhaps a slight modification, like something implying fast and painless, could apply.
Hi Haunted, your latest offering would seem to possess an erotic subtext. It takes some skill to convey so much in so few sparse lines. it's very effective and a pleasing read.
Live and be well - H
I just have to agree with the praise above. It's always a pleasure to read one of your poems, and this one turns out very effective in its simplicity. How is it you always manage to say so much more between the lines than with the sparse words you use?
Prince, thanks so much for your comment. And you are very kind to word "seeming artlessness". But "seeming" or not, I fall short in the art of descriptions I find in other people's work. But then I'm a minimalist and pleased that you like the off the cuff spontaneity.
Jack, you said it so eloquently in your comments. In fact I too was surprised it ended up the way it did and worked. Jane says thank you!
cafolini, welcome to Litnet. I'm grateful for your thoughtful comment.
Hawk, I equally enjoy your short and sweet comment!
Dieter, funny you said that because I admire your skill in delighting us with extensive and engaging poems. To answer your question, I'm a simple person with very simple thoughts :D
a day after the nuclear war
my eyelids glued shut
from dried acid rain
that earlier poured out
of my eyes
I see nothing
hear nothing
though I can still feel
red
...raw
my heart fell out
I’m just a cavity
I can't move
I won't survive
or do I want to
because it’s my own fault
I started it
the first fight
is the most wrenching
This poem has a direct simplicity about it that is very effective. There is a danger though, that it can be read as the introspective wail of someone wallowing in self-pity, so if that's what you were going for then you've nailed it. It's certainly emotional.
Not sure if, 'nuclear war' is intended ironically or not, though it could be, given that nuclear war has global connotations and this poem is all about one person's reaction after what was probably a fairly trivial "first" argument. Of course, if the argument was between the premiers of two nuclear superpowers, then in could, just concievably, lead to one - lol.
Live and be well - H
Oh yes, those first fights are often the most wrenching, as they perhaps signal the end of the halcyon period of the beginning of a relationship. It has always been my belief that a first argument bears close examination as, whatever the surface issue has been, it may be symbolic of deeper issues previously not addressed.
Taut poem!
I like the simplicity of this, and the space on either side given for wondering. It's curious how the stupid fights linger, and after the final break up the things you remember the most, while the good times are just a long forgotten fairytale you don't have the spare energy to revisit. Put like this with the narrator admitting guilt, gives it a raw acid turn, one which speaks volumes. Should be more poems and stories about personal fallibility.
Thank you Hawk, Prince and XQZ.
Hawk, it's indeed introspective wail but minus self-pity. Nuclear war is an analogy to how annihilating first fights are, and for the person it's their whole universe that's destroyed. Yes, the subject of the fight could be seen as "trivial" but the implications are often more serious.
Prince, we are on the same page. Worse yet, the first fight can also be the last.
XQZ, well said. I think it's self preservation that we remember the bad stuff to prevent from going back and making the same mistakes all over again.
Interesting poem. I especially like the desciption of your eyes
Thanks Delta, glad the description captured it for you.
hello long lost haunted. You still have it, great choice of subject. The first fight where the honeymoon ends and realty kicks in. We are all probably best off alone and of course we always really are. Thought provoking and a reminder of what I have been missing whilst absent from here x
hello homecoming Jerry. Thanks for your kind comment. I see that you haven't lost your cynical and pessimistic views of the human condition, thank gawd. Looking forward to more JB writing. x
Hawk's Earthquake poem reminded me of something I wrote eons ago. It goes like this...
morning news
downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long
Hmhm - was that his less than subtle way of complaining about what his upstairs neighbours got up to?
H
Rather sounds like it, hill. It's a cute one-liner Haunted, but I'd change the apostrophe s for an apostrophe d.
Live and be well - H
Ha, I'd say that's considered subtle in NY. Yeah, it was all one-liners back in the day, almost riddle-like. Now I tend to ramble and end up paring down a lot. Thanks Hill and Hawk for the read.
Yeah, short and sweet, unlike the subject of the poem, which sounds more long and sweaty...
Thanks b/v, your comment is just as short and sweet and the last part right on the money.
spoons
the world
reappears
sideways
reflexively
you turn over
until we fit
like a set
It's quite a nice image Haunted. Perhaps "Reflexively" rather than "like reflex" which isn't quite right.
Live and be well - H
morning news
downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long
haunted, this is both clever and subtle. And the subject entity clearly in need of rescue operation!
I like this and the vision of nestling into a partnerQuote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Excellent. You have the wit of Gustave Courbet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Hawk, thanks for weighing in. I changed to "reflexively" but not sure if I actually prefer "like reflex." Don't know about the grammar but it's a bit punchier. I'll sleep on it....
Delta, really glad it visually works for you.
Bar and Deryk, in lieu of an equally clever and witty response to your kind comments, let me just say thanks so very much!!!!
terminal
the grand wall clock
has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room
I hope the last call will be made
by a sympathetic conductor
who will wait till I’m ready
really really ready
I wonder if I have enough makeup
need to look stunning for the trip
make that nice lasting impression
even if they have to
repaint the locomotive
will you come and
identify me
Hi there, Haunted. I see you have decided to honour your avatar with a suitable post! One hopes that getting it in print, albeit virtual print, will be sufficient to exorcise such dark thoughts! However it's a nice little poem although the repetition of time in S1 in successive lines is a slight weakness. I'd recommend:
"the grand wall clock
actually has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room"
I must remember to bring my DNA testing kit :sad:
Great constructive comment Hawk. I noted myself "time" was repeated in consecutive lines which is a big no no in my poetry writing policy but didn't think hard enough for an alternative. Thanks for the fix.
You and b/v put me to shame with your respective rail poems. Both have helped inspire me. Kudos!