You are welcomeQuote:
Originally Posted by cacian
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You are welcomeQuote:
Originally Posted by cacian
Thank you everyone.
Next subject will be Eyes.
Deadline December 15. Good luck!
In another world
is another place,
In a single blow
a breeze has born
and flown
looking to mellow
trees,
refreshing airs and beams
to paint another
phase,
with hands on heart
and quests
for colours all around,
a vision of a past
reflected in your
Eyes,
looking to move
a day into a future glance
Your eyes
Pristine pools
Dreamy depths
Keen knowledge
Window of the Soul
Loaded with Love
Loving an Amazon (Title)
There she was,
The rough tomboy
Could ride the horse
And float with the buoys
This was her fourth
Of many such
Delicate ways as befits a court
And Amazonian (yet maternal and feminine) ways like a butch
A cloth around her neck tied
Like an adventuring fisherwoman dressed
Dagger against her dress pressed
Her opponents like brides cried
Could gut the whale
And cut the wolf rabid
Take care of her followers avid
Yet tame and shear the recalcitrant male
She takes her fifth shot
I am struggling with my second
Her scars the “medals” from battles fought
Mine arise from feelings for her heightened
She treats me by turns
As a fool, a stool pigeon, a clown
And at times an idiot to be controlled by treatment stern
Or more often ridiculed and humiliated for the edification of the town
She hoists me up to be exhibited like in statues
In tarred finery, hugging mannequins
Prompting me to ask : Is My love for her fatuous ?
Am I doomed to be hoisted on pedestals only to be let down by my self indulgent sins
One day, like a painted and (pinned and pained) bird,
I rise on the wings of my feeling seared
I cry out both for myself and the amazon I have loved
Who across the oceans of the world has rowed
Like a swarthy female version of Othello
Myself the male Desdemona to whom she at last consents
To relate the tales of the seas , black to yellow
Through which she has sailed up to times present
The characters whom she has met , rascals and saints
And of every hue in between
Her tales were enough to give a delicate lad like me the faints
Telling of a world beyond what he had ever seen
She wonders and marvels at my innocence
Like a diver , she means to torment and bully me out of my shell
And extract the pearls of good sense
That lies buried in my dell
At last we give way to the feelings of mutual affection and love
A mating like that between land and sea
Between the fiery eagle and a gentle dove
Each loving the other, both know “Who is me ?”
The Amazon warrior in star like hues her lover dyed
Who in pain filled ecstasy cried
Zen like In the morning after,
Things are the same fore and after,
The sun still shines, the birds still sing
But the lovers view it as the beginning of eternal spring
Though the above poem is long, it is minimalist and an attempt (after a long time) to write verse in rhyme form
Essentially, this does relate to the theme "eyes" in the sense of attempting to look at the world through the beloved's eyes without losing one's sense of self
Opened eyes
Drop disguise.
The Eyes of Medusa
Stone cold beauty,
her eternal eyes
project the agony
hidden deep inside.
Alluring,
her deadly gaze
entrapping
unfortunate souls.
With a glance
freezing
those who would
prey upon her.
Yet she is
the one they call
predator.
Up close and open
jagged colored edges that
surround smiling black.
You,
two echoes away from me,
peppery-musky, shower fresh,
my senses tingling
under your loving gaze.
Your toothpaste breath coming close,
your lips pressing against mine,
my fingertips locking eyes
with your clean shaven cheek.
The Spiritual Eye
With one's third eye opened
to beyond all that is at hand
One may heed the Spirit
to bring forth understanding
Surpassing the wisdom of man
:tailor STATELY
Eye see your
I's, your terrible
formation of
lies.
1 week til the deadline, still plenty of time to submit!
irresistible
it never fails
to wake me
every time I see
your bedroom eyes
Alas, I'm late yet again. But your results are finally here!
cacian: Interesting and unique. I liked the last few lines.
Pendragon: Perfectly minimalist and lovely alliteration.
sundarramchand: A bit lengthy for a minimalist contest, but in other contexts I certainly enjoyed it.
YesNo: It takes true talent to write a full poem in only four words, and you've succeeded.
Dark Muse: Beautiful, unique, and original. Loved the last stanza.
krymsonkyng: Simple and lyrical. I liked "smiling black."
DieterM: I adored your lovely descriptions using the senses, it really made the piece feel real and come alive.
tailor STATELY: An interesting take using the third eye.
breathtest: Your alliteration and use of eyes and I's made it entertaining to read and very unique.
Haunted: Romantic and lyrical.
This was a very close one but I'll have to give the win to................DieterM. You're up!
I'd like to add an honorable mention as well to Dark Muse, who was a close second.
Thank you! And congrats to DieterM
Dark Muse I thank very much for the feedback and congratulations to DieterM.:santasmil
Congratulations, DieterM! :seeya:
Hey, guys, I'm really really flattered - made my day, it did. Thanks to moonbird. And of course I stumbled upon the outcome rather late. I think I'm desperately gagging for holidays... So, what shall we write about next time, huh? How about "smoke"?
Yeah, let's make it smoke then. Up to you, as always, to make something out of it. I'm sure you'll come up with fine & fascinating poetry yet again.
Deadline? Jan. 22nd 2012.
In the meantime, I wish you all a merry merry XMas, a happy new year; have yourself a wonderful time, and see ya next year - that is, inch'allah, if God wants it. :santasmil:ciappa:
Clearing the Air
Smokey future, smokey past--
The present's clear and it will last.
Toxic Love
Smoke lingers off the edge
of your lips, sensuously
curling in the air.
Drawing me in,
a subtle reminder
of the poison you are
but like any addiction
there is no escape.
I only want a taste
of the nicotine
on your lips,
to inhale your sins,
knowing it will
be the death of me.
it feels so dense
dark is the fence
that stands apart
with doors ajar,
light is the smoke
that lifts the tense
around the clays
wood and terrains,
fenced up
the doors,
open once more
freeing the senses
letting the denses
out of their ways
breath upon fresh!
windows of hope!
The smoke forms vague shapes
The Past
The Present
And even ghosts
Of that which is yet to come
Pendragon
He smoked his cigarettes like commas,
or sometimes like semi-colons;
Vague the meaning was.
the breathsteam
looked like smoke, and
the harbor like a yawning
God.
Two lips
Thin and pale
Like crescent moons
Breathed forth words
In a whisper of smoke
And embers burnt her
Throat
The Man-God and Cigarette Smoke
a god bellowed,
lit cigarettes
inhaled smoke and
exhaled insects
which flew, floated in density,
around an end-entailing god
Bumpity-bump?
Hi all, very good stuff so far... 2012 starts perfectly well, and perfectly well inspired, I can see. Just one day left to post your poem; I remind you the subject is "smoke".
See y'all tomorrow.
Smoke’s pinions flutter, fold over
and wilt, as dawn melts the moon.
This is how you disappear, love,
dream ashes silvering your pyre.
YesNo: A clear and witty aphorism; I guess you can’t get any more minimalist while still expressing something so eternal and eternally true.
Dark Muse: Personally, I had a slight problem with two line breaks (stanza 1 where it would make for a smoother reading if you wrote “Smoke lingers / off the edge of your lips, / sensuously curling in the air.”; and the last two lines “knowing it will be/ the death of me.”). Apart from those minor technicalities, I really, really enjoyed your poem and the metaphor of toxic nicotine/toxic love worked perfectly well for me.
Cacian: You’ll forgive me, but I’m not really sure to have understood everything in your poem. Which is not important as, with modern paintings, only the result (i.e. how we perceive someone else’s offering) counts. And several images (e.g. the light smoke lifting the tense) really did it for me.
Pendragon: Your poem more or less joins YesNo’s aphorism in contents, yet is clearly different in form. I especially liked the use of the ghosts, which normally are used to talk of the past and which you made foretell the future.
Jajdude: One of my favourites, and I can’t say why. Perhaps because I’m a smoker? Or because I somehow wished for something like this when proposing “smoke” as our subject? Dunno, really. But what if you just changed the last line into something more natural (i.e. “The meaning was vague.”)? Just a suggestion...
Breathtest: Short and delicious. Need I say more? I loved it.
Moonbird: There’s something almost mystical in your lines (must be what the image of crescent moons does to me). I really liked the whisper of smoke and the embers in her throat.
Meta Penguin: Rather enigmatic than mystical here. Why did I think of Egypt and the Plagues (was it 7? 8? Gee, I’m getting forgetful…) The beginning worked fine for me, but I got stuck when the insects started floating in density (couldn’t really figure out that one), and the repeating of “god” was a little bit disappointing.
Pendragon (second offering): I am not sure if you a) posted in the wrong thread, b) wanted me to consider “Bumpity-bump?” as a second offering for this round (you sure you didn’t read too much Wolf Larsen lately? Lol) or c) proposed the lines written in bold. As I tend to prefer your first poem in this round, I simply say “nicely done”.
Bar22do: smoke-like, reads like a dream you only vaguely remember once you wake up. Loved the “silvered pyre”...
All I can offer is personal impressions. I apologize: I love to read poems, but I’m awfully clumsy when it comes to analyzing them, or analyzing why I like some of them and have quibbles with others. Plus, it’s a hard job to decide which one to choose. But a decision has to be made, and it's a really close one (only one winner, and several on the second place).
So it’s... Jajdude this time.
Congrats!
Dieter thank you for such a constructive and rich feedback!
and congratulations to Jajdude
:hurray:
well done!!
Bravo Jajude! congratulations! from Bar!!!
congratulations to Jajdude! :cheers2:
Congrats to Jajdude
Congratulations, jajdude!
Oh, I didn't know till I just saw a PM. Thanks. Don't remember writing in this one even. So be it.
Another topic, eh? Let's go with "Drink"
Bartalk
Barkeep, pour us another round
I got to somehow keep these demons down
I join the other lost souls at this bar
I wish things weren't exactly how they are...
More tequila, and don't let the glass go dry
Drown my sorrows in a beer and wonder why
They say that misery loves some company
And all the other folks in here are just like me
It's midnight, and the choir starts to sing
Because by now we're beyond feeling pain
We pay our tab and stagger out the door
One lonely night behind me; ahead, a million more...
Pendragon
(C) 2012
Drink, Drank, Drunk
I took one drink. No doubt, then two.
Too many followed. I was through.