Nice one.....?
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Nice one.....?
You'd have to be familiar with the film, "Enemy of the State." But, late in the film a gigantic building blows up and Will Smith asks Gene Hackman, "why did it blow up?" to which Hackman immediately says, "Because you made a phone call!" In the context of the film that line is a gas and Hackman says it just right.
Ouch.Quote:
Originally Posted by muhsin
And I say again: Ouch.
Gosh! Miss T. It really made, and its still making me.....keep it up.Quote:
Originally Posted by miss tenderness
Well I don't mean that. Go back and re-read it for better understanding. By the way, why think of Africa in such regard-Full of STDs?Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy?
I'll soon get it for more laughter dear.Quote:
Originally Posted by byquist
Clarify please.....:crash:Quote:
Originally Posted by trismegistus
If you Don’t Eat Junk food, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Drink, Don't Have boy Friend/Gal Friend, Don't Play Cards, No Late Nights; Then Visit Our site: forwhatwereyouborn.com :rolleyes: :D
Dear muhsin,Quote:
Originally Posted by muhsin
Sorry I offended you, obviously I meant it only as a joke.
Just wondering...
Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why does the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the tim eo fthe day with the slowest traffic called a rush hour?
Why do British singers suddenly lose their accents when they sing?
A priest was talking to a nun, and he saw that her belly was getting bigger, and he made a comment about it.
She replied to him that it was just a little gas.
A couple of months later, he ran into her again. This time, her belly was really big.
She just patted her belly and said, "Just a little gas."
Two months went by and he came across the nun again. She was pushing a baby carriage.
The priest bent down and looked into the carriage and said, "Cute little fart, isn't he?"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbedit, lo and behold, a genie appeared!
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician's genie. That means for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."
The man though about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly, the genie gave hima Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.
"Ive always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly, a Ferrari appeaed. "But every politician in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," the man said, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On the way throught he cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Ofcourse not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
Steward: Are you done?
Passenger: No, I'm Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I'm Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?
"The sun revolves around the sun."
- Almost everyone, before Galileo invented the telescope.
"The earth is flat."
- Almost everyone alive before Columbus' voyage
"Radio has no future; heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, 1894
"Man will not fly for another 50 years."
- Wilbur Wright, 1901
"China is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living in there."
- Charles de Gaulle, fromer French President
"I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the Miss Universe contest 1994
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields
"Go see it for yourself why you shouldn't go see it."
- Samuel Goldwyn, Hollywod producer
"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears
"In an action film, you act in the action. In a drama, you act in the drama."
- Jean-Claude Van Damme
"You know one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton
"Whenever I watch T.V. and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be skinny and all that but not with all those flies and death and stuff!"
- Mariah Carey
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon
"I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
- Mariah Carey,on hearing of the death of the King of Jordan
"To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from God."
- Celine Dion
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
.....
I really needed to laugh today.
Thanks
Sorry, I just miscalculated you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy?
No, I don't. Why did you ask? My avarta? I'm only a Muslim that's why I like it.
Am pleased to hear that.Quote:
Originally Posted by OZEED
Thanks for the link great Maddie.Quote:
Originally Posted by Madhuri
We're waiting for clarification. I see you are English.:idea: :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
The girl really asked a good question. How do you see it? Honest=1 and Politician=1. Thus 1+1=2:) :idea:Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
A good 'talented' Passenger.:crash:Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.:thumbs_up
Although it doesn't hurt to have a double-citizenship, I'm like that guy in the joke. A Filipino! Proud to be! But not in the sense that I'm as dull-witted as he is. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by muhsin
I like to laugh!!! Although I hate sliming my elbows with grease....:p And I try to keep my elbows off the butter dish. :pQuote:
What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.:thumbs_up
This is a true story and I found it funny but I don´t know if you will, it might depress you. Lets give it a go.
I was at the airport looking out the window when I can across a very large grey sign. There was nothing above or below the sign. The had a green arrow the arrow was pointing up. Now heres the funny part underneath the sign in slightly darker grey letters were two letter U and P. Chew on that, some people take longer than others. I´ll wait
ok if anyone ever looks back at this it´s not a joke its a story and funny to some the sign is pointing up at an airport at the sky at nothing and all it says is up. its like they need a sign so people know where they are going
it is reminisnt of hg2g humor like th edirections a packet of tooth picks why do you need directions it´s funny not because of a play on words but because it is an absurd situation
In this case, I am that SOME PEOPLE, Alhara. Can't swallow it. *tries hard* And I'm a good joke listener!
Hey, congrats on your hundredth post!
I FOUND A PARODY OF "THE RAVEN"!!!! it is hilarious
http://www.joot.com/dave/writings/raven/troubled.html
Ok I think I may have posted this joke elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to check so I'm posting it here.
Once upon a time there was a rich Lord in Britain. It was the custom at the time to get a portrait painted of your wife, so the lord decides this would be his chance to show off to the surrounding nobility. He starts thinking & then decides that he's heard of a few Dutch painters so he decides to bring one over to paint the picture.
The artist arrives and is introduced to the Lord's wife, after his wife leaves he turns to the painter and says "Look as you can see my wife isnt the prettiest woman in the world, in fact you could say she is downright ugly. So I'd like you to paint her with sympathy" The artist agrees and goes of to do the portrait.
A month later the portrait is due to be unveilled and the lord gathers a collection of the neighbouring Lords & Ladies. When the curtain is pulled off, the Lord is surprised to see a painting of the village blacksmith with his hand down his wife's top.
He pulls the lord to the side and says "Whats this? I wanted a sympathetic portrait of my wife, and you pain this?" The artist replies "Ah, now I no speak english very gut, so I look up sympathy in your dictionary. Sympathy: A strong fellow, feeling in the bosom"
:)
That is hilariious, Kilt. I had a good laugh. :lol:
Yes it was told to me by my Organic Chemistry Prof when I was at Glasgow University and still had visions of becoming an immunologist (would have been something like 8yrs ago now - started Uni at 17) he also told me one about Computer Programmers, Bikes, and attractive naked women (but that one is not suitable for the forum) - he was also the reason I dropped out after 1 year.
Some funny quotes about The Arts
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
The problem was his poetry, which was of the Naturalistic school
and leaned heavily on the S alliteration: "Sad, sorrow-sunk survivors
of a sadistic society, saturated with strong, stiff stench of
stifling strife..."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers
are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have
to explain what a writer is.
AHAHAHAHAH this was my favorite!!:lol: :lol:
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
"... the movie looks it was filmed by a rhesus monkey with a video camera. The
editing looks like it was performed by a rhesus monkey with a Cuisinart.
Apparently, if you're a rhesus monkey, you can really go places in Hollywood."
the television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes
a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren
which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little...
- Ray Bradbury :D (is big Bradbury fan)
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.
"The length of a film should be directly
related to the endurance of the human bladder." -Hitchhok
"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save
if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts
as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and,
instead of bleeding, he sings."
-Ed Gardner
"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong.
"I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs."
You people wanna us go mad 'cus of laughter. Dramas.. your story is really hillarios. Keep the ball rolling.
muhsin,
may i be so bold to take credit if i retell one of your jokes/anecdotes. i wish i had one of my own to contribute, but i'm drawing a blank.
chasestalling
I've stolen this one from somewhere, but here goes...
A man walks in to his therapist's office and says, "Please help me! One minute I think I'm a teepee, and the next I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam. Teepee! Wigwam!"
The therapist replies, "Relax man! You're two tents."
This is funnier when the joke is verbal.
Yes, you surely can. Do it.Quote:
Originally Posted by chasestalling
I too, some of 'em are just taken from somewhere.
Here is a popular one:
A boy asked his father "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You've Got Male
Here's one for the history buffs...
A farmer was sitting in his outhouse, when one of his children ran up and flipped the outhouse on its side and ran away. The farmer manages to get out of the outhouse, and calls his children to him. He asks, "Who tipped over the outhouse?'
None of the children answered. The farmer again asks his children, "Which one of you tipped over the outhouse?" Still none of the children would reply.
The farmer thought for a bit, and then told the children the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree. "Do you children know who George Washington was?" The children all stared blankly. The farmer continued, "George Washington was a GREAT man! He was the first president of the United States. When George Washington was young he chopped down a cherry tree. His father asked who had chopped down the cherry tree, and George Washington said, "Father I cannot tell a lie. It was I." His father was so happy with George Washington's honesty that he didn't punish him. George Washington was a great man! I ask my children again, who tipped over the outhouse?"
The middle child shuffled his feet and said, "Father I cannot tell a lie. It was I."
The father dismissed the other children, and then proceeded to give a vigorous spanking to his middle child. When the spanking was over, the middle child with tears in his eyes asked, "Father, why did you punish me, when George Washington's father did not punish him?"
The father replied, "When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father was not in the cherry tree!"
Ba-dum-bum
Muhsin, that You've Got Male jokie was a laugh........:lol: :lol:
And Kilt's is as funny as I imagine him wearing a kilt...
:sick: B-Mental, I think you need a new joke book. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by B-Mental
lol
that was funnier than my joke
Hey Muhsin, just went over your profile and what are you saying you're younger than me? I'm just seventeen! :) And by the way, very good-looking, huh..
Here's one joke:
A couple went to a restaurant for dinner:
Boy: What do you want to order, honey?
Girl : Anything you order is fine by me, teddy bear...
Boy: Alright then. Do you want beefsteak?
Girl : I had beef for lunch.
Boy: Eh chicken?
Girl : I had chicken last night.
Boy: Crab meat?
Girl : I'm allergic to crab.
Boy: Shrimp tempura?
Girl : I'm allergic to shrimp.
Boy: Tuna?
Girl : I don't eat tuna.
Boy: What about green salad?
Girl : Is that with Thousand Island dressing or vinaigrette?
Boy: Thousand Island.
Girl : Bleccchh!
Boy: Okay, what about vinaigrette?
Girl : I don't like vinaigrette either.
Fuming...
Boy: SO WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT?!!!
Girl : It's up to you, my teddy bear...
Do you really mean that Laind? I don't think I'm as good looking as one would announce.....Lol.
'Course! Everybody's good-looking enough to be mentioned as such. :thumbs_up
yeah - Muhsin, if the picture on your profile is you, you're quite handsome! ;)
and Lain, if the picture on YOUR profile is you, i think i'll go off and spend several hours in a closet raising my self-esteem back up. :p
Jokes: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown? If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
Thanks so much. You two make me feel proud of myself not as I was feeling before in this Site. I like you! Mir&Lain.