Lymerick

"Nothing happened!" Our sweet Jane was glad.
Were her Billy untrue she'd be mad.
"My Billy, my dear,
I'm pregnant. You hear?"
He heard. "You will soon be a dad!"

Political theory and hifalutin talk
Could'a made Otto Von Bismarck say, "Guten Tag"
But with baby on board
T'was Jane, Bill adored
Matty and Phil still in tub, mookin' the wok


(Not sure what Matilda and Phil are doing, but I've got a fair idea - and it rhymes pretty good)

Matilda and Phil didn't care
As long as the cops were not there.
At the party they played
Till the sun made its raid
On the night and discovered the pair.

Billy and Jane became old and gray
The baby matured and moved away
Matilda grew stout
And Phil suffered gout
The hot tub broke down and got in the way


(I swear this is not at all autobiographical...Really...Scout's honor.)

And Betty, Bill's anarchist belle,
Forgot every anarchist spell.
Her three children in college
Consuming fresh knowledge
Never knew and that's all just as well.

Aye, the past and the future aint set,
For the future aint happened yet,
The past is all gone,
And often told wrong,
And parts we remember to forget.

There once was a old priest named Squire
Who had all the boys in the choir,
Except for Jack Wong
Who knew this was wrong
And choked him to death with a wire.

There was a young woman called Jen
who once frigged herself with a pen
but the vigorous friction
became an addiction
which wrote off that young woman called Jen.

Joey once had a love of his life
Who later became Joey's wife.
Though at first things went well
Soon they all went to hell.
Now their hate fuels hell with their strife.

All the vampires I know like to bite
And that's why you should stay in the light
Where you're safe, more or less,
At least, that's my best guess,
Though it's true, I am often not right.

Kids these days like blood sucking monsters
But Sancho thinks they're totally bonkers
'Cos Vampire drool
Is highly uncool
And Werewolves drinking piña coladas have long curls


---Ahh-Ooo...

The Stage Show

In a stage show one Rendall from Wotum,
Hammered shiny new nails through his scrotum,
but one day he missed
because he was pissed
and ballockst his bollocks and scrotum.

A thin skinny fellow was tall
Like a dick always hitting a wall
But his feet he forgot
From dancing on an empty lot
And his peanuts no longer would ball

Though you can't believe all that you read,
When you're bit by a vampire, you bleed
Till you're dead, er, "undead".
That's how vampires get fed
And eventually that's how you feed.

The pretty girl shrieked and brandished a red-hot poker
The vampire's eye teeth gleamed as he moved in to croak her
She made a jab
Attempting to stab
The unholy demon of an epistolary novel by Stoker