Tell Me A Joke

I got reminded of this joke by those irish trousers in the merryfolk thread:

What is the latest Irish invention?

An underwater hairdryer



Once upon a time there was a scotsman who had this chicken which used to lay one egg everyday, which the scotsman used to eat for his breakfast. Now, the scotsman lived next door to an englishman and one day the hen layed its egg on the englishmans side of the fence. The Scotsman went next door and told the englishman he wanted the egg, english guy says "its on my property,its mine."
Scotsman: "Ok, I know how to settle this, first I'll kick you in the balls. Then you kick me in the balls, and whoever recovers quickest gets the egg."
The englishman agrees, so the scotsman rears back and kicks him as hard as he can. Englishman is howling, but recovers and says "ok, my turn."
at which point the Scotsman responds: "you know what keep the stupid egg."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kilted exile

Once upon a time there was a scotsman who had this chicken which used to lay one egg everyday, which the scotsman used to eat for his breakfast. Now, the scotsman lived next door to an englishman and one day the hen layed its egg on the englishmans side of the fence. The Scotsman went next door and told the englishman he wanted the egg, english guy says "its on my property,its mine."
Scotsman: "Ok, I know how to settle this, first I'll kick you in the balls. Then you kick me in the balls, and whoever recovers quickest gets the egg."
The englishman agrees, so the scotsman rears back and kicks him as hard as he can. Englishman is howling, but recovers and says "ok, my turn."
at which point the Scotsman responds: "you know what keep the stupid egg."

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it's a great one... lol... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
> work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard
> her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
>
> "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home
early!".
> Ralph looked out the window and said,
> "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
> Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
> So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
> outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
> running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
> clothes on his arm.
> One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".
> Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the
> air blow over your skin while you are running.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your
> arm?".
> Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end
> of the run and get in my car to go home.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
> Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".

Another couple of jokes:

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
Man: "Is it common ?"
Doc: "It's not unusual !"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

Christmas Italian Style

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"


When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!


Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"


As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Virgil

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

---

Okay, you started it again.

Who are the most popular divorce lawyers in the western U.S.?
Smith and Wesson.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Virgil

How about another male/female war:

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

---

nasty!

but still funny :lol:

Three men die and go up to heaven. St. Peter looks at his list and asks the three men, "How many times were you unfaithful to your wives when you were married?"
The first guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife twice when we were married."
St. Peter says, "Then you shall have a compact car with which to drive around heaven," and lets him in.
The second guy steps up and says, "I cheated on my wife only once when we were married." So St. Peter gives him a sedan with which to drive around Heaven.
The third guy steps up, looking with mild distaste at the men who went before him, and says to St. Peter, "I was faithful to my wife throughout our entire marriage." And St. Peter gives him a luxury car with which to drive around Heaven.

A couple days later, the guys in the compact and the sedan see the guy with the luxury car sitting on the sidewalk crying. Concerned, they go up and ask him why. He looks at them with tears in his eyes and says, "I just saw my wife--she was on a pogo stick."

:lol: ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go
home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss
asked her

"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by papayahed

["Joke" text]

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You had me thinking this was a true story at first. Somehow, I could picture you hanging from the ceiling pretending to be a light bulb. I don't know why.