write or share a poem

I couldn't find any real fault with the poem, Trisk, except perhaps it needs to say more? Or maybe less? I confess I am not sure. It sounds fine, yet I agree with you that something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I really would go with it needs to say more, I think. It is unfinished.

Adolescent: You are beating yourself up needlessly. That poem was nice and even touching. You are not getting worse, that's for certain! I think you may have fallen into the trap of trying too hard.

Now: Would someone please critique the villanelle I posted, please? Thank you. And be honest, I've been told off by razor tongued magazine editors before and have a LOT of rejection slips, far more than the published poems! :)

I remember most of the villanelle format, but is there a set number of stanzas? If not, I think you could consolidate the poem a bit, it isn't easy to read because it seems to say the same things repetitively, which I know is one of the purposes of the villanelle, but by cutting down I think it will give more meaning and potency to the poem. Am I making sense? I'm not doing a very good job of saying this, sorry.
It's amazing though. Villanelles are incredibly difficult to write and I'm really impressed.

Your poem is absolutely magnificent Pendragon. I'd have to disagree with seasong's thoughts of it being obscure in meaning through repetition. ALTHOUGH some parts seem a bit out of place like the capital "he", all attributes of your poems are easily identifiable. "He" must be a sort of watchman, keep guard over the castle. The castle out in the woods instantly brings up images of a smaller version of Tolkein's Two Towers (which I just recently finished reading for the umpteenth time) and the setting sun can be related to anything. It just appears so deathly but beautiful. Your poetry conveys a very mature sense which is purely nonexistent with beginning poets (such as myself and others) so I can tell you have been doing this for years. What a great poem though.... I really loved it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adolescent09

Who dares disturb the eternal question?
With infernal nattering of thought
Barbarian hordes and African gourds
Sound the hollow echo, of God
Drums in the mountains, on the plains
In the passes, and on the free range
The soft echoes of religion bring
Deadly sounds of a believers faith
Complete and utter denial of life
The possibility of life without eternity
Drive the Godly, the divine, to war
But ye dare not to question
The intellectual atheists disdain
Of an existentialist’s existence
In a world without hope
Beliefs in thought, rather than of hope
Drives love from without
Away from within
The love within religion
And of gods chosen sect
Brings out the hate in all others
Save the agnostic kin
Who doubt both parties equally
And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch

I trully admire your poem Triskele and singular use of words but I can't help thinking that the last verse maybe cut off too sharply.
"And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch"
The line "From this sharpened perch" sounds great but I can't help feeling that it hangs in the air. It's funny because I liked reading your poem so much that by the time I was finished, I found my self wanting to read more but that was the end... Your poem was fantastic though; thank you for sharing it trisk.

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you know, i think you are right, perhaps a line or two added at the end with the fial syllable being a soft ending instead of the abrupt stop that this poem has, thanks for the input, i did not see that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pendragon

Tris, the poem flows well and is well written. I would only ask about your target audience. Whom are you trying to reach? The subject matter is one that could be termed "inflammatory". But the poem stands as well written, well metered, and reads fine. Just know your audience.

Castle Death

Out in the woods so dark and deep,
upon a grayish, granite tor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep

there stands a castle, with moat and keep.
Inside lives One whose name is lost forevermore—
out in the woods so dark and deep.

The castle is filled with scaly things that creep
around in eerie silence among the shadows on the floor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

The silence is unbearable. Not a single peep
of sound escapes the thousands of throats that implore,
out in the woods so dark and deep.

HE keeps watch. For HE needs no sleep,
burning eyes watching for souls to cross the forbidden moor
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

Should you wander there once, your wanders will never cease—
around and around in the dust upon the castle floor
out in the woods so dark and deep,
where the setting sun goes to sleep…

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ooh... not really creepy, but with the repetition of lines it makes your poem edgily upsetting, almost like a good seventies horror flick

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Seasong

I remember most of the villanelle format, but is there a set number of stanzas?

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Yes. There should be 19 lines, four of which are the closing quatrain. So that leaves 5 three line stanzas. The first and third lines repeat throughout the poem. They are a challenge to write, but I love them, and they have been kind to me, as some of my published poetry have been villanelles.

I also love Sestinas:

Self-Portrait

Charcoal pencil is used to sketch the outlines
Of the points of central focus in the painting
I am designing. The pencil moves quickly, creating shadows.
I leave the paper white in areas I intend to highlight
As the work progresses. Slowly, surely the picture gains definition.
I love abstract surrealism! It makes the viewer decide.

Blush is best for the first gentle wash, before I decide
More fully on the colors that I will need to outline
The image. Painting is like photography in resolution and definition.
The correct color choices and technique—and is it a painting—
Or a photograph? The shading and the highlights
Must, of course, be perfect: Not too bright and yet not too much shadow…

A medium grey is what I almost always choose for shadows—
The world itself is far too dark. One must decide
On a method of proceeding from shadow to highlights:
Back light? Front? Side? Diffused? This will determine what part of the outline
To darken, and what part to leave alone. Each and every painting
Must have something that catches the eye, a defining

Characteristic of its own. In color, some art seems to defy definition.
Perhaps it would be better rendered in black and white, to focus on shadow.
But one artist should never criticize another’s paintings.
What we disguise as “criticism” is truthfully and decidedly
Merely professional jealousy! Ah, the painting has begun to emerge from the outline.
It is a self-portrait in shadows! Now for the highlighting!

Banana-cream is a color I like to use for the purpose of highlights.
It mixes well with the shading, and brings forth real definition!
The places I left white in the charcoal outline
Become gloriously shiny; the others softly fade into shadows.
There are not quite enough shaded areas, I decide.
I pick up another brush and turn back to the painting.

My pallet is a rainbow of colors, though few are required fir this painting.
Grey, white, blush, sepia, blue, and of course banana-cream for highlights.
That’s about it. The eyes of my portrait stare at me as I decide
Whether or not they need to be a bit more clearly defined.
No. They are sad blue-grey orbs, surrounded by dark shadows.
But the face in the painting is mine, ever outline.

Self-portrait. By definition, then, the man in the painting
Is me. A pale, sad face outlined by very heavy shadows.
Perhaps, I decide, turning back one more time, just a little more highlighting…

© 12/11/97 D L Harris
Published Online at The Lost Library of Alexandria, now defunt

Penn, who is Sestina? I love this poem - so artist - I can fully relate.

Hi everyone,
Today I revised this poem, that I wrote same time as the other one "Frozen Summer". See what you think? Broken hearts can write better, I think. Not sure if this one is as good as my last. It needed revision, I felt. I dug it out of my computer file and reworked it, today. Let me know what you think? I posted it in "Recent Poem" thread, also.

no grave to mourn

if there was an earthly grave
I would be better off;
a place to commune with you,
and a stone bench
and birds that sing in the sunset,
light - luminous light -
that filters through the trees
spreading shadowed sympathy
upon this grief of mine.

here I would remember
you in peace -
think how your life
so softly touched my life.
I would sit all day;
patiently, cry and mourn
the loss of you.

But you are only gone
and that is
nowhere for me,
nothing for me.
tears fall,
breaking hope's rays.
now when I lest expect tears
they come,
But there is no release.

I cry, silently,
trapped within
my empty heart
where rain falls, and
flowers no longer thrive
The garden is barren;
branches bear thorns that
pierce as deep as my soul

I cry out loud,
but no one hears
because the cry is silence
This hollow sound echoes in me

alone

Lovely and moving poem, Janie!

Sestina is the poem form. It is 39 lines, six stanzas of six lines each, with a three line envoy. The trick is repeating end-words in a set pattern.

Thus:

A—F—C—E—D—B
B—A—F—C—E—D
C—E—D—B—A—F
D—B—A—F—C—E
E—D—B—A—F—C
F—C—E—D—B—A

(Read columns down) The envoy contains all six words, two to a line in any order. You notice that by following the pattern, your six stanzas begin and end on the same end-word. Any form of the end-word is usuable, as long as the end-word is not changed. Challanging, but fun. ;)

Hi everyone. Here's a couple.

after
the storm
still
water drops
fall
from tree branches


sunset-
the day's half smoked cigarettes
at the bus stop

Pendragon - I love the Sestinas! It's beautiful.

Janine - no grave to mourn is exquisite, it resonates.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheKnife

Hi everyone. Here's a couple.

after
the storm
still
water drops
fall
from tree branches


sunset-
the day's half smoked cigarettes
at the bus stop

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simple, yet it conveys so much, well played my friend

Thanks Penn and Seasong. I really appreciate your comments. Revising the original poem yesterday helped it greatly. I imagine I have picked up some skills here at Lit Net to help improve. The original poem was written 3yrs ago. Heartache always makes for good poetry.

Interesting about the Sestina. I have a book on poetry form and will have to look that one up. I had never heard of it before.
Thanks - Penn, for explaining it to me. My poem was just a freeform. I don't think I am good enough to attempt a Sestina yet.
The Knife - Hi, see you just joined up. Glad to have you onboard. Lit Net is so much fun and everyone is so nice and helpful. I liked your 2 small poems very much - they are intersesting imagery, and as Tristelle pointed out - say much with simplicity. I like that sort of thing myself. Some of our most beloved poets have used simplicity to say eons. Look at one I posted by Carl Sandburg on Fog. Emily Dickenson wrote with simplicity and her poems lasted the test of time. Keep writing - will be anxious to see the result. You might try "Shared Haiku", also. We have a lot of fun in that thread and it is easy and a good learning tool.

PS: Seasong - so interesting you picked this for your user name. I am Sealace in some of my other sites. Also, Sealacemoon in one IM, since Sealace was taken. Sealace is from an e.e. cummings poem. Is Seasong from a poem or did you make it up? I like the name very much.

I just made it up. I'm from the east coast and miss the ocean rather badly since I'm currently in the midwest for college, but I'm glad you like it.

Seasong, I love the ocean, too, and am on the east coast. Saw the ocean on west coast and fell in love with the sunsets and the fabulous surf and rocky coastlines, etc. Washington state has the greatest sea-stacks; did you ever see photos of them or see them? In the summer hope you can view your beloved ocean again. Spring is just around the corner. Think spring!

It's hard to think forward to it in the middle of midterms but I sincerely hope to be back there this summer. I've never actually seen any of the Washington sea stacks. My Pacific ocean experiences is limited to California. It would be lovely to go to the beach again... hopefully in a few months :D!