oh that is great. reminds me of my little stepbrother and the hours he spent telling me such jokes. Of course I was too old and too cool for t hem, but whenever he left the room I laughed despite myself.
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oh that is great. reminds me of my little stepbrother and the hours he spent telling me such jokes. Of course I was too old and too cool for t hem, but whenever he left the room I laughed despite myself.
Old Soviet joke:
Brezhvev came to US and asked Nixon :"What is the secret, why is US doing so well?"
Nixon answered that he has very good advisers. He sent for Henry Kissinger and asked him a riddle: "A son of your father, but not your brother". Kissinger thought for a while and answered: "That's me".
Brezhnev was really impressed and when he came home, he asked Gromiko(USSR foreign minister) the same question: "A son of your father but not your brother". Gromiki thought for a really long time and said that he doesn't know the answer. "Dumbass",- told him Brezhnev- "That's Henry Kissinger".
Excellent one Boris.I am sure Andre Gromiko would have laughed himself silly.
Hey you are a fountain of jokes, more please. they are great.
a silly one:
A girl calling to the radio station:
I found the wallet yesterday with 10000$ and there also was an id with name of John Smith. Please put some really good song for John
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
You Must Be A Riot At A Party! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbs_up
when you spend really a lot of time with your friends, after a while they unfortunately know most of your jokes. Although my knowledge is reasonably extensive, this already happens. It's nice to tell jokes to someone new- they won't tell you: "you've already told me that one a while ago".
Here is a long one about men and women:
Smart man+ smart woman= light flirt
Smart man+ stupid woman= unwed mother
Stupid man+ smart woman= normal family
A man will pay 2$ for a 1$ thing if he needs it
A woman will pay 1$ for a 2$ thing if she doesn't need it
A woman worries about her future until she gets married
A man never worries about his future until he gets married
A succesful man is a man who earns more money than his wife can spend
A succesful woman is a woman who can find such a husband
To find happiness with man, you must understand him a lot and love him a bit.
To find happiness with a woman, you must love her a lot and not evn try to understand her
A woman marries with the hope that the man will change, but he doesn't
A man marries with the hope that a woman won't change, but she does.
A woman has always the last word in a quarrel.
Any word said after that by a man is the beginning of the new quarrel
Heeheehee...:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Boris239
Once the devil decided to challange heaven to a baseball game.
"You are wasting your time, Satan." God replied. "How could you possibly win? Too many of the great ball players are up here."
"How could I possibly loose?" The devil replied. "All the great umpires are down here!" :D :lol:
Good one. Although I doubt that all the good ball players are up there.
A similar to Pen's:
A young couple died in an accident just before the marriage. When they came to heaven, they told God that they want to be married. God told them to come to him in 3 weeks. So they did and got married. After a while they decided that they want to divorce and came to God with their request. "What",- shouted God, '"I spent 3 weeks to find a priest here. I can not imagine how much time will take to find a lawyer in Heaven"
Another heaven and hell joke.
Bill Gate dies in a car accident, as he comes before God, he addresses him:
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?"
"Oh," God said, "that was the demo."
Hey everyone I've got this old soviet joke:
Soviet party orders an artist to paint a picture called "Lenin is in Paris" as comrade V.I.Lenin is soon returning from his political trip to France.
"But I have never been to Paris, how can I draw it???" - replies the artist confused
"It is an order of soivet party and our comrades, if you love your motherland you will paint "Lenin is in Paris"" - replies the party member
After a few days officials meet Lenin who's just came back from Paris and proceed into a big hall. In a few minutes party member orders his comrades to bring the picture into the hall. The picture is brought in and everyone turns amazed and silent as the artist painted Lenin's wife in bed with another man.
Party members: "But where's comrade Lenin???"
The Artist: "Lenin is in Paris"
Going back to Soviet:
Afterv Americans landed on the Moon, Brezhnev decided that in order to supersede them Soviet astronauts must land on the Sun. The astronauts: "But Leonid Il'ich, it's way too hot on the Sun- it's impossible"
Brezhnev- "Do not think that the Party is stupid. You will land at night"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't even make a comment, that is too funny, and also, I supidly wrote on my profile the city I live in. I am still nervous about KGB!
Boris, I insist, in September when it is my birthday I am extending you an invite. You shall be honored guest and believe me, none of my friends have heard any of your jokes. they will be in agony from stomachaches!
Smoke that was excellent.
I think, kidding aside, that Russia, what is left of it, is one of the most magnificent places on earth.
Boris, do you play professional soccer or for your corporation or what?
Thanks for the invite, Rachel!!
Don't worry- there is no KGB anymore. Of course, there is some other organization, but it's not as powerful as KGB was.
Russia is a very beautiful country, especially my home city- St. Petersburg. Unfortunately the life of most Russians is pretty difficult, but it's slowly getting better from what I heard from my friends who are still there.
I don't play professional soccer, just play with my friends+ participate in some friendly tournaments. My future occupation will be much more mundane- I'll be getting my Masters in Math next semester(hopefully)
Another anekdote about unfaithful couples- there is a huge number of them
One guy talks to his friend: "My wife is such a whore. I specifically sent her a telegram when I'm returning from my trip. And what do you think? I came home and she was having sex with some guy". Then he thinks for a while: "Maybe she is not a whore, maybe she just hasn't received the telegram".
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Oh Boris what a gift you are. I love St. Petersburg. When I was little I already started reading every book I could about Mother Russia and I fell in love with the land, the great architecture, the poetry, social life, just everything. When I would read Tolstoy or the diaries of Nicholas and Alexandra I would tremble with joy. There is something so alive and gorgeous about Russia even in her most broken moments.
When I watched in real time the burials of the Romanovs,royal and saw the line of Romanovs standing silently watching the caskets being lowered and saw the unbelievable beauty of the church I wept for an hour afterward. Do you ever wish to go on an extended trip home?
I have never heard ONE of your jokes before. That shows how much I get around.
Spasibo Boris
Yes sometimes I want to go back- I have really a lot of friends there, after all I left Russia only 4 years ago. I love St. Petersburg- I was so dissapointed that I missed the celebration of 300 years birthday of the city. Have you watched "The Russian arc"? I was casted in Winter Palace itself. I like Tolstoy, but I always prefered Dostoevsky. What Russian poets do you like?
And another silly one:
A little turtle is climbing the tree. After a long and difficult way it finally manages to climb to one of the big branches and jumps from it. While flying it tries to flap its paws and naturally falls on the ground. Hurt, it tries to climb the tree again, falls, etc.
Nearby two birds are talking: "I think that it's time to tell our child that he is adopted"
And a short one- all people are born free and equal. Then some of them get married...
Poor poor turtle! can't wait to tell my girlfriends. thankyou.
Oh I agree about Fyodor, I was meaning Tolstoy with regard to his frequent experimenting with agriculture, with his serfs concerning the way they were treated socially at that time. From that he was able to extract some beautiful imagery. But nothing can break my heart or make me think like Dostoevsky. Poets? Well Pushkin of course and I am very partial toMarina Stvetaeva,(spelling). I find her hauntingly beautiful. And like Sylvia Plath she took her own life, which is tragic. For music I love Borodin, one called the Steppes of Central Asia I loved and Rimsky Korsakoff. Well there probably are fifty names to be mentioned, Russia is so rich in everything. I cannot understand what a shock to you to come from St.Petersburg which TO ME A FAERIE TALE place and be where you are now however impressive.
Do you write poetry?
I just realized I don't know any jokes. Usually the people telling them to me are so gross that my face is glowing from embarassment and I wouldn't have repeated them anyway. so I will just catalogue all of yours and then my friends will first of all think I have gone peculiar(am very shy with friends) and or have been visiting the jokes shop and bought them out of all good books. Thank you Boris.
A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them
Another one: two old friends are meeting.
First: You know, almost all our friends are divorced or at least have a lot of problems with their marriage. But you seem to be very happy and satisfied for 15 years. Is there some kind of secret?
Second: Yes, I'll open you a secret. We decided that life shouldn't become boring and mundane. So we are going to the restaurants. We start from the romantic dinner with candles, then go to the bar, dance, touch each other anticipating the night full of love
First: And how often do you go?
Second: To the restaurant? Every week: I on Tuesdays, my wife on Fridays
I know some Punjabi jokes and some about Sikhs which I find very funny but the problem is that they loose their actual thingy when told in English. *frowns*
[girlFIEND??! :DQuote:
QUOTE=Boris239]A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them
yes- one girlfiend is scary, but can you imagine that someone has two :DQuote:
Originally Posted by mir
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:
1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Actual Statements Taken From Church Bulletins
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Powerful letter from Grandma....
Grandma
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Baked Beans
If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will ......
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,I
have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold
until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......
Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door..."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway..."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup... He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door closes and locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
HUSBAND 1.0
From: Danielle Knowles
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:\IThought
you loved me" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install
Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5, which just
might reinstall Romance 9.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1, and Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snore Loudly 10.8. Whatever you
do: DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend downloading LotsaHotFood 3.0, then reformat your personal files to be compatible with NFL 6.5. That should automatically reinstall and run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
Don't forget to run Keeping Slim 5.5 three or four times a week for about 20-30 minutes (Use the image minimizing routine). Then install and run Victoria's Secret 10.0 and I'll bet that Romance 9.5 will restart, automatically update to version 9.9 and perform flawlessly.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
:lol: uhmm..
Ques: What''s black and white, black and brown, and black and black?
Ans: A nun roasting on a spit!
nice jokes tania :lol: the baked beans!
1:Knock, Knock
2:Who''s there?
1:Cows go.
2:Cows go who?
1: No, silly! Cows go moo!
Dr. Seuess meets Abbott and Costello
From How The Grinch Stole Christmas
C: Who are those people?
A: Yes.
C: I mean the one's down in the village below
A. Who
C: The one's doing all that singing, and dancing, and cooking roast beast!
A. They're Who.
C. What are you asking me for?
A: I not asking you man, I'm telling you. They're Who.
C: Look when Santa comes to the village tonight who get the presents?
A. Certainly, they deserve them.
C: Who do?
A: Yes.
C: Look, Abbott all I want to know is what are the people in that village called?
A: But they aren't. They're Who.
C: Will ya quit asking me? I don't know!
A: Who.
C: Here we go again! That guy there, the Mayor is he?
A: Yes. He's the Head Who.
C: The head who what?
A: He holds the office of Mayor, so he's the Head Who.
C: You mean all those people are who?
A: Now you got it.
C: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Two philosophers are sitting on a beach in Tahiti. One turns and says to the other, "Have you read Marx?". The other replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs".
A teacher asked a new student,"Can you read and write?"
Student replied,"I can write but can't read."
Teacher was puzzled ,but she thurst a paper and pencil towards him and nudged him to write.
The student drew a few rough lines and returned the paper.
After looking at it with every angle, she told him to read what he had written.
Student replied sheepishly,"Sorry teacher,but I have already told you that I can write but can't read."
..........................................
I read it in a magazine and loved it. :lol: What do you think? :brow:
A new Pastor was nervous about taking over a church from an older man. But the outgoing Pastor just winked, and showed him three envelopes. "Each time you feel pressured, open one, and do what it says. They are numbered. But make sure you are in real trouble."
About a year later, during a rough time, the new Pastor opened envelope 1. It read: "Blame it all on me. After all, I'm long gone, and it won't hurt."
Things settled down for a while but in about eight months, the new Pastor was in hot water again. He opened envelope #2. It read: "Blame it all on the denomination. They can afford it, and are unlikely to come after you since the church is one of the smaller congregations."
Things went quite well for the next five years. Then the new Pastor really had his back to the wall. He reached and opened the third envelope. It read:
"If things have got to this point you might as well prepare the three envelopes. You'll soon be meeting your replacement." :angel:
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW." HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS
TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Hope this makes you laugh!!!!! :lol:
Hmm, new pastor jokes eh?
A new pastor was a bit nervous on giving his first sermon. "Don't worry", said the more experienced man he was replacing, "I'll sit in the front row and write down some notes for you. And I'll tell you a secret: if you get really nervous, the water glass always has gin in it instead of water". The young pastor thanks the older man, and delivers what he thinks is a very sucessulf sermon. The older pastor's notes read as follows:
1. Sip the gin, don't gulp it.
2. Jesus had twelve deciples, not four.
3. Mary Magdalane was a prostitute, not a 'skank'.
4. Jesus said: "Take of this bread, for it is my body". He didn't say "Eat me".
5. There are four gospels, not twelve.
6. After the sermon on the mount, Jesus' deciples distributed fish and loaves, they did not 'set up a buffet'.
Playing Gold
Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped
about 5 ft from the hole.
Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer
picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the
ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad."
An agonostic insomniac dysexic is someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Hummmm. Golf jokes.
Bob had called everybody he knew about a game of golf but they were all busy. He was determined to play golf anyway, and he hated to play by himself. That's when he remembered Johnny. Johnny had dropped out of high school, been in prison for drug charges, and now ran an auto repair shop. Johnny wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak.
Bob called up Johnny who said things were slow today and he was going fishing, but he'd play golf with Bob, but he'd never played before. Bob said that was OK, he'd rent a set of clubs, and teach Johnny the basics.
Johnny's first shot was a horrible slice that bounced off a tree, hit the windshield of a passing car, and caused a four-car pileup.
Bob was aghast: "What are we gonna do now!?"
Johnny was studying his club. "Well, maybe I was gripping the dang thing wrong. I told you I'd never played before...." :D
i don't get it