Post your Poems and Get Reviews!

Sidewaysview,
Well you could have fooled me about how new you are to poetry. Like Dry-ice said...the image is great. I feel some of what you say especially the lines about twisted thoughts. It is interesting...you seem to like the dark and yet as you are thinking in the dark you don't like it. It is an interesting conflict that has created beauty. I may be off but I like this poem all the same. Thank you for sharing.

Seperated by a black, metal gate

from the charcoal grey horses,

we faithfully gazed upon them

as their images disepated

beyond the reaches of light.

We stared uninteruptedly,

mezmerized by their silver manes

dancing in the swift, brisk breeze.


As the moments drew us closer

to the end of the night,

the winds began to harshen.

The distance between us lessened.

The icy breathe of a late autumn night

was masked by his solicitude.


Our eyes wandered;

we fixed our admiration

upon the flecks of light

illuminating the empitiness above.


Thanks for reading! This is my first poem, so I hope you like it! Please be VERY honest!

luthien -
There is something very compelling about this poem. It is one of those poems that I do not entirely understand but do not feel I need to. The surreal quality of the central images and the consistently hushed, intense tone is interesting enough to make me think and wonder, which is a fine thing for a poem to succeed at doing.

I think it could be improved with some minor revision. You also need to spellcheck.

I think the word "charcoal" in the second line is unnecessary, and in fact weakens the line. They are gray, that's enough. More is not always better when it comes to adjectives; in fact it usually is the reverse.

I like the phrase "we faithfully gazed upon them." What, it makes me wonder, is the mission of these people, so that they must be faithful?

The next two lines I think need some revising. "as their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light" is confusing. What are you actually trying to describe? Is each horse fading out at the edges? Is the herd disappearing into the distance? A rethink of what you mean here and a rewrite to capture it would strengthen that stanza.

The rest of that stanza I like very much. Again, the intensity of the watching is very interesting and gives one cause to think. (Mesmerized is the correct spelling there). The image of the grey horses, with their silver manes dancing in the "swift, brisk, breeze" (very good language choice there, the rhythm is lovely) is almost dreamlike.

I also very much like the first four lines of the next stanza. You write those line in two sentences, and in my opinion you choose to break them up most effectively. The language is simple and clean, but strong. I feel perfectly the cause and effect of the winds harshening (good word choice) and the watchers drawing close, as if to stay warm.

I do find the final two lines of that stanza confusing and intrusive. There is this sudden "he" and "his solicitude." It feels like these lines come out of nowhere. Who is "he"? Can these lines be rewritten to be more clear?

The final stanza is good just as is. Here we have the watchers shift their attention skyward, but it is as if something has distracted them, their gaze "wanders," and then they refasten their intensity on the lights above them. It seems that these watchers must observe with intensity, whatever they observe.

Well, those are my thoughts. I took you at your word when you said you wanted a heartfelt critique. Of course you will take anything I say and use it or not as you feel you should. But I would not have taken the time to write if I had not been struck by the piece. With a little work, it could be a very lovely poem. There is something of the spiritual in it, somehow, or perhaps that is just my way of taking your imagery and spinning it in my mind.

Good luck and keep writing.

Paige

I truely appreciate your views on my peice, however, i think an explanation is due in order for you to determine what makes sense. The horses are symbolic of waves. My boyfriend and I parked by the water's edge at night and watched the waves. The only waves visible were those lit by the headlights of his car, explaining why "their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light".

Being a personal experience, I do not know how I can clarify the "he" in the poem, whether I should introduce him earlier in the poem or not, I am unsure.

I also feel that there is no ending and I do not know how to end it. It feels like it just ends and it sounds unfinished. If you have any advise there it would be appreciated as well.

Once again thank you for your opinion. I enjoyed the review and your honesty.

I wondered about whether the title was to be taken literally or not. Now that I know, I can look at the pieces again with different eyes.

I'll answer your questions first:

I do not think you need to use "his" at all. Why not just say "The icy breath of a late autumn night was masked by solicitude"? This makes it clear that one of the watchers was solicitous toward the other. We don't need to know more.

I'm looking at the work "masked" there, though, and wondering if there is a better and more interesting word you could use. Do you really mean that the cold was hidden or covered over by solicitude? Think about that.

I don't agree that the poem is unfinished. I think it is complete. The night passes, as the watchers are mesmerized by the waves, and then, as the sky lightens, the mesmerizing quality of the waves is lessened, and the sky, instead, becomes the focus. However, rhythmically, it would be pleasing to have one more line in that last stanza (that's what I'm betting you are instinctively feeling - why it feels unfinished to you), and I would place it as the first line, and have it lead us to the transition of looking upward at the sky. Perhaps a line about some change in the horses because of the light. Read the poem out loud and when you get to that final stanza, mentally mark out the beat of a line before the first one, and see if that does not make the poem feel more complete to you.

Now that I am clear it is waves, your lines "as their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light" makes sense. So leave that.

As for whether you need to set up a direct metaphor early on within the poem to make it clear that you are talking about waves, or whether the title is sufficient, well, I think I will leave that to you. The fact that I didn't entirely get it (I did briefly wonder about it) might be my fault only. It would be quite easy to insert something within the poem to make it more clear, but I would show the poem to others and see if they get it. If most do with just the title, then leave it as is. Or you could change the title a bit, if you feel most don't get it. But first see what reactions you get, you might find that everyone understands right away and I am odd man out!

luthien, I want to say again that I think that this is a lovely poem. It just needs a little bit of revision to bring it to total completion.

If you want to talk about it further, I'll be happy to do so. Again, I don't set myself up as an expert, or the last word. Please take what I say and use it - or not - as your heart tells you.

Paige

bullying

i used to see myself the best
i used to have it all
i used to be invincible
but bullies made me fall

i used to enjoy coming school
i used to feel so tall
i often see myself a fool
and now i feel so small

they call me names
they hit and kick
they throw my stuff around

they bully me and not my friends
what have i done wrong

i cut myself
untill they stopped
it never seemed to end

i often think
whats happened now
i wonder who i am

love i thought lost in time


BY ALEX COPLEY

WRITTEN IN THE MOMENT OF EMOTION



A love I felt so tender and true..

A love I thought that couldn’t be true..

As I think of how I feel..

This love to me is more than surreal..

A glimpse of what I didn’t think could exist..

Seemed to be something that slipped threw clenched fist..

At first I didn’t release what was sublime…

Something that seemed to be in its prime..

Through trials that seemed wouldn’t endure…

This love to me was more than pure..

Through time apart mind wonders, thoughts set in..

The coo coo physic’s sayings seemed so dim..

Made me wonder whats real and fake..

What I felt worried for my hearts sake..

Proven to be more than a kiss…

This love, this friendship more than meer bliss...

The future unknown but certain it is..

My love for you can not diminish..

I believe in us and how we feel..

Believe the never ending connection is real..

My heart I break on the day to day..

Is all just a game i would die with out..

And tested through what seemed as a draught..

I hold your heart so close, so dear..

Losing you is my biggest fear..

Something I know I cant live without..

Once you’ve tasted what true love is about..

Without you Amanda I don’t know if I could survive..

Something I learned I have to strive..

Everything your heart desires..

Is what I will build up on my empire..

They say a man is judged not by what he has..

But what he leaves behind and so far something special I know I can grab..

To fulfill everything you thought you never had.. a kiss means so much to me its true..

My heart beats for one and that one is for you..

I love you so much I can never let go..

Ill be your stalker the one that you know..

The one that you love not by what I have..

But what I give for you to grab..

If ever there was anything more..

I would say not for its you I adore..

A sort of sin if you will..

Glutteny for you if you get that speal..

I cherish your mind, your love, and affection..

You are my convection..

Like an ovens thermodynamics..

Heat rolling over and over in a panic..

This glut, this lust something I feel…

This love to me is more than real..

I love you Amanda more than maybe I show..

But I think you know..

That bond and understanding is what drives it so deep..

So full off meaning so full of life..

I think to be forever could be a strife..

A trail of tests we must pass to the end..

The rest of my life with you im willing to spend..

I love you Amanda so much its true..

I don’t know what I could ever do with out you..

As I approach the end of this rhythm..

I fell that together we have all the time..

As long as we are honest and true to our word..

I belive this love will endure..

Statistically speaking couples our age..

The come and go they pass with age..

Even if two our age together from here on out is a high percentage of doubt..

Not us, not this, this is real..

And when I say that its not just a spiele..

I mean every word that I say and if need be we can survive day by day..

Day by day is kinda what I want..

I want to win your heart every day so I can feel..

That every moment with you is more than surreal..

A test of what I only want..

To be with the girl I love and flaunt..

Your beauty is so powerful so amazing that even half asleep this poem to you is a true quote of my emotion ..

This love for you has my heart wide open..

My heart has been stitched shut from a terrible time..

I love you so much I believe we have so much time..

Indefinet bounderies I truly feel sublime..

This poem just came to me as I awoke, had to right it down more serious than a stroke..im corny this is true but I love you mandi more than I thought I could feel..

You’re the world to me I could turn my back on anything that might make us step back..

These things I think about before I proceed to do..

Is a testament of how my free will do for you..

For what that means is that I once could breeze in the wind..

End over end in an endless spin..

Wanting this wanting that no care to the world..

Now its you my lifes little swirl..

Happiness that comes from the heart I could die today knowing you loved me from the start..

I love you Amanda this is more than true..

More than maybe anyone knew..

From the time you said I guess we are going to be roommates..

You not being mine at the time was a stake in my heart a chain that dragged me behind..

My weekness of carrying for people..

Wouldn’t allow me to show you how I felt then..

Even though it drove me crazy like a plane in a tale spin..

Amanda I write this cause I know..

You’re the one for me I think together we glow..

I don’t care if anyone else sees..

I think peoples hearts are just diseased..

Since we came to be..

I am the happiest person that could ever be..

I end this with a simple I love you..

But to us it means more than anyone knew..

I am so happy..

I am pure..

I know our love will endure..



I love you Amanda and I always will. I promise ill be the man of your dreams and give you more than you need. Im a very simple man but now I have a simple plan. Its easy even to understand. The plan is this its very simple I strive for you and wont stop ever. Until my heart dies and I am deceased ill love you in my grave you make me complete..







I love you always and maybe more than you know but im telling you now

I love you

I am in debate with myself to pursue a degree in English focused on literature. I know writing, particular poetry is a passion of mine, but i wonder if it would be personally irresponsible to pursue it. There are other, more financially sound, choices i can make for my career focused future. but none i would enjoy as much as learning of literature. so I am here on this site, testing the waters, and would love your reviews. Maybe with confidence i can make the decision that will be best for my self.


Love is Always Fresh when New


i do enjoy your company
but i dont trust that it will last
here for now
gone tomorow
why bother- waiting- only slows the past

sweet dreams are memories
meant to fade away
sweet things are destiny's
promises of decay

whispers said at one breath
vanish in the vapor of their wake
love is but a word
short lived and short lengthed

tender touch
gives only so much
as temporary relief
when the feeling is released
there remains only the need

soft kisses like silken wings
are fleeting and retreating
fragile to the touch
to only cripple the entreated

eye to eye a burning flicker
lust thrives and consumes
till the heart is given to the pyre
of sacrifice that resumes

live the moment
in no shame
but know the moment
wont remain

present tense is innocence
never expecting future demise
in love,two happens at one's expense
a sum of momentary prize

A couple of points merichm -

Firstly, these two poems show how much effort you have put into them, and they portray the agonies so many of us suffer at different times in our lives in trying to come to terms with hope slipping away and perhaps giving in to temptations.

My only criticism would be that they need a little trimming - condensing the 'mess' of thoughts so that they come into sharper focus by perhaps concentrating on just one or two particular issues. Also you have employed rhyme in such a way that I think it is twisting or distorting the ideas you are trying to express. Lose the rhyme and write what you really want to write would be my advice to begin with.

Secondly - if you want to share your work with other poets, have them offer criticism and read what they themselves have written you are better posting your work on the :
Writing - Personal Poetry forum (it gets read and commented on by dozens of people every day whereas this particular thread hardly gets looked at)

H

The battlefield, filled
with the dead bodies
and live, just.
Faces contorted, agonized
in gruesome pain
but yet, so still.
In the darkness, no one can tell
the tears that fall to my lap
as I, solemnly, watch over the land.
Stripped of peace, a killing place
as soldiers, old and young have died, but
alas, for what? the whims of a madman.
Blood-soaked ground, black in the night
The cries, the gasps of the dying
and the wails of the souls as, they leave.
Part person, part wraith, I roam
seeing, but blind, i watch the pain
emotionless, but crying inside.
The world seems torn apart, by violence
the evil so far away, now near
lies low over the land, stifling.
Terror through homes, i notice
the end is near.

All of everything I have
is more than what I should have.....
for there are far better candidates
deserving what I took for a grant
If God ever held a grudge, it would be worst on me
cause I never said Thank You enough
but rather complained daily
And if God ever punished me, it wouldn't be this simply
far worse things could happen
than just a few fateful twists....

A travellers diary


I am a traveller on earth ,
I am aware of my own worth ,
And i know clearly where to go ,
But my past's ghosts make me walk slow ...

I saw straight road in front of me ,
I wandered often , could it be ?
But now the road turns right and left ,
What should i do ? I cannot rest !

But i'm confused ... What to do next ?
What has this road instored for me ?
Where are the signs ? I cannot see !
Should i go on ? How should i be ?

There are no signs , there is no light ,
I feel my body getting tight ,
I feel my heart racing for gold ,
It tells me stop !! You should be bold !

But what good does boldeness alone ?
When luck is cloud and i am stone ?
I try to reach ! And then again !
My luck is gone ! I've missed my train ...

Sensless words

Help , love , honor ,
respect , compassion , manners !
Broterhood , gentilness , chivalry ,
Goodnes , honesty , loialty ...

All of us know what they mean ,
But to apply them , we are not keen ,
For in the world we live today ,
They are a luxury , i say !

Bring back the times , let us renew ,
For mankind whas more pure and true ,
Bring back those times for mankind's sake ,
For if we don't mankind will break ...

Sensless words ... ore are they ...

Tormented ...

I have seen both good and bad ,
Far too early , a small lad ,
Being thrown from gentile hands .
Forced to do a deadly dance .

I see happynes , it goes ,
Neverending are life's blows ,
And tough i am a warrior at heart ,
I cannot fight , it is too hard !

I am ashamed of what i am ,
I had such dreams of wealth and fame ,
And now i know , nothing is true ,
There's but one thing for me to do ...

I hope altough i pass from here ,
On my behalf you shed no tears ,
For this is not a world for me ,
A point in staying , i don't see !

I hope my lesson will be learned ,
I hope that i shall not be mourned ,
Instead my name should be forgotten ,
I hate myself for i am rotten...

Retrosectiva zilei ...
Sunt fericit ....Sau sunt ? Sau sunt pur si simplu uimit ...De ce ? Nu stiu ....Nas vrea sa stiu .....Coltul meu de lume , acum e auriu ...Dar stiu ... si-mi pare rau ca stiu ,Ca momentele de genu , se duc asa cum viu ....Cu ce raman ... analizez ....Incerc faptele sa-mi motivez ....Gasesc ceva , ma consolez ,Si totusi instant realizez ,Iluzie , trecatoare , fara sens ....too late now tough ..