It being the day after the deadline (sorry Ampoule, hope you enter the next round, or if you've already written something, share it with us anyway :)) I've chosen a winner, but first some comments for everyone:
Nick Adams—As I said before, your poem doesn’t quite follow the rules of the form in the order of the repeated end words for each stanza, but this is a minor thing. Overall I liked the haiku-like simplicity of this poem and the nature theme. You also used the repetition to good effect with sparse, short lines, and I like the way you actually repeat whole lines across the first three stanzas.
Pen—You did a lovely job with this form, and I like the way you used the fourth stanza to make a turn from thoughts of despair to a prayer for comfort. I was actually quite moved by this poem. You’ve used the repetition well to underline the emotion of how tears, pain, loneliness and despair can wear a person down, and I liked the last line—the simple act of someone holding your hand to bring an end to the loneliness.
Bii—You were the first to take on the challenge of rhyming your end words as well as repeating them, and it turned out great. You have some really excellent lines in this poem, including the opening line, “I fall awake from chemical dreams.” That’s the type of line that will stick in people’s heads.
SteveH—You were the trend setter of the crowd who elaborated on the original form by adding a neat little envoy, which I see was much mimicked by those who followed. Your poem brought a smile and warmed the heart of a fellow lover of celebrated ales and stouts. Though I’ll confess that your accompanying picture brought on a wistful sigh that Old Tom is not more readily available in these United States.
Autolycus—This is an interesting outing, and I like the way your language falls together. This poem evokes some fascinating images and there’s a definite feeling to it about progress and technology and the way it is influencing our present and future. I have to confess, though, that I did find the poem very ambiguous, that is I couldn’t tell if there was some particular subject you were addressing. For example, the “he” of the first line “In the great house He lies dreaming” I interpreted in many diverse ways, including a person awaiting a cure for a disease, a person in a cryogenic state, an inventor dreaming of a chemical cure, a chemical itself of some kind. This ambiguity is not, of course, necessarily a bad thing and is thought provoking in and of itself, unless you did have something specific in mind that you strongly wanted to convey to the reader.
Symphony—A romantic outpouring of images and song! I like the unabashed romantic theme of this poem, and you have some nice lines. For example, I liked the imagery from the second line: “restless lips, skipping beats, candid romance.” The one thing I would comment on is your archaic diction. I would cut out words like “ ‘Twas,” “whilst” and “’tis” in a poem like this because I think they tend to put this already very romanticized poem over the top. This is, of course, one person’s opnion though, and overall I enjoyed reading the submission.
silent x—This is a strong poem with a great use of the rhyme and some neat imagery. I like the idea of God as drummer in a rock band—it’s a great contemporary metaphor for thunder—and I enjoyed the final two lines With the sun glowing red in breaks apart and dies/Throwing its solar debris over our unprotected land.” The only thing I might have changed about this poem is to give the lines a more regular meter, since I think a driving beat throughout, along with the rhyme would have really made it a tight poem. Somehow I can picture this as the lyrics to a rock song with a sensational music video to accompany it.
The choice was difficult among all these talented submissions, but I’ve decided to award the victory to Bii for “Chemical Dreams.” That first line really grabbed me, and the rest followed through beautifully. Congratulations, Bii, and we all look forward to seeing what form you choose next.
