A Little Bit Of Humour # 253
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 403
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet
Why not on a chair?
The silly mare
THERE IS A NEW UNIT OF MEASUREMENT
There is a new unit of measurement
And I promise it’s not flimflam
For calculating the weight of a hipster
The base unit is an Instagram
SHE WAS SITTING AT THE DINING TABLE
She was sitting at the dining table
And I was suspiciously watching
As she had a pen and graph paper
So, she was plotting something
PICKUP # 17
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow are you a computer whiz?”
You can enquire of her
“Because it seems you know how
To turn my software to hardware”
THE SNAKES NEXT DOOR
A young snake had been playing in the neighbour’s
Garden, but returned home in floods of tears
The Mother asked “What on earth is the matter?
Tell me what happened to reduce you to tears”
“They won't let me hiss in their pit, they said I
Wasn’t good enough because I’m small and thin”
Mum said “Don't let them upset you Darling,
I knew them when they didn't have a pit to hiss in”
THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION
The October Revolution
Is something to remember
But the Russians don’t
Celebrate it until November
PERFECT CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, in the heat of an argument,
“How can you be stupid and beautiful in equal measure?”
“God made me beautiful, so you would be attracted to me, and
He made me stupid, so you would be someone I’d treasure”
THE GAME OF GOLF IS
The game of Golf is
A unique sport in my view
In which your most feared
Opponent is in fact you.
NO MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
There is a famous quote about God
Not giving you more than you can handle
Well there are times that I just wish
He didn't have quite so much faith in me
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS
The difference between
Cats and dogs is easily seen
Because Dogs have owners
Whereas Cats have helpers
TERRIBLE HOARDING
I’m a terrible hoarder and if there’s one thing
I’ve learned about junk, and I’ve learned quite a bit
Junk is something you've kept for many years
And throw away three weeks before you need it
OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE
“When I was on the bus with Dad,
He told me to give up my seat to a lady”'
A little boy told his mum “good boy
You were right to listen to your daddy”
“But mum you don’t understand”
He said “I was sitting on daddy's knee”
CERTIFICATION SMALL PRINT
Kate asked, “What are you doing?”
And her husband replied “Nothing”
“But you’ve been studying our
Marriage certificate for an hour”
He said “Well to be honest Kate
I was looking for the expiration date”
DINNER MENU
“Do you want dinner?”
Mavis asked her husband Joe
“Lovely! What are my choices?”
She replied “Yes or no”
OLYMPIC CONDOMS
“My Olympic condoms have arrived”
A husband told his wife excitedly
“I think I’ll wear gold tonight” he said
And her shoulder’s slumped resignedly
“I would rather you wore silver and came
Second for a change” she replied sweetly
