Christmas 2017 # 7

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex

A MOTHERS CHRISTMAS TALE

I have worked for Ebenezer Scrooge all year
A man devoid of any sign of Christmas cheer
I’ve avoided being kissed by the office Romeo
By navigating the office avoiding mistletoe
As the time is ticking towards Christmas day
I could have done with a little help along the way
I’ve dealt with shoppers impatient and rude
But I tried to stay cheerful while I queued
I’ve bought all the presents the paper and bows
I’ve put up with all the countless ho ho ho’s
I’ve got all the groceries and gallons of booze
While you sat in front of the telly and snoozed
I’ve decked the halls I’ve trimmed the tree
I’ve wrapped all the presents from you and me
I’ve written all the Christmas cards to everyone
Which I hand delivered though I posted some
I’ve cleaned the whole house from bottom to top
I’ve washed and ironed till I’m ready to drop
I’ve prepared the veg, I’ve stuffed the bird
I’ve hung the stockings and you’ve not stirred
And the very second I take a minute for me
The first thing I hear is “Mum, what’s for tea”
So to Santa Claus I make my annual plea
For a very special present just for me
Just one year I would like to escape this stress
So that I too can have a merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS CHILL

Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle

RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

Rudolf suffered
From low self esteem
Due to the red nose
It would seem

It rendered him useless
As a parcel carrier
So Santa made a call
To a reindeer whisperer

WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

We went to a fairy tale party
Which I thought was crappy
I ended up feeling grumpy
While my wife was felling happy

THE LAST REINDEER

A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered a pint of beer.
The barman pulled a pint
And gave it to the reindeer,

The reindeer took the drink
And handed over a ten
He checked his change
Then he checked it again

The barman then said
"You’re the first reindeer
I think I’m right in saying
That we've had in here."

He delivered to the barman
A look, barely disguised
“To be honest at these prices
I'm really not surprised”

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

Christmas planning is essential
Or else the festive ambience suffers
And you will not easily be forgiven
If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Come Christmas day
I will be full of Christmas spirit
Buck fizz with my breakfast
Is only the start of it
Then a sherry with the vicar
After the candles have been lit
And aperitif before lunch
Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
Wine with every course
Brandy when the pudding is lit
Liqueur with coffee
Then more brandy as we sit
Then when the day is over
I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit

CHRISTMAS MANIA

Uncle John has mental health issues
And he doesn’t do well with stress
So normally come Christmas time
He has to board the bi-polar express

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R

After circumnavigating the globe
Staring at the back end of Prancer
Santa Claus really looks forward
To watching a north pole dancer

SANTA’S HELPER

Santa has helpers at Christmas
To get him through the season
Then he rests pretty much until Easter
He claims fatigue is the reason
And he is unable to fulfil his duties
Satisfying his cute little yelper
So he bought Mrs Claus a new toy
To make his neglected wife purr
It came with plenty of batteries
It’s known as Santa Big helper

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN

After circumnavigating the globe
The reins of his sleigh in his hand
The only thought on his mind
Is his wife’s winter wonderland

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

CHRISTMAS DAY FOR THE POOR

Christmas day for the poor,
Hold very little surprise
For them it’s just another day
In a sparkling disguise

That "Mother's Christmas Tale" was awesome! Well done indeed.
Full Of Christmas Spirit? Ha ha, laffing my arse off!
Loved all of them, Biggus.

Thank you so much Kiz

The bi-polar express and north pole dancer ones were pretty good as were the rest.

Thanks YN