Christmas 2017 # 2

ICE THAT WILL BEAR THE WEIGHT OF SANTA

Ice that will, before Christmas,
Bear the weight of Santa
Will not, according to folklore,
Bear the weight of an Elf after

I AM THE UNBEATEN MASTER AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT

I am the unbeaten master at Trivial Pursuit
At the annual Christmas family sessions
But then I do have an advantage, because
We play with my original set of questions

IF FROM ALL THE BEST CHRISTMAS SHOWS

If from all the best Christmas shows
I had to pick only five
For me it would be any Christmas show
By Morecambe and Wise

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SPATS?

Are you wearing Christmas spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the motif
Of holly is a very nice touch

CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
That’s Christmas day with Stephen
But I only have myself to blame
For marrying a sodding vegan

RISQUÉ OR RUDE

If you do something at Christmas
That’s either risqué or rude
Then don’t be at all surprised
If it ends up on Yule Tube

INSULTED SANTA

The local shopping Mall Santa
Turned out to be a very grumpy chap
When a little girl put a bin bag down
Just before she sat on his lap

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

My worst Christmas present ever
Without a doubt, I have concluded
Was when I received a box of batteries
Labelled “toys not included”

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Three men died on Christmas Eve
And were stood before St Peter
“You must all pass a simple test
Before you are allowed to enter”

“So produce a symbol of the season
Either on or about your person”

The first man retrieved a bauble
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The next man took a red bow
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The last man took a pair of panties
From his overcoat pocket
St Peter stood fast before the gate
And made no effort to unlock it

St Peter said “You are not blessed
Because you have failed the test”

“In what way do a pair of knickers
Symbolized the Christmas season
I fail to see how they are appropriate
So enlighten me as to the reason”

So the man proceeded to explain
“A young woman’s intimate apparels
Are without a doubt appropriate
When they happen to be carols”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

It was another SUV Christmas
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

OMG, these are crazy funny!! :lol:
Started my day with a smile for sure, sir!

I liked the one about toys not included best, but then there is the one about carol that is pretty good as well. And the trivial pursuit one. And the one about Santa's weight.

Thanks Kiz thats nice to know, Thank you, I'll try and keep those smiles coming

Thanks YN I'm glad I'm hitting the spot