Debi's Debut

If you've been a NitLetter for a while, from time to time you may have browsed across silly little missives from the Real Housewife of East Hogwash, Mrs. Debi Snotenlocker. Usually Debi and her brood show up around holidays or certain annual events. Now that we're being plunged into Yuletide, I recalled not the First Noël, but the First Debi, who made an appearance on this website eight years ago today. Originally the premise was a parody of sportscasting, but for good or ill, the family in that play-by-play narrative spun off on its own. With best wishes for the early winter holiday of your choice, here's a transcript of that WDUH-FM broadcast of December 21, 2008:



“-idespread winter storm has canceled many events up and down the East Coast, including here in East Hogwash. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are unable to bring you the championship game between the Upper Sandusky Sandpipers versus the Boars here at the Upstate campus of Downstate University. Please stay tuned right here to WDUH -FM, one oh four point seven and a half on your dial, for our alternative programing, brought to you by Muckenmeyer’s Discount Beer. Muckenmeyer’s: When It’s the Price-- Not the Quality-- That counts. We join the annual Christmas Morning Celebration with the Snotenlocker Family, already in progress --”

“. . .-solutely, Biff! All three triplets thundered the stairs at four seventeen am in six point forty-three seconds, beating last year’s record for rushing by a full ten hundreds of a second.”

“That’s right, Goose. And Trick, Trap, and Trip ransacked the gifts under the tree like paparazzi storming the red carpet in the Golden Globes pre-show. Now here’s Mr. And Mrs. Snotenlocker staggering onto the field. Rumor has it that Brad almost didn't make it this morning. Last night he left the Dew Drop Inn long after closing time and made it to bed just as the triplets were getting up.

“And now there’s no coffee! The coffee maker has choked! No coffee for Brad Snotenlocker! I don't know about you, GG, but that’s gotta hurt! And here’s Debi, making no move to call in a caffeinated sub. You know, when it comes to passive aggression, Debi Snotenlocker’s as good as anybody!”

“You got that right! She reminds me of the late Emma Wampulbetter. Emma’s silent treatment is legendary, right up there with all the great Guilt-Card Players of the past. Why Emma isn't in the Hall of Fame, I just don't know –”

“Now Milwaukee is opening her presents! This year there was some speculation that the teenager was going to be traded to her father and stepmother, but Debi overruled Brad and decided to keep her on the roster for another season. Wrapping’s coming off, there’s the tissue paper, she holds it up and waving it – there’s a flag on the play! – nope. No flag. It’s a sweater. I'd say it’s some kind of red-colored sweater. Or maybe it’s scarlet. Can't tell. What do you think, Goose– you're the color commentator. And speaking of comments, Milwaukee herself is making one. Let’s listen in-”

“Oh, no, not another dorky sweater!”

“Well, look, honey, it has reindeer and poinsettias woven all through it!”

“Oh, joy. I only have to wear it one day a year!”

“Uh-oh, sarcasm, Goose! I think we're coming up on a major league brouhaha!”

“If not a genuine Donnybrook, Biff.”

“Don't talk to your mother that way! It’s Christmas morning, the holiest day of the year. Stop this sacrilegious ^%*!”

“You can't talk to me like that, Brad! You're not my father!”

“Go to your room, young lady!”

“Uh-oh, Goose! We've got an ejection! Milwaukee Snotenlocker has been thrown out of the game!”

“We’ll have to see what impact this has on the scoring. To recap, Brad’s toast to the season went into overtime, leaving Debi in the lurch on Christmas Eve, forcing her to assemble a complete electronics game system unassisted. You can't count the instructions – they were printed in Malaysian. So – for in the amount of obnoxiousness scored, Brad is currently leading the triplets by twelve points– oh, wait! Here’s a game-changing moment right here! Trip is ripping up Trap’s personal Cuddle-Me-Brite teddy bear while Trick is dumping an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce onto Debi’s home-cooked pumpkin pie. Newt, the Snotenlocker’s Official Family Pet, is chomping down on a family heirloom tree ornament. Don't know yet what’s gonna happen when Newt actually begins to masticate the glass. . .”

“And look at the condition of the field, Biff! Plush animal stuffing, cayenne pepper sauce, smashed up pumpkin puree, and broken glass littering the grounds. I wouldn't be surprised if Debi decides to call this game –“

“Yeah, but will the official rules allow her to do that, Goose? I mean, postpone Christmas? Reschedule December 25 to a different date? Brad has called time. There’s a Time-out while Brad answers the doorbell.”

“Mom! Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you! Look boys, Grandma’s here!”

“What d'ya bring us, Gram?”

“ How are my beautiful baby boys? Come on, and let your granny give all of you a nice big kiss.”

“Whoa! Personal foul! I don't know about you, Biff, but I haven't see slobbering smooches on the cheek like this since the Commissioner bent down to pick up a gum wrapper in a broadcaster’s booth. Grandma’s following her classic strategy.”

“That’s right, G. Granny’s got Uncle Toper toting a load of packages, and he looks like got a half a package on himself. What d’ya think, is he going try to do a full-gainer before dinner?”

“We’ll see, it’s early in the game. Look at that gaily-wrapped oblong item under his arm, is that what I think it is?”

“It’s a pair of slippers – no, no, it’s a fruitcake. If the scuttlebutt is true, it’s the same re-gifted fruitcake she’s been bringing since ‘89, Goose. She stores it in a humidity- controlled vault, similar to what the Colorado Rockies do with their baseballs. . .Oh, wait – here it comes – an entire Christmas Dinner with all the trimmings.”

“Debi’s not gonna appreciate that, Biff.”

“No way! But I doubt it will come close to the great Holiday Horror of Ninety Seven. Remember that one? If I recollect correctly, Grandma told Debi that her turkey roast looked like the pigskin ball from the 1947 Army-Navy Game. And Brad took his mom’s side.”

“I do recall that one, in fact, I covered that Snotenlocker game with the late great Lefty Wankokowski. But you can imagine how Debi’s response to Brad over that particular play. Talk about your chestnuts roasting on an open fire!”

“Speaking of an open fire, instead of sitting down and participating in the festivities, she’s starting to clean the field. Grandma’s become a groundskeeper, ladies and gentlemen! She’s tossing the wadded up giftwrap into the fireplace.”

“Yes, and as usual Debi’s considers this an insult to her housecleaning abilities. Now Grandma’s got the vacuum cleaner out. Debi’s making an attempt to sack her mother-in-law. Uncle Toper’s stumbling over the extension cord! First down in ten. The angel is falling off the top of the tree! Brad’s trying to intercept! Fumble! Fumble! Trip –make that Trap – is pitching Trick’s Christmas stocking into the fire! Newt is moving back toward the tree! Back! Back! Back!– he’s baring his teeth above a Christmas tree lightbulb! Trap–make that Trip- is plugging in the electronic game console! Debi’s screaming–“

“Trick! I mean Trip! Don't plug that in! Listen to your mom! When I hooked it up, I don't know if I put Tab A into Tab B or – Nooooooo!”

“Blackout! Blown fuse or maybe broken circuit breaker. We have a power outage, Ladies and Gentlemen! Can't see the action on the field. The game’s being called on account of darkness. . . As far as this year’s Snotenlocker’s Christmas Morning, the fat lady is singing. Don't know which particular song – but it’s probably a good bet that it ain’t ‘Joy to the World’!”


“This concludes our broadcast, brought to you by Muckenmeyer’s Discount Beer: When it’s the Price, Not the Quality that Counts. Stay tuned for the re-broadcast of last night’s annual Peace to Men of Good Will wrestling match from OOF, the Organization for On-Floor Fighting. So, speaking for my colleague, Goose Ganderheimer, and from all of us here at WDUH-FM, this is Biff Bennington saying Season’s Greetings to you and yours.“

I can remember the days when price not quality was all that mattered. I didn't know you had to store fruit cake in a humanity-controlled vault prior to re-gifting it next year. Nice story!

I love reading your stories just after reading the Brasilian news, because they usually put me in good humour again. I particularly love that one with the narrator preparing the Thanksgiving turkey while the kitchen is being destroyed. And the Joyce style one with that couple recycling pet bottles. I want that money authomat here.
The thanksgiving story of the two visitors sounds very familiar. It made me angry.