Words of Whiz Dumb 2015

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“-ew spelling, same old taste. And if you’re looking for an economical gift this June, think of Muckenmire’s Discount Beer, sure to please every dad, grad, and bride on your list! You’re listening to WDUH radio, one-oh-nine point four and a half on your FM dial. We take you now to the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash where University President Porterhouse Mistake III is wrapping up his preliminary remarks. We join the eighth annual Downstate University at Hogwash Commencement Ceremony already in progress.”

“-free vasectomy are reminded to sign up before the cut-off date.

"Our next announcement is of special interest to our candidates for STEM degrees, that is in the fields of science, technology, engineering, and I forget what the last one is, but we’re pleased to announced that each diploma in these four areas is accompanied with a list of lucrative job offers. On the other hand, diplomas for arts majors come with a sympathy card from Robert DeNiro.

“And our final announcement, we regret to say that our originally scheduled speaker, world-renowned television personality Oompah, will not be able to join us today. As you may know, she has recently retired from public life in order to spend more time with her money. Oompah realizes that you’re all disappointed, not only on missing out on hearing her words but also the opportunity of taking a selfie with her. Perhaps you may be consoled by the news that very shortly you will be in possession of a device that will allow you to take selfies with –well, maybe not with superstars like Oompah, but at least with D-list celebrities.

“In other words, in her great generosity Oompah has sent each and every one of our candidates for graduation a consolation gift! It’s not a “smart” phone per se, but it is guaranteed to have at least a GED. Look under your seats!” [Rustling and shuffling from the crowd.] “You get a semi-smart phone! And you get a semi-smart phone!

“And now, I’d like to introduce our default speaker, who graciously agreed to step in a couple of minutes ago. Not only is he a native of our area, he actually attended DUH for half a semester back in the “Open Enrollment” era. In the years since, he has forged a career in the –public relations field, I guess you’d call it- where he made a name for himself, albeit a name you wouldn’t even hear on HBO. And so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for East Hogwash’s own – Flack Maggot!”

“Thank you, President Mistake, but it’s pronounced May-GOH, by the way. I’m honored to be here today, and just to show you that I mean it , the invoice I send you will reflect a discount on my hourly rates. As a PR manager and publicist, I generally talk to people on a one-to-one basis, but I find it just as easy to speak in front of a big crowd, which this one pretends to be.

“I have absolutely zero fear of public speaking thanks to a little trick my grandma taught me at an early age. (My early age, I mean.) ‘Flack,’ she said, ‘Flack, just look out at all the folks in their seats and imagine them in their underwear.’ I’ve been following her advice all my life, even today. All I see is a sea of tighty white-ies and ladies lingerie. And uh-excuse me Ma’am in the fifth row: the glare from the safety pin on your bra strap is hitting me right in the eye.

“I can live with it, though. It’s worth it in order to get my message out. And that’s the message today for all of you graduates –- what? Oh, sorry!–- candidates for graduation. You know, they say that opportunity only knocks once. Really? What if you’re in the shower or you’re wearing headphones or something? I’m telling you that you’ve got to go out and grab your own opportunity. Grab a towel, run out of the building, knock down the doorman if you have to and drag Opportunity right out of the cab!

“Let me give you an example. Earlier this year, I got wind about a top-secret photo session involving the enormously talented reality TV show superstar, Pam Pomeranian. I didn’t know much about it beforehand, but I did know I wanted to get in on the action. So I called in a couple of favors and found out the location of the photo-shoot.

“I raced to the scene and marched right into the site as if I actually belonged there. I don’t know how I slipped by Security. These big, burly bodyguards were prepared for anything. They were packing heat. You should’ve seen what one guy had hanging off his waistband: a battery-operated 5,000 btu space heater – just in case an icy supermodel happened to walk into the room.

“The photo-shoot consisted of two main shots: one with Pam in a full-length evening gown and the second, uh–without it. In both photos she posed the same way, in order to underscore Pam’s most noteworthy asset. In that revealing second shot, Pam’s prominent caboose drew the viewer’s attention, but something was missing. The art director wanted to shine up the focal point. (Even though there was no point. In fact, it was very round.)

“In order to grease the gears, the crew brought out different kinds of emollients– lotions, creams, olive oil, even lard. None of these showed up on camera, until they finally tried non-stick cooking spray. That did the trick. It was my suggestion, by the way, though I’ve never been given proper credit. The film was in the can, so to speak, the photo went viral, and the rest is internet history.”

“Speaking of the internet: a while back people could not stop posting and tweeting about another photo – the one with the cat. No, not the 12 million kitty videos all over YouTube – I mean the one that caused global arguments whether the cat was going upstairs or downstairs. I was the original poster of that one, too. And in a few moments I will present the debut appearance of a new photo sensation.

“The Campus A-V club has helped me present this intriguing photo. Please direct your eyes to the screen behind the dais. Take a good look, ladies and gentleman and tell me: is this cat brown or is it gray?”

“Brown!”

“Gray!”

“You’re crazy! Any idiot can see that the cat is brown!”

“Gray, you moron!”

“Who are you calling a moron?”

[Shouting, yelling. Scuffling. Thrown chairs. General melee. Police sirens]

“Flack Maggot. You are under arrest for aggravated assault, trespassing, criminal impersonation, fraud, disturbing the peace, and inciting a riot. You have the right to remain si-“

“That’s May-GOH.”

[Click.]

2014 DUH Commencement Address

http://www.online-literature.com/for...35#post1262335


http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/...icle-1.2232322

Hello Auntie,

I am struck by how appealing it is to name a literary character, "Maggot." Many moons ago, when I penned my first unpublished novel, I indulged my rather quirky sense of humour by creating the persona of Jason Delorian Maggot, captain of the Deep Space Mine Clearance Vessel, Proteus. Both ship and crew were on an endless mission to clean up after a lengthy and particularly vicious intergalactic war. Needless to say, humans started it. Captain Maggot was prone to swear a lot and had, in an age of ray guns, a predilection for antique firearms, in particular the .44 magnum so beloved by Dirty Harry. His favourite drink was a highly alcoholic beverage known simply as the "Nitro Express." Unlike your Maggot, Jason did not indulge himself with the luxury of pretension. He was a maggot, plain and simple. Though relatively fearless, he was somewhat intimidated by the life form known as the Not-Dragon. These giant, crystal-scaled, fire-breathing saurians were, to all intents and purposes, dragons, as described in Terran folklore, however, the beasts themselves claimed that they weren't. Consequently they were referred to as Not-Dragons.

But enough from my twisted imagination.lets talk about yours. What a lovely touch, "packing heat" carrying a space-heater. I also really appreciated the reference to De Niro and his message, but that applies not just to the arts, but to any humanities subject. Personally, the humanities should call upon the Eumenides to fight their corner against the tide of corporate utilitarianism and totalitarian politics which seems to be infecting the globe. Whole generations are being denied the opportunity to think rationally and philosophise by an education system which undervalues language and the ability to communicate in favour of the worship of mammon and the recreation of a form of slavery. I nearby call upon all right thinking human beings to rise up and rid themselves of their politicians and CEOs, together with all forms of accountant and middle-management executive. Long live Art! However, I fear Tracey Emin may be destined for the tumbrels...

Live long and prosper - H