IF Women Went Shopping the Way Men Do
Long before the term “politically incorrect” changed humorists into self-censors, George S. Kaufman (1889-1961) wrote a little sketch based on gender stereotypes but was nonetheless funny. “If Men Played Cards As Women Do” inspired yours fooly to speculate upon a reverse scenario. (This was way back in 2006, when the only thing “GPS” meant was “Get Plastered Soon.”) I’d totally forgotten about that particular piece, until last night – when upon moving a pile of newspapers along with a stray cat I’ve never seen before - I discovered a file containing this impudent little playlet which we like to call
IF WOMEN WENT SHOPPING THE WAY MEN DO
by Aunt Shecky
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
(The scene opens with a car parked in front of a house. JENNY is in the driver’s seat, with MEG in the back.)
JENNY (pounding on the horn and yelling) :
Come on! Hurry up, ya sack o’ rotten rutabagas!
(Enter LISA, who is dressed normally except for her face which is totally covered with blue paint. She yanks open the car door and slides into the front passenger’s seat.)
JENNY:
What the hell! You look like a Smurf on steroids!
LISA:
I thought we were stopping by the ballpark later. Got my Game Face on! Whoo!
MEG:
Yeah? You’d better not take your shirt off.
LISA (Turning to MEG) :
You’re a fine one to talk! What’s with all the holes in the front of your tee shirt?
MEG:
Oh, it must’ve ripped when I twisted off the caps of some cold ones.
JENNY:
The two of you sound just like What’s-his-name. (In a deep masculine voice) “ Are you going out in public like that?” (Starts the car.)
LISA:
Where are we going anyway?
JENNY:
The mall.
MEG:
Who’s up for gettin’ mauled? By a hunk a burnin’ love! Whoo!
LISA:
In your dreams, Doorknob Face! Do we have to go to the mall?
JENNY:
I gotta pick up a Father’s Day present.
LISA:
Father’s Day was last week. You’re too late!
JENNY:
Not if you go by the Eastern Orthodox calendar. Bottom line, if I don’t get What’s-his-face a gift from me and the kids, he’ll be pissed. Last year I forgot his birthday and he didn’t speak to me for a week.
LISA:
Lucky you!
MEG:
Yeah, what’s up with these men? My ol’ man keeps wanting me to open up. (Affects a masculine voice, whining): “We never talk!
JENNY:
Jeez, it’s been so long since I been to the mall I forgot how to get there! Should I take I-81 or what?
MEG:
Maybe we should stop and ask somebody for directions.
LISA:
What’re ya -- nuts?
MEG:
Holy Crap! (Waves away the air in the backseat. ) Who let one fly? It’s enough to gag a maggot! (Rolls down the car windows.)
(The scene switches to the Mall, where the gals saunter through, occasionally stopping
for a pick-up roundball game in front of a toy store’s display and to give in to the temptation to pop every bubble in a length of Bubble Wrap left near a trash bin. Then, of course, there’s always time for man-watching) :
LISA:
Jeez! Would you look at the gazunka on that one!
MEG:
Yeah, baby! Is that a stick o’ gum in your pocket or are ya just a little bit glad to see me?
LISA:
(Emitting a wolf-whistle.) Come over here, you tall drink o’ water!
(The trio enters a department store, where they are soon approached by a male sales clerk.)
SALES CLERK:
May I help you, Ladies?
LISA:
Too late. We’re married.
SALES CLERK:
Today we have a huge sale on menswear. Everything is half off. (The three women start giggling.) And we just received a new line of casual wear for kids. Do you have children?
JENNY:
Yeah, three – that I know of. (MEG and LISA laugh ; high fives all around.) Tell you what- I’ll make it easy for ya. Gimme a six-pack of men’s briefs.
SALES CLERK:
Certainly, ma’am. What size?
JENNY:
Huh? I thought size didn’t matter. He looks about the same size as you. What's the difference? He thinks that everything he puts on makes him look fat. Aw, what the hell–ring it up. And can you gift wrap it? (To her companions) Okay, shoppin’s done. It’s Brewsky Time!
LISA:
You buyin’?
JENNY:
I bought last time, ya cheap bastard. Let’s Do it To it!
ALL THREE:
Whoo!
(Exeunt.)
