. . .tuned for weather updates. We’ll bring them to you as soon as they come in, and while you’re waiting, why not crack open a Muckenmire? That’s Muckenmire’s Discount Beer --new spelling, same old ‘taste.’ You’re listening to WDUH, East Hogwash, 109.4 and a half on your FM dial. We take you now to the Rentacenter Civic Center in beautiful downtown East Hogwash for the Seventh Annual Commencement of the upstate campus of Downstate University at Hogwash. University President Porterhouse Mistake the Third is delivering his opening remarks, as we join the ceremony, already in progress. . .
“. . .pologize for any inconvenience on this relatively late date, after two previous postponements. At last the snow banks blocking the Civic Center parking lot seem to have melted, so here we are. For now. Along with the 95 degree temperature and oppressive humidity, there is an additional weather advisory for today, but we’ll try to fit in the ceremony before the tornado makes a direct hit.
“Before we get down to business and confer the diplomas, a few announcements. First I’d like to thank all of you for coming down here today, especially those who traveled great distances to witness the festivities. A special welcome to Mr. And Mrs. Bradley Freen, Senior, who made the arduous trek on an ice floe to see their son graduate after his previous failures. You won’t believe it until you see the actual sheepskin in his hot little hands –- am I right, Mr. And Mrs. Freen?
“A contingent of reporters covering our event has come all the way to East Hogwash by covered wagon. So let’s give a warm welcome to Fox News!
“Now we come to the traditional portion of our ceremony featuring the commencement speaker. I know that all of you anticipated hearing from our beloved county legislator, Glibban Slimey, but unfortunately Mr. Slimey regretfully had to cancel due to a conflict of inter–, er, a scheduling conflict. Today, alas, he’s due in court for his arraignment.
“On a brighter note, an inspiring speaker has graciously offered to fill in at the last minute. So without further ado, let’s give an old-fashioned East Hogwash welcome to the Chairman and CEO of Sprawlmart, Incorporated –- Mr. Lemuel Sprawlton!”
“Thank you, President Mistake. Esteemed faculty, relieved parents, graduates, and last but not least, holders of student loans, I want you to know that all of you are among our valued Sprawlmart customers. Today we recognize the accomplishments of young men – and Sprawlmart doesn’t discriminate against women! Whether as a recipient of your parents’ generosity or a debtor, you paid the price for your education, and very shortly you will have your diploma as proof, just like a receipt from a Sprawlmart check-out line.
“Believe me, graduates, I know first-hand how difficult it is taking the first step on the road of life. Or I would have known, if I hadn’t inherited my father's business. Dad had inherited the Sprawlmart retail empire from his father, my grandfather, Zebediah Sprawlton. Grandpa Sprawlton knew the value of a dollar from the time he opened his flagship store in Trench Mouth, Alabama. He cut the cost of sarsparilla by two cents, underselling his nearest competitor, a Mom and Pop general store. At first Zebediah’s parents were sore that he put them out of business, but they got over it.
“Yes sir, Sprawlmart is all about Family Values. For the eighteenth consecutive year members of the Sprawlton Family top Probe Magazine’s list of America’s wealthiest citizens, including my lovely bride, Norma Rae, followed by my son, my other son, and my no-account brother-in-law.
“At Sprawlmart, we believe in treating our associates like family as well. When holidays roll around, no Sprawlmart associate should go hungry. When Sprawlmart associates solicit food donations for their fellow team members, our policy is not to stand in their way. The employee bulletin board in each and every one of our stores reserves space for info on how to apply for food stamps, Medicaid, and other government hand-outs designed to supplement the already-generous Sprawlmart weekly paycheck.
“Sprawlmart has always been at the forefront of health insurance. For decades we’ve covered the well-being of our associates. Every new hire receives the bonus reward of a free Sprawlmart Health Plan®: a bottle of Sprawlmart Aspirin®, a bag of Sprawlmart Medicated Cough Drops®, and a box of Sprawlmart Adhesive Bandages®.
“We at Sprawlmart are firmly committed to the cause of personal rights, including unfettered free speech. No Sprawlmart associate has ever been terminated for speaking his mind, with the exception of just two words: the f-word (Full-time) and ‘U,’ as in ‘Union.’
“On a larger scale, Sprawlmart continues to be a pioneer in the new Global Economy. We have no equal when it comes to bringing new manufacturing jobs to disadvantaged peoples around the world on nearly every continent except the upper portion of North America. Let me be the first to report the exciting news: Sprawlmart will add Antarctica to the list as soon as we finish training penguins how to operate a sewing machine.
“Speaking of innovation, Sprawlmart is nothing if not Cutting Edge. We’ve always kept our stock up-to-date because of our technical skills in tracking inventory. But now we’ve come up with a way to monitor our merchandise even after the point of consumer purchase. Via a special invisible device woven directly into fabric, we can tell not only when and from which store a pair of underpants has been purchased, but also who is wearing them and where. So now we’ll know before you will where your girlfriend spent last Saturday night. Eat your heart out, NSA!
“And so, Class of 2014, as you ponder career opportunities post-graduation you might consider making Sprawlmart part of your future. (Other than just as a Sprawlmart shopper- that’s what you college kids call a ‘given.’) Sprawlmart might not be your first choice, it might not even be your “safety” choice, but the way things are going this days, it might be your only choice. We have plenty of job openings. If you play your cards right, you might even score fifteen or twenty hours a week!
“You can fill out an application for an entry level position today! Associates from our human resources department are stationed at every exit in the Civic Center. Sprawlmart is a one hundred percent Drug Free workplace, and we do drug-testing – at no additional cost to you. We take the sample during the application process. So right after the ceremony, it might be wise to apply for the job before you hit the rest rooms.”
For the 2013 DUH Commencement Speech, including links to previous commencement ceremonies, click here.
