Please review in the comments below. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
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Dear Mom, Dad & everyone else,
I knew all along in my head this moment would come, I was just never sure when. I’ve written this letter in a time and space that I knew this would happen, but didn’t know the actual date and method. With that, I’m gonna start by apologizing to you and anybody else who had to clean up the mess. The human body is a very resilient creation, and ending human life is hard. Still, if you’re reading this, it means I was finally successful in a powerful endeavour. I just hope you can find beauty in the ugly disaster that I was.
I guess with such success as I think my death will be, it doesn’t come without explanation. I think the first thing I need to say is that no single person is at fault, that they were all dots connected in a line, kinda like by me. A series of events and people that in ways were connected they’d never know. What kills me though is knowing that no one person knows the whole story, can understand my hurt and pain and the many mistakes that I’ve made. People look to me all the time for my success and inspiritation, but I’ve never been able to reciprocate it or understand what they see in me.
It started with high school. I know everyone keeps saying they would do things differently if they could go back in time, and honestly I would. If you find this letter just know the start of my novel about such an idea (going back in time) has been started. Please use this letter as permission to whoever finds it and wants to revise it or continue it or adapt it or heck even finish it. But I def would not have dated all those girls. To Leanne, I’m so sorry I got your hopes up. I hoped one day I and my potential husband could be like crazy uncles that always had your back. I broke a lot of girl’s hearts, but Salina I’m sorry I told people you started counselling after I came out, I just wanted to impress people which unfortunately happened at your expense. Truth be told, a lot was at your expense, and I bullied others as a form of staying close to the top of the social hierarchy.
I just wish I stopped procrastinating in high school (ending that bad habit) and actually pursued what I wanted. Being at the top of the social ladder really hurt when I didn’t have a club meeting and merely wandered the halls because I had no one to sit with.
To my high school friends and notable teachers, Ms. Honsen, Mrs. Greer and Mme. Brule, I’m sorry I let you down. I know you spent the better half of my high school years building me up to something great, which I def was on my way to achieving, but ultimately I let you down. I can say though I always believed in what you had to teach and say, and had I lived past today then I would have tried to live it out. Nonetheless, I thank you all for the fame and fortune I experienced. However, that fame and notoriety was not without the early warning signs of what was to come, ultimately leading to my downfall today. Procrastination would always be a problem.
And alcohol. To Maria, I have to admit that my parents never did kick me out of the house; rather, it just became such a hostile place to live. After researching what child abuse actually meant, I realized my parents were never really abusing me, but they were certainly close to it and I would say they’ve never been good parents. Still, not every human being is good at everything and mom and dad I just want you to know that in death I have found forgiveness towards you. Maria, you took me in at a very turbulent point in my life. I was coming out as gay, trying to succeed in school so I could make something of myself in university and when I turned 19 I started to wonder if alcohol was a problem. Not only did I take a bit of yours, I also took food. I was constantly hungry, and admittedly being a bigger guy eat a little more than you or your family did. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I lied to you, and to anyone really, so that I could selfishly get ahead. At the end of the day Maria, you were the one who shaped the message I speak of when I did motivational speaking – people should aspire to become positive proactive contributing members of society. I just wish I could do this for you.
I wish I had the strength you did to carry on life. I wish I knew what true determination meant when I really wanted to pursue something.
University was enjoyable, but was not without its ups and downs that, now looking back may have ultimately lead me to this downfall. Scholarships and credit cards with good classes and friends gave a sense of grandeur to education that saturated my real troubles. Will, being your roommate was phenomenal. You are a truly amazing person, albeit pretty weird. I’m sorry for all the times I accused you of being gay, to your face or behind your back. I really just want you to be happy, though as your friend I cannot confidently say it is with Alexandria, who is controlling and angry and has little regard for your own happiness. I hope you own that happiness. I apologize Will for the rowdy nights, hangovers and screaming alarm clocks to get me out of bed. But honestly, you slept in all the time, so, give me a break when I want to LOL. To everyone though, I’m sorry I lied about my university experience. I’ve never been good at the sciences, and never took biology. I took random classes here and there that did give me a lot of breadth in learning and study, but nothing really concrete and nothing really in social work. Should have taken more communications and science classes though.
Now, there are two lies here that I need to apologize to you and Wyona for. I want to say I really let you in, but I haven’t, until now. I cannot rest in peace knowing that you don’t know me for who I truly am. I wish I could say the hints were there, but they probably only were in my mind. Both lies I dragged you both into originated from drunken binges. I am neither a rape victim nor schizophrenic.
I am not a rape victim. The idea of rape came when I started crying in class because the prof talked about being raped, and as I didn’t deem it appropriate to cry from her story in class I said I had been a rape victim and it was inspiring how she was able to tell her story so I could “own mine.” This was a lie. The problem with a lie is that you blow it up in one person’s face and it starts to spill to others causing a lot of people to be dragged into it. The tears during the counselling session Will were fake, and I just spoke for the sake of speaking so we could get through the session and forget it. It’s a lie I’ve tried hard to bury, though I think that will only happen with my own burial.
I am not schizophrenic. I can’t honestly say where that drunken idea came from, though I suspect it originates from a need for attention that I’ve always craved as a small child. This lie however was much more toxic in that I dragged our floor mates into it, my parents who had to drive six hours to see me and a doctor who, admittedly, fell for my lie. I can honestly say I’m concerned for the medical community as I lied my way through an illness that was nonexistent. What was terrifyingly real were the two panic attacks in the hospital that literally crushed my body. I could feel it pushing the top of my spine downwards, forcing my head into my lap as I cried in confusion and worry and my breathing became terrifyingly heavy. Nonetheless I have regretted from that day every saying I was mentally ill. During my rounds of days long binge drinking it made an excellent crutch for sympathy and attention, of which I have always craved. Mom, when I told you not to worry because I’m not schizophrenic, I was not lying. Schizophrenia was only an imaginary problem, though an exacerbated one of my drinking problem.
Finally, I want people to really know why I didn’t go back to university. Truth be told, I could not wait to continue studying social work. Alas, I was bullied so heavily like I had been as a kid, and procrastinated so much as a defense to imagined bullying I would endure that I never filled out the renewal for student loan papers, meaning I couldn’t afford to go back to school. Admittedly, I worked hard to get into student government, but when Alex Vanderhaas used bureaucratic politics to harass me out of office because I didn’t agree to his twisted agenda, and had my name slandered and thrown in the mud, I didn’t know how I’d go back. I never really told anyone this, and merely blamed it on not liking my program.
I wish there was one simple way of erasing past lies from myself, like clearing a record.
The credit was a problem though, where alcohol gave me false confidence. Maria, you were right all along. When I opened the account with TD Financial, they did approve me for a credit card that got blown in two months. Food, clothes, life were paid for by plastic. That, combined with student loans not being paid just built up until now they will die with me and hopefully not my family. I’ve still not had the heart to find out if debt is passed onto family, and I certainly hope it will never be, though I never had a co-signer for the credit cards or the student loans so I imagine it’s died on my shoulders. Mom and dad, you were right in knowing that it was constantly creditors calling looking for money, money that I could not and did not want to pay. I’ve never liked the idea of paying bills, and as such was a behaviour that went unchecked.
I knew I was ready to take my life the night I found out the payday loan centre had tried three times to draw cash from my account unsuccessfully, leaving me negative $140 and change in insufficient funds charges. I was going to take them to court for a lot of things they weren’t allowed to do, but ultimately that would never take away the six hundred dollars I borrowed from them in a drunken binge to visit Nathan and spend a couple days with him. That was the one drunken mistake to break the camel’s back.
There are so many people in my life I do not remotely deserve to have even known. Nathan, you have been and always will be the love of my life. I want you to know that even though I was a lesser human being, I loved you unconditionally. You were everything I swore I never wanted, and ultimately you were the person I needed to meet and love. I always thought the greatest job someone could aspire to be was a spouse, and being yours would have been the greatest honor I could ever imagine. In a sick and twisted way, I’m glad that I’m gone so that I will never have to know what it truly means to lose a loved one. I will watch over you in whatever after life there is and help find the man you are truly supposed to spend the rest of your life with. May you and he find endless amounts of love and happiness in your relationship :)
Wynona, you are the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. I always suspected you could see through my lies, and admittedly I would not change the fact that I have no idea either way. You have stuck by me with a smile through the years of our friendship, and I hope others can see in you all the beauty and perfection that I too see in you. You may be quirky, and we may have had our moments but I want you to know you’ve been so terribly special to me.
Sophia, you have been such an inspiration to me, in God and in life. I think you were really the only person in life who ever actually held me accountable for my leadership: both my flaws and strengths. You called on me when you needed, and held me to standards I agreed to. You inspired me to help others the way I always wanted to be helped. For that, I thank you.
Mom and dad, for you I have the least words. I just ask that you open your eyes to the world around you. Question everything, and stop making rash assumptions. Somewhere inside both of you is the capacity for greatness and happiness, and keeping that flame unlit in you will only continue to make you miserable.
I have met so many people in my life and named so few, and for that I apologize. I don’t imagine this letter will ever make it to them, or really anyone to read, but if it does I say this: I am sorry for not openly stating and thanking everyone who has come into my life and explaining what I think your role has been. I will however challenge you to this: every single person I’ve ever come into contact with has had a purpose in my life, and I think in theirs. Challenge yourself and ask: What did I do for [------] ? I hope in some way I was able to help or touch or at least inspire every person I ever met. I love you all.
That’s a lot of stuff that was fake, which I guess then begs the question of what about me was real. I really did love theatre. I kind of liked working with kids, though I legitimately never knew why they liked me so much or what they liked about youth group because I had no way of knowing whether or not I was doing a good job or the right job or not. I did love nature and being bare foot outside, especially in the grass. I loved time alone reading. I loved Nathan more than anything. I love lazy mornings in bed. I love swimming. I loved travelling. I loved God. I loved school and learning. I loved parties. I loved the smell of fresh cut grass, but I hated having to wake up early because of the guys cutting it. I love writing.
I loved the hope that came from waking up in the morning knowing it was a new day. But, a new day means another three rounds of phone calls from creditors.
I guess this leaves me to my last requests. I don’t have a whole lot, so I can’t really dole it out. Mom and dad, you can keep all my stuff. Trash it, donate it to local charity, sell it. I ask that the only item I keep is my engagement ring because my love for Nathan and hope for a legitimate marriage was what felt like the only real thing in my life.
I ask that nobody mourn for me, but rather celebrate the life of mine they knew. I’ve always believed life, and death, were celebrations to be had and this is no different. If you cry, do not do so at the funeral and/or memorial service and/or at any point throughout the week. I hope you only take one minute per day (max) to cry and miss me, then move on with the day. There’s a lot of people out there, including yourself that could use a positive pick me up, and there’s no excuse why every one of you can’t be that pick me up.
Don’t just be the hope the world needs; but rather, the change as well. I had a lot of hope and a lot of dreams, but nothing was ever really changing. If someone reaches out to you, know that it may be a last resort. Above all, remember what they’re going through to reach out to you.
I again apologize for whatever mess my body is. Having come to the end of what’s been a surprisingly long letter, I actually feel comfort in death knowing that whatever waits beyond this life is better than the hell I’m dealing with here at home. Please find solace in knowing that I am at peace. Bury me with my mistakes so they may be turned to fruit of others’ well being.
I have proudly made my entrance, played my part, and now I exeunt.
Love and blessings,
Peace with all of you,
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