The story of Vitmoiir the Dreaded. (Please give feedback).
Alright, I am only 13.
I plan on becoming a writer when I grow older, and I would like some feedback on this short story I made.
It's not quite done but I'd like some advice on what to change and whatnot.
Thanks.
I was raised in a small village, my mother a peasent and my father a gladiator.
I only saw my father twice, once when he was fighting against the king's best guard,
and when he was executed due to being framed of cheating in a match.
My father lost his name, people just called him the Dreaded.
Story's say that my father was a demon, that after yers of fighting and deaths his eyes grew colder, darker,
and sharper. That when he was executed, his eyes we're red.
No one knows how my father got his helmet, but he had it after his 10th match that he won.
The next day, he was dark, quiet, and wore the helmet I do now until the day he died.
He did give me his helmet, we didn't talk. He just handed it to me.
That was two years ago.
Then after my father passed, I became a thief, I stole food, money, anything I needed.
I was then caught, and the king Eritrus, bought my freedom and sold me to slave keepers so I would become a gladiator.
It was confusing what to do at first, and I was only 16 at the time.
But, I was very strong, and could turn anything into a deadly weapon.
After my 6th match, we we're heading to the barracks when I met someone that looked as if they had
a pieace of my helmet. It covered half of his face, it was a black skull. Then he had dark brown wavy hair.
I stopped him, and when he met my eyes he noticed the helmet.
He grabbed me and asked me where I got the helmet from, I explained to him that my father gave me it.
He then explained to me how his father had the same helmet and that his father was also called The Dreaded.
His name was Salem.
We survived many fights, and many days.
5 months passed, and it was in the middle of winter.
I was 17 and he was 23.
A part of the camp was on fire, causing havoc everywhere.
The slave keeper came down and as he was grabbing his things he tripped and the keys dropped.
He didn't notice, and he took off. Me and Salem unlocked ourselfs and gave the keys to the rest of the slaves and prepared ourselfs
We grabbed money, food, and clothing, and light weapons (dagger,small sword)
There was smoke everywhere, and it was in the middle of a snow storm.
We ran for hours, until we hid in a cave, and started a fire
All that we had gotten was bread and a cup.
I told him to cut the bread, as I went to get water.
I filled the cup up with snow and returned and heated it over the fire, so it melted into water.
As we ate what little we had, we discussed what we would do once we got to a town.
I told him that I would spend my money on better clothing.
We both chuckled, but we heard something clacking on the floor of the cave.
As we turned, I grabbed a dry stick near by and used it as a torch.
I saw a big wolf.
Half of it's face was black similar to the mask Salem was wearing.
It then spoke in a deep tone, growling really, but we could make out words.
"The king and his men are outside, and they aren't happy."
The wolf told Salem to get on his back and prepare himself.
Then, infront of me I found a double bladed axe, with a carving on it of a lion,
his mane of fire and not fur.
It looked to be worth thousands, and very old.
It had a name on the side of the handle.
It said, "The Dreaded".
That is when I knew, that that was my father's weapon.
I had a torch in one hand and the axe in another, and my instincts pushed me and I ran.
I ran straight out of the cave, to see hundred's of soldiers with fear written all over their faces.
One of the slave keepers shot an arrow at my leg, I took a step back dodging the arrow.
I then threw my torch at the slave keeper's horse, and charged at the soldiers.
Then Salem on the wolf came driving out, as Salem leaped off the wolfs back onto the king.
As Salem raised his sword and went to strike down, he was shot in the shoulder by an arrow, and set flying back off the king.
The wolf then guarded Salem as men tried to surrond them.
I ran at the king myself as he was getting back on his feet.
As he turned he saw my axe, and his face fell.
I threw the axe, as it swung round and round until it cut the kings head clean off.
The fighting stopped, and everything became silent.
Then, all the soldiers around us bowed to me and Salem,
I then, picked up my axe and raised it and shouted.
One man close to me lifted his head and asked me, "Who are you?"
I shouted to all of them "I am King of Aethrus, I am Vitmoiir the Dreaded!"
---Chapter 2------------
This is just because some people wanted to read more.
I decided that Salem would be my prince, it was werid since I was younger then him but neither of us made a fuss about it.
And we didn't talk how he was wearing a wolf head, sometimes I would pet it to annoy him infront of people.
Word spreaded around the land about how me and Salem took the throne.
We we're called, the dreaded wolf brothers.
I wondered if I would someday get an animal like he did, and every full moon the wolf comes back to visit with us.
It's been a year since that, I still have my axe as well.
Salem ended up getting a gift, it was a spear and all up the wood it was carved with snakes going up it, but instead of a snakes head it was a wolfs head.
I always braged how mine was better, but Salem was a good sport though, he didn't become a grump like most people would.
Although I hadn't known my brother that long, something in the pit of my heart told me that I had.
Everything was running smoothly, except that there was a band of bandits that had been forming to try and overthrow the empire.
There wasn't many, 30 maybe 40. It didn't bother me, but I knew that it would have to be stopped.
After I took the throne, I became a good king. I was fair, smart, and nice.
The empire had turned from a dark gloomy place, to a live vivid place.
Until the bandits attacked.
It was the middle of the summer, and the snow had melted and it turned to large fields of grass and rocks.
It was a hot sticky night, and one of those nights you didn't think would end no matter how many times you tossed and turned on your bed, or how many times you walked or ran around.
It was when I had just closed my eyes, I was so close to drifting off.
And then something overwhelmed me, something told me that there was a bad presence.
I arose from my bed, slowly though.
I always kept my axe by my side, I picked it up from beside my bed.
I got up, threw on a shirt and my armor, light armor for it was still very hot.
As I walked outside, I knew that it was bad.
All I saw was the sun that was slowly rising, and then thats when something jumped out of the bushes.
It was a dark blurr for a second, until I looked down and saw that I had a knife in me.
I looked up, and saw that it was a bandit, his face covered in a dark grey cloth.
His eyes, I couldn't meet them. They we're pitch black, just empty.
That is when I realised there was no pain or blood and that the knife was stuck in my chainmail, but the clothed moved, and it seemed like he was cracking a smile all though his eyes lied, as I finally saw something.
It was fear.
Something that I had never felt, because I knew that if you are the most dangerous, most insane person, that you can't fear anyone, because they all fear you.
I grabbed his wrist before he could pull it away, and snapped it.
Ripping off my chainmail, and pulling out the knife.
I let go, and kicked him as he fell down the melting hot stone cracked stone steps.
He then got up, and he just stood there.
I found it odd that he wasn't running like most people would.
But, it was his mistake because it made no impact on my emotions.
I threw the knife into his thigh, which caused him to bend and hold it in pain.
As he was doing so I jumped at him.
I kicked him in the face bringing it up and slashed him across with my axe.
I didn't kill him, because that would be too far.
I picked him up, as he was in shock he was still alive.
I tied his hands around a post on the small staircase, I then brought out a drink and a blanket.
For I would talk to him tomorrow.
I then took the blood on my axe, and I stared into the darkness knowing that the rest were watching me.
I smeared the blood down my face, making a big x.
Then I blacked out, my vision not becoming black but red.
I knew that I wasn't the same.
But then I awoke in my bed the very next morning feeling as strong and good as ever.
