Last Thoughts Before Death

Last Thoughts Before Death

By Adam Banuan

The waitress smiles and looks at me flirtatiously as she places the plate on my table.
“Afiyet olsun” she says and moves on.

I have no idea what that means but I love it. Recently I’ve grown a dislike to hearing anything English, mainly because I understand the words and hate every possible meaning people try to convey with them. As a lawyer I get fed up with all the useless blabbering on of people about this and that for their pathetic selfish reasons, and currently not being able to hear the thoughts of this miserable species is a relief even if it’s to last only a few days. I am on holiday in Istanbul alone, sitting in a restaurant table about to enjoy a fantastic looking plate of chicken kebab. This is not enough though, I need to get away from humanity for a while, I should go somewhere remote, yes, Turkey is a big country, I bet could find plenty of quite places here. I pick up the cutlery but before I get a chance to enjoy the meal this random looking man comes up to my table and decides to sit himself down next to me.

“Good afternoon sir, you’re a foreigner too right?” He says as though that justifies his presence here. I certainly am not planning to get engaged in this, so trying to remember some Turkish I reply “Bana… Alamalam!”

“Huh! Nice try, it’s ‘ben anlamadim’ what are you having?” He leans over and eyes my plate, and the thought that crosses my mind is that in what culture exactly is this kind of behavior acceptable between two strangers?

“Looks good enough!” he then raises his hand to the waitress and yells “Bayan kadun hizmetchi! Ban onun istiyorum!”

Knowing he’s not going anywhere I figured might as well know a little about this prick.
“You must’ve been here long to speak that fluently. What’s your name?”

“Sam, and no, I’ve only been here three days” He says this and just sits there looking at me in the eye with a creepy looking grin. I am the lawyer and this guy has managed to make me feel nervous.

“Look Sam, if there’s nothing in particular we need to talk about I would very much like to be…”

“Oh that’s no problem mate, I am going to tell you all about the time I almost died, so what’s your name?”

“My name is Mark, look…”

“Mark!” He breaks in again before I can finish. “You know when you approach a life threatening situation like falling from a height, or falling from a height on a rocky shore possibly infested with sharks nearby while simultaneously being choked by some lunatic, how quickly your mind goes through what seems like a thousand thoughts at once however short that time is between its start and your potential death?”

“Uh… yeah it’s a survival mechanism, look Sam…”

“I know isn’t it cool?” He breaks in again.

“What? Dying?”

“No, when you have that but when you survive it. You see when get in this fight or flight mode you enter a state of hyperarousal where your brain uses all its power to figure out how to save your life. Unlike when person is in their normal mental state where too many useless things are going on in the back their mind simultaneously that no one ever bothers paying any conscious attention to them, when you’re in a situation that threatens your existence your brain goes ‘hey, enough BS, we have a very important situation that requires all our available capacity to deal with that means all the daydreamers and lay-abouts are gonna have to get working here’ and that’s where your brain goes on hyper-drive using its maximum potential all while you, depending on intensity of the situation, are consciously aware of everything that goes on outside and inside your own mind.”

“I see. My! That is fascinating. But is there anything I help you with?” I say this slowly while doing my best to give him a look that clearly implies ‘go away.’ Either he’s thick or is ignoring that because he continues as before.

“So I was on holiday once in this mountainous region which had a great view because it borders the sea and if you look down you see the cliff drops about a whole mile or something. So I am walking down this beautiful-ish cliffy place region not in but across the shores of Istanbul and I am thinking ‘Istanbul is right there, if I was good swimmer I could swim all the way to its shore right now. Does the water have any sharks here? I wonder where the great white sharks are, how big are they anyway? I hate that movie Jaws, that shark was clearly plastic, and fish can’t roar, I think I am a good enough swimmer, I could swim all the way to Istanbul, And I am thinking there are plenty of girls there that’ll be impressed.”

“I think I am having traveler’s diarrhea” I said trying to see if it would put him off. It clearly doesn’t.

“Yeah, I hate those. So I am walking and then I hear something and my mind goes ‘what was that?”

“I think it’s gonna be sweaty diarrhea, you know, the ones that are so hard to…”

“Diarrhea is diarrhea. So here is where I noticed a suspiciously creepy noise in the bushes near me, and all my senses got quieted trying to pay full attention to find where the sound came from. I could clearly hear the sounds of insects, the sound of the seawater in the distant waves, seagulls flying above and near the water; all unusually amplified and everything became so clear as though they didn’t even exist there before.”

“You know the sound of diarr…”

“You see” he continues. Talk of defecation clearly has no effect on him. I must try something else. “The brain hears everything anyway it’s just a matter of us being conscious of them or not. Anyway, as I listened for the strange sound I even felt the quiet air passing by gently touching my skin. It felt good, but it also somehow reached inside my nose where conditions were coincidentally ideal for one particular nose hair to start buzzing like crazy. You ever get that? When a nose hair just starts buzzing?”

“I…”

“It’s really impressive if you stop to think about just how coincidental it is for a nose hair to just start buzzing. But in my situation because I was busy in the task of detecting a potential danger in the bushes behind I didn’t stop to think about the mechanics of it and also because it is so damn annoying, almost making you feel as thought that stupid hair is digging its way to your brain. So after shaking my head and attacking my nose like someone possessed by the soul of a flee-ridden cat, I went back to listening. I felt myself dissolve into the world, my mind so quite but the world so busy, as though the world is my mind. I also noticed that before this state the song Candyman was playing in a loop in the back of my mind and I didn’t even know about it, also Michael Jackson was singing it! In a Turkish harem with all these oriental women dancing to it! There’s has been a whole theatre in my own head and I’ve never even been invited! Who cares now anyway, there’s definitely something hiding in the bushes I tell myself, so must focus on that. The bush is being focused on; I hear the insects inside, the leaves slowly touching one another by the gentle push of the wind, and a small shadow moving between the lower branches. My senses sharpen; I feel it, it’s alive, I can almost feel its warm breath. It then suddenly leaps out and runs off to some other bush; a stupid rabbit! Pah!”

My brain at this point is crying ‘oh the annoyance!’ so having had enough I make to leave. “Wonderful story Sammy but unfortunately I have to get going now” I get up to leave and I notice he also stood up and is looking me in the eye with a sudden cold anger.

“Mark, I’m not done yet, please sit down” he says behind his gritting teeth and with his fists clenched. Something about his appearance comes off as so imposing, I feel as though he’s prepared to do anything to get me to sit. Not in the mood to make a scene I give in; I sit.

“Anyway” He says again with his countenance changing back to its previous child-like enthusiasm.

“So at this point I begin to feel normal again and my sharpened senses begin to recede and I can see my mind returning to its normal state and in these few seconds between total awareness and my normal state, I can make out the background sounds and images before they slip back away into my unconscious mind. I see Paris Hilton in a yellow bikini doing a strip tease on a giant watermelon in a Turkish Harem to the sound of Michael Jackson singing Yellow Mellow. Man that’s stupid! Now I’m thinking what in the world is wrong with my brain?”

“Yeah, I hear you buddy” I say stabbing my kebab in boredom, now having lost my appetite.

“I mean I don’t even like Michael or Paris, in fact I think they’re both a waste of space, especially Paris. Although I did have a sudden craving for watermelon; all that hiking can really make a man thirsty. I walk to near the edge of the cliff with the long drop down. My senses pick up the danger in that and it’s almost like I can see the strength of the gravity three feet away. You know when you there’s a really strong wind and it’s almost like you can actually see it moving? Like that, so I take a few steps back. But here I feel a nagging feeling as though I’ve just missed something. What is it? I think back to my own thoughts. I remember I was wondering if I could swim all the way to Istanbul, hehe Istanbul, what a silly name! Iz-tan-bool! Is-Stan a bull? This-is-Satan-brrbulbulbul!” He lets out a loud chuckle that unnecessarily draws the attention of the diners with looks that mean to say ‘watch your mouths’.

“I believe it comes from its former name Constantinople” I whisper quietly but in a serious tone hoping that that will make him shut up about it.

“Even that’s stupid. Anyway so I am still trying to figure out what’s nagging me so much. My mind goes back to the cliff, man what would happen to me if I fell? If I hit the rocks I’ll shattered into pieces.”

“Yes you would” a slight smile crosses my face at that thought.

“If I don’t hit the rocks I might still be shattered by the water. It is a long way down and I saw on myth-busters once that if a person crashes on water from a long distance than it’s as good as hitting concrete ground. I wonder of that guy’s mustache is real; it looks too weird to be real. Anyway I realize it’s not the cliff that’s bothering me. My subconscious thoughts seem to come into view again, I can see Paris Hilton and I’m thinking Goddamit brain! She was wearing a playboy like bunny costume hopping away in tune to Michael Jackson (Dammit again brain) singing ‘run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run! I am preparing a very angry berating for my subconscious for its lack of taste in entertainment when suddenly everything just snaps. I put my hands up to my neck like this, and then realize that everything makes sense now. How could I not see it? I love Paris Hilton!”

“For goodness sake enough!” I yell while trying in vain to calm myself but I feel no matter if I have to wrestle this guy if he keeps going then I’ll have to leave.

“Anyway” he continues as though he didn’t even hear me and is unable to see the disgusted look I’m giving him. “I realized don’t hate her; I actually adore her fun loving character! I know it’s silly but I am irresistibly drawn to that and all this time I’ve been translating my feelings for her as dislike because I couldn’t believe they could be anything else. I can’t believe it took me a horrible moment like this to figure it out.”

“Horrible how?”

“And Michael Jackson, man I can sympathize for that guy, I had forgotten that I once heard Michael had a rough childhood and that his dad was a real nasty bastard who only cared about money and that Michael was denied a normal childhood because of him. I remember how my dad used to get grumpy all the time and I hated that, but I am so thankful he wasn’t anything like Michael’s, I mean at least I had a childhood; man I feel sorry for that guy. That’s how I really feel, I don’t hate them I like them both. And now I know what it was that was nagging me. The rabbit dress and song didn’t have anything to do with Playboy or Paris; it was my mind telling me to literally run.”

By this time I’ve rolled up my sleeve, got up preparing to walk away; ready for anything he’s got in mind. To my surprise he doesn’t try to stop me but goes on, without even looking at me, as if he’s expecting me to stay. I begin walking away.

“The shadow I saw moving in the bushes was larger than that which can be made by a tiny creature like a rabbit, in fact it was a person”

I pause, but without turning around.

“In fact the rabbit was running away from that person in the bushes, that same person that was choking me with a cable wire.”

“What? What?”

“See I realized that epiphany about Michael and Paris while the guy was trying to kill me with the wire, but it took only a second to figure all this out; the very second he put the wire around my neck.”

“What wire? What guy?” I realize that I seemed to have arrived at the table with one long hop from where I was standing, and am now leaning across the table more intimidating than he did; my face now less than two feet from his. The story seems to have gained my full attention.

“Man he had such a strong grip, I could feel myself losing air fast, but luckily I managed to get both my hands in the wire before it got to my throat. After a while that wire failed coz I got a good grip on it so he threw it away and held my throat with his forearm which was so much worse that I figured why would he go with the wire in the first place? But what about Michael, why think about him now?”

“Who cares? What happened?” The waitress brings his meal. He digs in as though he hadn’t eaten for a week. “Oh yes, this is good” he says with his mouth full. “These people really know how to make a good kebab. They ought to; they invented it” Here my excitement starts turning to anger. I watch him impatiently, filling his mouth bite after bite until he finishes.

“So” he says finally wiping his mouth with his sleeve “Michael’s grumpy father somehow connected in my mind with the grumpy mad Turk trying to kill me, and Michael was singing ‘run rabbit’ meaning run from this mad-man that resembles his grumpy dad, or what my mind perceived as a grumpy man in general who only cares about money, which I’m guessing is this guy’s motivation. I started feeling heavy and my face turned purple, I could see it on his watch; a nice watch I thought, but wait no it’s a cheap counterfeit. What a cheapskate, a murderous and big armed cheapskate. My vision began going black, and I thought his arms I think are too hairy but I can’t be sure coz I am having trouble seeing. He attempts to push me to edge of the cliff and doing so his grip momentarily lightens. My sight returns; his arms are hairy, too hairy; man they’re like an ape’s arms. I would say he smelled like an ape too if I knew what apes smell like but I’m guessing disgusting is pretty close. Are you gonna eat that?” he says as he snatches my plate. But this time he eats more calmly so he gets to talk while doing so.

“Lungs again are getting heavy and vision starting to go dark. He’s tapping my hips. What the? He wants to rape me? That hairy stinky animal wants to rape me hell I’d rather die. No wait, he’s checking my pockets. Good, he just wants to rob me and dispose of my body in the cliff below with no other funny business. But then I thought hold on, I’ve seen these hairy arms before, yesterday outside my hotel, I saw him from the corner of my eye when I was counting the money I just exchanged. This guy’s been following me since yesterday, man you got to admire his commitment, I mean I might have never gone to any place that could be this excluded, it just chanced and this guy took that slim chance that I might be a loner who likes to go to an isolated place by himself.”

“And then what? What happened” I said as I shook the table slightly in a threatening manner.

“Listen, so I’m thinking; hold on, there’s something about this guy; a weakness, I know it. He’s holding my neck with one hand now while going through my wallet with the other. DAMN IT I NEED AIR! If I can just separate my hand in between a little it’ll make a gap good enough to allow some air in. AIR! AIR! AIR! I hold his fist with my right hand to the side and slide my left arm in. It worked! I can breathe, breathe, SLOWLY, long breath in long breath out; that’s it! The guy then throws the wallet aside in disappointment having found nothing but a ferry ticket and an empty coffee candy wrapper. I had left the cash back at my hotel. He then uses his other hand which makes my move useless. Nope that’s not the weakness! It’s something else, what is it? Everything going dark again, I’m getting so freaking sick of this! I am cursing his damn arms, man they’re strong. What are they surgically implanted from a yeti? They’re bigger than his legs! Damn these freaks what are they evolving into gorillas? Wait, that’s it! His arms are bigger than his legs; or rather his legs are smaller! My memory of him is becoming clearer now, when I saw him from the corner of my eye he was limping! I raise my leg up and hit him as hard as I can in the knee! He yells, yes it’s working so I do it again. Damn! His leg broke!”

“****!” I shriek. Here I find myself biting my fist.

“Not my fault; that wasn’t not much of a leg anyway. So I though; I feel a little sorry for him now wait, no I don’t, his grip is harder now and he’s screaming something gibberish which I am guessing means he is very unhappy about me breaking his leg and so will endeavor to muster all his strength to snap my neck this very second. So I break his other leg.”

“Ow! You broke both his legs? What did he do?”

“He screams as he does which seems to work for him, this guy is like a middle eastern hulk; I can really feel his arms getting ever bigger, and hairier too I think. My arms are useless now; his grip is too tight, I can feel my neck getting looser as though it’ll give in any moment now. But his legs are broken; can’t I take advantage of that? Nope, he’ll never let go now, unless… there’s only one choice.”

“What?” I say massaging my neck.

“I bent over lifting him and his tiny broken legs up from the ground and headed for the cliff. The cripple shrieked something which taking an educated guess I would say it meant something like ‘are you crazy?’ So we both go over the cliff.”

“What? But that’s suicide!” I shouted in his face. For the first time I see him getting annoyed. He pushes the plate aside. Looking down I realize I seemed to have unintentionally spat in his plate which still had half a meal in it, but seeing as it was mine I feel no remorse about it.

“Not really, see I was out of options except for both of us to go down together in the hope that only one of us dies; preferably him. Kind of like the odds of a nose hair buzzing to the wind, the chances of me surviving that fall were pretty low. This made me appreciate more among many things, the buzzing nose hair phenomenon. True that there was a high probability of me hitting the rocks and also if hitting the water it would be just as bad, but if something happens to hit the water before you, preferably something of your own mass before your own fall than then the disturbed water would break your fall and you would enter the water safely.”

“Oh, so the other guy died?”

“Yep, and was pretty badly dismembered too. But something else happened while we were falling with the bastard still clinging to my throat. The whole time till my decision to jump, my mind was in hyperarousal state, but when while falling that changed into something else. I knew that now it was useless thinking about how to survive because it’s out of my hands now and that there’s a high probability that this is the end for me.”

“So?”

“So my whole life flashed before my eyes; though not literally all of it but the highlights, like someone deleted all the boring scenes. I remember my mom, I regret how I made it so difficult for her, my friends I regret not being there when they needed me, I felt proud of my career, though I’ve never put much thought into before I felt proud I helped some people in my life. It’s like the hyperarousal state was purely biochemical by what came after that, was more spiritual. It was spiritual. My mind was literally weighing my goods and bads. And it was like my actions were my soul, or were the burden of my soul or something like that. Of course when I didn’t die my mind went back to its hyperarousal state for a while again, and I thought how amazing is it that my mind is able to retrieve the memory a person I saw momentarily from the corner of my eye; a memory that I was consciously unaware of. But then I also remembered he wasn’t alone, behind him were two others.”

“Really? What about them?”

“They didn’t show up, at least not with hairy-arms. I suspect they’re a group of merry criminal friends but that they hunt alone. So while I was walking back to the embassy after having swam all the way back to Istanbul”

“You swam all the…”

“Yes” He said abruptly. Here I noticed traces of ocean salt in his hair and neck.

“When did this happen?”

He stands up preparing leave. “A few hours ago, so I’m walking back and while I am next to this restaurant I see the other two guys eying some guy inside. So I thought I’d better warn this guy before I go.” He then points with a spoon in the direction of the restaurant window. “You’ve been warned sir, now if you’ll excuse me I’m very tired and have to leave. I am kind of broke so if you’ll kindly pay for the meal we’ll call it square.”

I sink into my seat. In my shock I cannot find any words to say as he leaves. I look to the restaurant window and see two ragged looking brutish figures are standing there waiting, pretending not to look at me. The thought of being in the presence of English speaking people now seems so welcoming to me all of a sudden.