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Haiku 24
maitre bee swoops down
snips pollen from stamen head
sips frothy nectar
Haiku 5
a day has now passed
death's chilling pall hovers on
rigor mortis spills
Haiku 6
the die is now cast
death's shadow blots two through six
night is day is night
Haiku 8
lubed flesh marinates
ocean spray greases white skin
sunbaked bodies steam
Vivid imagery. These are successful haiku because they follow the haiku form and subject matter.
1) I like the pun "maitre bee", and also "frothy nectar". If you're a bee, carbonated, slightly fermented nectar is probably just the thing for a good buzz.
2) #8 uses "flesh" twice; you may want to change one to something non-repetitive.
3) #5: It's "rigor mortis", just FYI.
Thanks for the suggestions, Calidore. Rigamortis was in the medical dictionary, but it is rarely used, so I changed the spelling to the common form of the word. I agree that using the word "flesh" twice in such a short poem is redundant. I have changed one of the words to skin. Thanks for your helpful suggestions and kind comments.
Thanks for your kind comments, Jassy Melson. Join in, and submit some of your own. I would love to read them.
I have some haiku posted on here, but I can't remember exactly when I posted them.
I will try and look them up, Jassy. Would love to read them.
You might also like this thread, which has been quiet for a while.
http://www.online-literature.com/for...in-in-it-s-fun!
Thanks for the suggestion, Calidore. I will look up the thread.