Never had any luck with tomatoes

"i've never had any luck with tomatoes" whispered the sleepy grunt to his mate sprawled in the next bed. All was calm and peaceful in the barracks that night

The guard at fort david was lightly dozing, letting the dogs do his work in the intoxicating heat of the night
Suddenly the sound of a distant chopper pervaded his dreams and head swimming he awoke
He heard the chopper - this young punk on his first posting. A mass of pent up fear and aggression

In a heartbeat he swore briefly then abandoned his post without hitting the emergency bell
Instead he busted through the door of the barracks screaming like a wild animal, yanking the metal bed frames over, spilling nude soldiers all over the
floor. Up jumps a balls-to-the-wall nutjob yelling about being woken up, and grabbing his rifle ready to fire it naked at the nearest enemy

"There's a chopper coming down beyond the parameter" was the 3:40am wake up call

Fumbling with getting their trousers on the commander kicked his bedroom door open fully dressed in battle gear prompting gasps and chuckles.
He normally left the door ajar when he's listening in on them but they assumed when he shut it he got undressed
He's screaming "to just get their boots on" in the face of anyone still dressing, pulling the safety off his gun

Guys are just pulling on their boots and cutting the laces off with bayonets so they won't be last one out
Commander makes an impromptu inspection of the ranks gathering guys who are ready and leads the squad out, many of them naked
Punk on guard duty he makes second in command. He heard him shouting and got out of bed fully dressed, retrieved his hat and rubbed some moisturiser on his face, necked two paracetamols and a jar of water

The gate was opened and they rushed out to the chopper on the ground half a mile out
Jumping over jagged rocks and inclines hoping there wasn't a whiff of enemy activity tonight going over some ground that hadn't been swept for mines yet.
The guys in the chopper were all running toward us and it looked like a safe landing
We relaxed and some asked the pilot if he was looking for a fish and chip shop? Lunatic laughter echoing in the ears of furry critters snuffling the night air
The night was calm, all the scouts were giving the all clear
The enemy was nowhere to be seen and the commander was on his radio ordering the garrison into the kitchen and get everything ready. Get the tea and biscuits out

It turned out to be a completely harmless outing and the crew could have simply walked right on up and opened the door without having to wake anyone up - this caused great amusement

They all piled back in and locked the gate behind them
Pilot told their tale of getting shot up and flying low at high speed
They let the computer plot the course home then the captain suddenly disengaged autopilot and slowed them down to a crawl
The instruments were not designed for this aircraft and he'd guessed they were damaged when he saw the compass pointing north
He also ignored the oil pressure warning and carried on flying with carefree abandon
Then the Navigator recognised the terrain and they headed to the outlying camp he'd been to before, the swine owed him a piggy back for all the supply drops they'd done.

They had a good party on the base that night and then in the morning the sky captain and a team of volunteers dragged it inside.
In the furrows left behind, a few of the soliders dropped seeds and watered them - the chopper a makeshift plough

This reads like a first draft, sorely in need of editing.

The first half seems somethat structured, though far from a finished work of fiction. Then the narrative abruptly it shifts into the sparest of outlines, like a screenplay treatment on Twitter.

The verb tenses are screwed up mightily; choose one tense (past or present) and stick to it.

The sentences themselves are anti-grammatical. Grab a cup of coffee, because this is going to take a while:

Capitalize -- "I've" "Fort David"

Word order-

Quote:

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He heard the chopper - this young punk on his first posting.

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Quote:

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A mass of pent up fear and aggression

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A sentence fragment and abstraction. (Show, don't tell, the fear and aggression.")

Quote:

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intoxicating heat of the night

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The heat can be sweltering or insufferable, but the mercury really has to burst the thermometer in order to be "intoxicating."

Quote:

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Up jumps a balls-to-the-wall nutjob

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Sounds painful.

Quote:

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spilling nude soldiers all over the floor.

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The Army doesn't issue underwear with the fatigues anymore?

On the other hand, the G.I.s help the officers get dressed:

Quote:

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Fumbling with getting their trousers on the commander

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Quote:

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grabbing his rifle ready to fire it naked at the nearest enemy

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A naked rifle?

The point is make sure your pronouns have antecedents and avoid misplaced modifiers. Why do you occasionally drop articles--"[ the] Pilot"


Why is your protagonist planting tomatoes on a military base? Or in a war zone? (Unless you mean the two-legged, lipstick-wearing kind.)


Read a variety of short stories. For that matter, read every word of well-written English prose. Take a crash course in grammar and punctuation.

I didn't know who was who and you were mixing past and present tense with what seemed like fragmented sentences. Makes it awfully difficult for a reader to follow. Edit then repost.

Thanks for the feedback
Of course I know how to write a properly structured English sentence, but I am experimenting with language at the moment and interested in mixing up tenses and things like that, even mis-spelling words on purpose and breaking rules of grammar. Can the rules be broken and still convey the message?
This is hardly revolutionary when comparing to what goes on in other art forms like painting. But the art of storytelling is something else
Where I fall down I feel is the story isn't told well enough to do it justice, it doesn't contain enough background to make it interesting. It reads like a cheap screen play of an action movie.
But how much can you omit in a short story? Often people tell stories and it's the way they tell it that makes it good. Can that be captured in writing?
My role model is probably Hunter Thompson who had a fluid style of keeping the story going that I like but I guess I'm a minimalist and that doesn't work too well when writing stories because it's too hard to capture the idea in my head on paper and I give up falling back on cheap action shots
The idea of using the furrows of a chopper to plant corn in was a great ending though which I'm happy with. I've obviously got a long way to go before I write anything that's respectable or even enjoyable. I feel outclassed by many commenters on youtube videos

"Often people tell stories and it's the way they tell it that makes it good. Can that be captured in writing?"

Sometimes, but not always. Oral story telling has the added aspects of tone and volume and eye contact, and body language that goes along with it, to provide added meaning. In writing, we all stick together and use the same spelling and grammar rules, and they provide context too. They're unspoken, but are there all the same to provide clarity and meaning. You can omit all the unnecessary details, and use just the right words to convey meaning in as short a form as possible.

It can leave a product that is enjoyable, or horrifying, or sad or happy or whatever, but you can write in such a way that the reader can bring what he or she likes to the story, and fill in the blanks for themselves. That's when the reading is satisfactory. The reader participates in the game.

Be advised, it isn't easy. Clarity of meaning is one thing, conveying associated meanings is another. It's the way you write it, instead of speak it, that
makes it good. And it's always a challenge.

Commenters on You-tube? They write responses, or comments, not stories. I would imagine that's much easier. Keep at it, you'll only get better.