HonestLiar's Work

Here is a story. I hope it is satisfactory.
Thaddeus Biggs walked quickly with a constant look of urgency. With a puffy face and heavy feet, he never went anywhere calmly and was quite quick to leave when the opportunity arose. He never seemed satisfied and appeared to be on the verge of telling you just how wrong you are after you finish a sentence. He never did of course; he was far too schooled in the department of manners to ever conceive of such rude notions. This made him quite fit to be the council’s errand boy.

It was on one of these errands that brought him to the home of Markus Drat. The home was a tall and elegant building with impressive architecture of windows and towers that made it distinctly out of place in the small community. It could be seen from the railroad station as well as the post office. A wrought iron fence surrounded the place. It was built by Henry Drat, Markus’ father, who was almost solely responsible for the creation of the towns industry. The entire town knew this as Markus refused to let them forget.

Mr. Biggs walked briskly past the gate of the fence and up to the looming ornate door. He rapped it thrice in quick secession. It took a minute until Franz Grieves the butler opened the door. Biggs walked in and was led up the fine wooden stairs to the library of the home. Markus was there, smoking a pipe while he poured himself a drink. He was tall and lean. He was in his mid-forties, but he looked older. He was dressed impeccably with a suit of fine silk and a dashing white tie. He looked up, saw Biggs, and said, “Ah! Mr. Biggs! I have been expecting you! I am very glad the council has decided to choose my plan and I wish to convey the utmost gratitude. Drink?”

At this last question, he grabbed an empty glass from his cabinet and held it to Biggs like it was already full. Biggs looked disdainfully at the glass and then at the room itself. Books lined the walls. All sorts of classics were there, from Shakespeare and Cervantes to Homer and the Bible. The dust was all the proof needed to tell that Markus had never opened, so much as read any of the books in his library.

Biggs finally looked back at Markus Drat and stated in a steady and emotionless tone, “Thank you, but I decline. As for the council’s review of your plan” Biggs paused to give extra importance to his next few words, “they have decided to go with the plan of Michael O’Hearty. They hope that you understand that the decision was made with the thought of the future of the town in mind.”

Markus had never looked so white. He was paler then the tie he was wearing. He set down his glass and sucked on his pipe. Finally, after a few confused moments all he could say was, “What?”

“The council has not picked your plan,” Biggs replied with that look of self-importance.

Markus was silent a few more seconds, then exploded, “The council decided that my plan wouldn’t work!? Do they not know that my father built this town and that I carry on his legacy?!”

“The council knows of the good works of your father”

“The council wouldn't even be here. No one would if my father had not built up this town with his money and hard work.”

“The council knows this..”

“And they have the audacity to pick the plan of some drunken Irishman?” Michael O’Hearty had never been drunk in his life, which was more than Markus could say.

Biggs almost smiled as he saw Markus break apart at the seams. He had never liked Markus and was now seeing the Drat get a little payback for his bullying of the town. “Mr. O’Hearty’s plan will help the community improve itself and remove reliance on the railroad.”

Biggs knew that this would get Markus mad. The reliance of the town was a reliance on Markus, and he knew it. How often he wouldn’t pay for his drinks in the local bar and threaten to close the railroad down. Ever since his father had died, he had been sucking the town dry while forcing it to rely on him for money. Half the townspeople had no real money to work with and lived by working for Markus and buying food from Markus. Now the town was finally fighting back. The council was no longer filled with cronies and the farms were starting to have some good years.

Markus twitched. He was literally realizing that his empire had been crumbling for years and that he had sat drunken at the wheel. He saw himself in squalor in less than ten years. Thoughts of vengeful townspeople raced through his head. He didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly, he kicked over his alcohol cabinet and reached for Biggs’ throat. Biggs fell back trying to resist. He had no idea that a man like Markus Drat could resort to violence. He felt hands around his throat and was swinging his fists for everything he was worth. Then, as quickly as he had started, Markus let go and went back to pick up his pipe. The tobacco had fallen on the floor and was getting soaked by the alcohol that had smashed there. Markus pulled some more tobacco out of his coat pocket and relit his pipe.

He turned around and seemed to be completely surprised by Biggs, who was gasping for breath on the floor. Biggs looked up at Markus. Markus smiled, twitched, and said, “Ah! Mr. Biggs! I have been expecting you! I am very glad the council has decided to choose my plan and I wish to convey the utmost gratitude. Drink?”

This is interesting.

It's pretty well written outside of a few things. You drop a lot of info on us. For example, the entire first paragraph and it continues throughout.

I do like the character Thaddeus Biggs though I think he'd be better revealed than introduced if you know what I mean.

Your info dropping slows the action at some points like when Markus attacks Thaddeus. "He had no idea that a man..." takes us out of the action.

I do like it though, your writing has an easy flow and I like the characters and story.

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback. I am new to this site and I am very grateful that sites like this (and people like you) exist.

There are some good ideas buried in here, but it is buried.

"Thaddeus Biggs walked quickly with a constant look of urgency. With a puffy face and heavy feet, he never went anywhere calmly and was quite quick to leave when the opportunity arose"

Two sentences just to tell us someone is always in a hurry? Walked quickly with a constant look of urgency is very redundant - and I admit that I only kept reading because your story is short. But it just continues like this - a paragraph to tell us he is always in a hurry and another paragraph to describe a house in vague terms. I am all for detail, but in such a short story like this, you really have to pick your words carefully - vague descriptions of a house with some impressive architecture does nothing to add to this story.

Now we finally get into the action. Alright - a straight-laced city official of some sorts meets a (maybe?) drunk who has some plan - conflict! But we run into a problem when both your characters (1) sound the same and (2) talk a very high style that comes across as forced when compared with your narration. Even when Markus explodes, the dialogue remains calm and the only indication we have is your horrible decision to include "!?" or "?!" in your story (this is not the way to show someone is frustrated unless you are texting....even then.)

This back and forth happens and we learn very little. We get no insight into Biggs - clearly he is not important.....so why devote the first paragraph to him? And Markus is the whiny son of a prominent man.....but that's all we know. The fourth last sentence starts to build a more interesting picture of Markus, but it is done a very expository/flashback style that doesn't come across as compelling. He also has a mental or memory problem - but by the time this is revealed I have lost all interest.

Again, there are pieces here that just don't come together. You don't have to reveal everything to your reader, but some indication of who these two people are - what there relationship may be - what the real conflict is - these are details that make an interesting story. The one "action" that happens - the attack - should not be the focal point of this story, but everything leads up to it.

Best of luck.

Since this is your first posting on here I'll try to go easy on you.

Is your story 'satisfactory'? Well there's a lot you can do to improve it - but that's doesn't mean it's unsatisfactory. It's a case of seeing what works and what doesn't.

The opening paragraph is often the most important part of a story. It sets up the scene or introduces the main character - but also it sets the tone and allows the reader to decide whether they are going to continue reading or not.

Your opening is weak. It tells us a lot of unimportant things about your MC that can be better shown in the way he behaves,

Thaddeus Biggs walked quickly with a constant look of urgency.
Is this statement a general observation of the way he walks - or are you telling us it's how he's actually walking today when the story is about to begin?
Either way, 'walks quickly' is uninspiring writing. You rely on the adverb 'quickly' because the verb 'walked' doesn't show us very much. But most writers would find a better verb to avoid the need for an adverb. Maybe he 'hurried' or 'dashed' or 'ran' or 'sprinted'. Each gives us a clearer picture than 'walked quickly'. Also 'with a constant look of urgency' is clunky. How to we know he displayed this look? Were his eyes darting from one thing to another? Was he constantly shifting his head? Stooping to avoid being noticed? You have to find a better way of bringing your character to life than just reporting things like this in such a clinical way.
And where do 'puffy face' and 'heavy feet' fit in? Does he always have both? If so, why?

You can reveal his character much more effectively by writing something like:

Thaddeus Biggs was the council's perfect errand boy. He constantly darted from place to place; nervous as a rat, with a shifty look to his eye and a constant desire to be elsewhere.

Not ideal, but perhaps we can now see him in our minds. Rather sly, untrustworthy, always skulking at the edge of things.

The next paragraph describing Markus Drat's home doesn't achieve anything. The story has suddenly stopped in its tracks - as if you have decided it's time to give us a lesson. I'd advise you to delete it because it has no bearing on the plot. In a short story it's your job to keep driving the plot forwards.

Paragraph 3 - we step back into the story for a few seconds when we are told that Thaddeus enters the house. But then you decide to feed in a great deal of superfluous detail. Do we need to know about the gate, fence and door? or how many times he knocked on the door? or how long it took the butler to open the door? or the quality of the stairs? or Markus's physical attributes? or what he's wearing?

Unless they have some bearing on the overall plot - NO. All we are interested in is why Thaddeus has called on Markus. That's presumably what the story is supposed to be about. By all means feed in the occasional detail as the story unravels. But stepping outside the story to give us all this irrelevant information is not the way to keep us reading.

Again, in the following paragraph you show us how Biggs surveys the library and reaches the conclusion that Drat doesn't read the books on display. But what has any of this got to do with the story? Nothing as far as I can see.

As for the dialogue - I don't think anyone in the 21st century speaks this way.
“Thank you, but I decline." ???
Maybe "No thank you." would be a simpler choice.

We then get to the 'argument' which is presumably the pivotal moment in the story. But it's rather flat to say the least. Markus is upset that his plans have not been chosen - but you haven't done enough to allow the readers to engage with either character so why would the reader care about this? It's like reading a newspaper report about two strangers. Once we finish reading we go on to the next article. That's not how stories are supposed to work.

And the twist ending (?) - I assume you are trying to show how Drat loses control then forgets what just happened.
Unfortunately it's a very flimsy plot. You are a capable writer, but your stilted, over-formal style doesn't make for easy reading. The structure and pacing of the plot needs some work, and the characters and story aren't quite strong enough to capture the imagination of most readers I'm afraid.

Keep writing - but read as much as you can to see how other writers manage to bring stories to life.

H

I'll second Hillwalker's astute reply and add a few comments. Dialogue can help drive the story in two ways: (1) gradually drop clues about the plot in subtle ways and (2)reveal what makes the character tick, simply by how the character talks. (Hillwalker's observation that the speech of the two characters is indistinguishable, as well as stilted, is a good one)

If you pick a strong verb in the first place, you don't have to bother with adverbs.

Less "telling," more "showing." For instance, disclosing that the books are covered with dust is all the reader needs to know. We can assume that they haven't been read, or at least lately.