Cycles (Ongoing Work)

So, I had this idea a while back. No clue where it came from, it just sort of appeared in my head. I thought it was a pretty good idea, so I wrote something based off it for an English assignment. I got a perfect score on it, but I didn't really like the story as it went on. I started over from scratch, and here's what I came up with. This is not the full story, just what I have so far. I hope to write more of it and share it as parts are written. It's kinda lengthy, so bear with me.

The hours pass, undaunted…
Time yields for no man. Whether you want it or not, time will continue. Whether you rejoice or suffer, frolic or bleed, live or die, time goes on. The hours pass, undaunted…
Once, our afterlife was peaceful, the souls within leading out peaceful lives without sun or moon to harm them. Towns sprawled out on the plains covered by a blanket of eternal twilight, and all was calm. Those who came here from the last world would find rest and solace here. They could finally be relieved of their suffering.
Even so, peace never lasts forever.
Two souls arrived one day, their voices mute. We called them Silent Ones. These two introduced themselves to the few of us who could hear their strange speech as Dafydd and Gruffydd. These two spread their teachings – Dafydd preaching of order and law while Gruffydd advocated freedom and power – through our lands, causing disturbance as they began to develop devoted followings.
My name is Llywelyn, and I am one of the few who did not believe their teachings. I remained skeptical of them both, even as my friends left me to follow their new leaders. Unig, one of my closest friends, followed Dafydd while my other trusted friend, Cysgod, pledged his allegiance to Gruffydd. I stayed firm in defense of our realm. I did not wish to see so many spirits’ lives changed by things they could not control.
One day, Dafydd gathered his followers in Dusktown, the largest of our villages, and headed east. Most of us, including myself, thought nothing of it. After a long while, however, they returned to the village cheering. As I looked off to the horizon, I saw a golden light rising and spreading through the sky. Dafydd and his followers had created the sun, the symbol of order. Many of us shielded ourselves from the light, but some others were corrupted by it. They followed Dafydd to the southeast, where they founded the kingdom of Sol. Not to be defeated, Gruffydd amassed his own followers and headed to the east as well. After they returned, the sun had set in the west and the moon hung just above the eastern horizon. The moon had been created, the symbol of chaos. They left Dusktown under cover of night with those who were corrupted by the dark, fleeing to the southwest where the moon rose. There they founded the kingdom of Luna.
Those of us who had remained in the old towns were in grave danger. Pure spirits could not stand under the sun or the moon, lest they be corrupted by it. In our desperation, we turned to the sages who had guided us through our afterlives in this land. They told us that we were only safe under cover of twilight, the time before dusk and dawn. Knowing that we could not live by hiding from the day and night forever, I began my search for another Silent One, for they held great power. After many cycles of light and dark, I found a fresh spirit wandering through the forests that surrounded Dusktown. It was there that I discovered that I could hear Silent Ones, as so few could. I brought him back to the village where he sat and meditated, day and night, for ten cycles. Finally, at the brink of twilight’s fall to the night, he stood and walked away. We waited and waited for night to fall, but it did not. The twilight persisted, refusing to allow the night to defeat it. The Silent One had stopped time.
But the hours still pass, undaunted…
Time did not in fact stop. The Silent One had created an entirely new realm out of the whole of the original lands, a realm where a silvery light is cast over everything and all spirits are safe. We soon discovered, however, that many of us could not leave. If we tried to cross over the border between our land that that of the kingdoms, we would be met by a veil of silvery wisps of fog. Only the ones among us who could hear the Silent Ones could see the doorways in the veil. It was then that the Guides were named, the spirits who could lead others through the veil. I was named the first guide. For a time impossible to measure in the ageless twilight realm, I have led spirits to where they might find solace.
I began to lead groups of refugees, some of them corrupted, back and forth through the veil, leading them to safety. I brought those plagued by light to Sol, those infested with darkness to Luna, and those still unmolested back to the twilight realm where they might find solace. I have stumbled upon quite a few Silent Ones in my travels, but all of them fled from the twilight realm into parts unknown. Most likely, they are all dead by now, for exposure to light then dark then light again and on like such is deadly to even the most corrupted spirits. A crushing sense of despair fell over the Twilight realm as time continued on. We would never see those who left again, and we would never be able to leave again.
Nothing matched the despair felt when Silverwood, the town closest to the veil, was destroyed. Regiments of the day and night clashed there after stumbling through a doorway in the veil somehow or another. The day and night were at war, and they would do anything to gain the upper hand. Invasions of our realm became frequent, soldiers razing the villages where refugees made their homes. We had no soldiers with which to fight back. Town after town fell to the regiments, and all hope was lost. The Guides rallied at Dusktown, where the last of us hid, and we marched off to face the invaders. In the aftermath of the battles, scant few of us remained. Those of us who had died gave their spirits to strengthen the veil and allowed their souls to pass into the next world, leaving us forever.
All of us had lost hope long ago, but until then I had trusted in the work of the Silent One so long ago. I had believed that we were safe, and even that was taken from me. When we counted our losses, less than a third of the spirits who made their homes here remained. There were but nine Guides left. All we could do then was hope that our efforts to strengthen our boundaries had succeeded, or Dusktown would fall just as did Silverwood.
I continued to herd refugees as time went on, but each time I returned to Dusktown, I was met with one less Guide. I returned for the eighth time… As I had dreaded, none of the Guides returned to Dusktown. Each of my brethren had been lost. To what, I do not know to this day. What I know is all that I knew then: I was the last one who could defend the twilight realm. No others would stand in the vanguard with me.
Until the knight arrived…

A very promising concept. Although, at this point it's mostly just a concept.

A few thoughts;

I really like the idea of the silent ones, each one representing anarchy and societal law. Unfortunately, that isn't really explored any deeper because this story is more of an outline.

Not much is fully explored, massive events happen in a sentence, which is a shame because I really think you're on to something with this. I'm a fan of epic stories and this certainly fits the bill it just need a few things.

1. Show us how these events go down. Take us there, make it real. Focus on writing 'scenes' for these events and expand the story filling it with detail.

2. Flesh out your characters, make them real. All they are now is a name and a ideology. This is where the story has tremendous potential. Show the friends before the silent ones, and how much they change with this massive event.

I really like the idea, you have something here. Keep it up!

Wow - as a native Welsh speaker I have to question your pronunciation guide at the end of the story. It's a joke and quite disrespectful given how you manage to make such a mess of it. You're from Michigan so presumably you don't speak Welsh - so it begs the question why you took it upon yourself to include this bogus information.
It would have been better if you'd stuck with the story itself.

Dafydd is pronounced - 'Dav' as in Da Vinci - followed by 'ith' as in within
Gruffydd is pronounced - 'Griff' - followed again by 'ith' as in within
Llywelyn cannot be illustrated by the use of standard English phonetics as there is no equivalent to the 'LL' consonant - but if you press your tongue against the roof of your mouth then breathe out through your open mouth you'll get an idea what it sounds like. The rest of the word is pronounced as 'err' (soft r) then 'well-in'
Unig is pronounced - 'in' - followed by 'eeg' (the Welsh word for 'Lonely')
Cysgod is pronounced as - 'cuss' followed by 'god' (the Welsh word for 'Shadow')



As for the story itself - it kicks off badly. How can hours be daunted let alone undaunted? 36 words that serve no purpose except to tell us time passes - not exactly gripping reading so far.

Then we have a sentence about 'our afterlife' that's rather confusing. I think you're trying to create a sensation of mystique - describing a charismatic version of heaven - but it's muddled.

Then we have two mute souls who somehow manage to speak in a 'strange speech' - Welsh presumably. If they can speak out loud how can they be mute??

Structurally the plot isn't working. You give us a generalised statement about time and the afterlife, then mention how 'one day' two new arrivals turn up with contrasting personal attributes, then you introduce yourself and explain how the various souls align themselves with one of these two newcomers. No reason is given - it just happens. Then immediately we're whisked forward to another 'one day' where something else happens.

Writing a story is not just a case of recording random events as they happen. But that's what you're doing here.
The quasi-mythological plot isn't especially interesting either. They create the sun - then the moon. So what??

Then we have sages and 'another Silent One' and ten year cycles. I'm guessing all this makes sense inside your head but the way you present it here it's a total mess. It's not even a story as Grit point out. It's a series of formless ideas strung out like a shopping list.

My advice, read as much as you can so you can see how writers go about writing a story by stitching ideas together - developing their characters and their plot along the way.

Hwyl.

H

To Grit:
Yeah, I see what you mean. I've never actually had a focused writing session for this story, per se, so it's all just writing what came to my head at the time. I suppose next step is to revise it to be more focused and make sure to keep that in mind when I build on it later. I have a bit of a problem with keeping my writing focused because I just write what comes into my head as I go instead of planning things out first.

To hillwalker:

Ouch.
Alright, no, I don't speak Welsh. I'm just going off sources I've found that all seem to agree, and I guess they were wrong. No need to tear me a new one on it, it was an honest mistake.
Second off, it is a work in progress. I know it's an outline. Everything you've read so far was written on the spot. I didn't worry about the structure of it at the time, I just made sure it made sense to me. I was planning on expanding on the writing presented here, not to use this as the actual story. The focus isn't there yet, and I know that. I wanted a critique on the idea rather than the writing, because the writing is a disorganized mess and I know that. This is an ongoing work, like the title of the thread suggests.
As far as the opening sentence, it just came to me and I thought it needed to be there. It's personification as well as a representation of Llywelyn's personality.

Also, I did know about the "ll" sound, I just chose not to include it because it isn't used in standard English.

It's virtually impossible to offer a critique on an outline. How are we meant to know what you're going to do with it or how competent a writer you are to take it further?

The admission that you 'wrote it on the spot' doesn't make me want to spend more time critiquing it than you spent writing it. Can you see how you're inviting a negative response without really trying?

My advice - keep the outline to yourself. Most writers don't waste time planning outlines etc. - they get on with the writing. So write the opening to the chapter and see what other readers think. But even then - writing off the cuff then expecting feedback without some revision beforehand isn't showing your audience mych respect is it? You should always aim to showcase your best possible writing. By telling us it's only a really rough draft you're preparing us to dismiss it right away.

If you think that writing a story is as easy as writing whatever first comes into your head then you have a lot to learn.

H

The concept is really great, and I believe it could catch lots of readers' eyes once fully developed. Maybe you'd like to share with us some more progress later on?