American Kennel Club Guide to Dogs
THE OFFICIAL AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB GUIDE TO DOGS
INTRODUCTION
The American Kennel Club (AKC) is America's leading organization for registering and "showing" dogs. If you want your dog to have "papers", you must get them from the AKC, although some breeders recommend The New York Times (especially the Sunday version) as "more absorbent."
BREEDS
The German Shepherd (Alsatian)
A large, muscular, working dog, the German Shepherd is one of the few breeds which can be trained to goose step. Excellent guard dogs, herding dogs, schutzhunds, and companions, German Shepherds are a playful breed who love to work, learn, and bite people, especially those of Jewish or African descent. This intelligent breed make perfect companions for small children and are superb at guarding the perimeter of concentration camps.
The Saint Bernard.
These noble creatures were bred by Monks in Switzerland. Large, powerful and loyal, the breed was developed in monasteries high in the Alps. As many monastic orders had taken vows of poverty and could not afford to feed the gigantic canines, Saint Bernards were trained to find travelers lost in the snowy, alpine passes and eat them. Afterwards, the enormous, friendly animals reveled in drunken orgies "chugging" the mini-kegs of brandy they habitually carried.
The Beagle
This small, keen nosed hound was bred to chase rabbits. Unique in the canine world because of its pea-sized brain, the beagle is relentless in the chase. Although beagles will chase anything that moves, they can be easily trained to "give tongue" only between the hours of 10:00 PM and 7:00 AM. Once the most popular AKC breed in the U.S., beagles are seen less often today, perhaps because they are too stupid to figure out how to breed.
The Wolf
Not an AKC registered breed, wolves are notable for their kindness, gentleness and intelligence. Although they are vegetarians who have never supported Republican political candidates, canis lupus have nonetheless been systematically hunted and trapped to the point of near-extinction in North America. Often blamed by their political enemies for slaughtering caribou and domestic livestock, in reality wolves prefer tofu, although some enjoy an occasional Caesar Salad.
Wolves live in "packs" comprising four to twelve individuals, led by an "Alpha Pair", distinguished by their ability to recite at least the first letter of the Greek Alphabet. Despite being, on average, 2.3 times more beneficent than Mother Theresa, wolves have been vilified in folklore and mythology and are still considered wicked and dangerous creatures by some people who have never watched TV.
The Pomeranian
Although the AKC considers this "toy" to be a registered breed of dog, there is some biological evidence suggesting that "Poms" are actually well groomed rats. Well- mannered, affectionate companions, Pomeranians enjoy scavenging for garbage and spreading bubonic plague. As well as making superb lap dogs and pets, poms are excellent candidates for vivisection and bizarre laboratory experiments.
The American Staffordshire Terrier
Commonly called "pit bulls" because of their prowess in the fighting pit, these muscular, brave animals were once considered the most dangerous of all dogs (in the days before poodles developed the sophisticated martial art of yap chi). Bred for their fighting skill, strength and courage, this breed is easily trained, but shows little appreciation for poetry or ballet (excepting Kipling). Generally loyal and eager to please, "Staffys" are hard to break of certain annoying habits, like chewing off people's arms and legs.
AN INTRODUCTION TO DOG TRAINING
Most well bred dogs are intelligent, sociable creatures. They are eager to learn and easily taught. Any well behaved dog should recognize and obey the following commands:
"Sit-stay." Test your dog's mastery of this basic command by balancing a piece of cheese or chipped beef on its nose. You may have to repeat the command constantly to prevent the animal from "breaking training" and grabbing for the food.
"Heel". To assure yourself of your dog's grasp of this basic command, walk off a lakeside cliff or "high dive" while repeating the command.
"Roll over". If your dog fails to understand this complex command, have one of your friends demonstrate the proper response. Video tape the demonstration and use the tape to blackmail your friend.
"Squirrel, squirrel". Any well behaved dog should be trained to run around barking its head off at the sound of these words. Alternative phrasing -- "Here's the mailman!"
"Sic". From the phrase "sic sempre tyranus" (thus always with tyrants), this is the favorite command of terriers and members of the famous theatrical Booth family. If your dog is overly friendly, give the command and then pull the dog's upper lip back into a "snarl".
DOGS IN LITERATURE AND FILM
Canine characters from Beth Gelert to Lassie have had a profound impact on literature. Who can forget Bill Sykes' dog unwittingly betraying his master in Oliver Twist? Or the famous hunting scene in Anna Karenina where the narrator takes the point of view of the dog?
Cerebus, after all, guards the gates of Hell, and Aristotle appointed dogs as the guardians of the Just City. The Dog that Bit People was an Airedale, and The Hound of the Baskervilles a Bloodhound.
Perhaps, however, the most inspiring success story for any dog in the arts is that of Huckleberry Hound. Star of his own TV show as well as a guest on other popular programs, Huckleberry proves that one does not have to be human to succeed in show business. The humor of the "situations" in which Huckleberry so often finds himself is balanced by a more serious message. That message: a raw boned hound dog named Huckleberry can be just as funny, just as popular as Boo Boo Bear, if not more so.
DOGS IN POETRY
Hark! Hark! The dogs do bark.
The beggars are coming to town.
Some in rags, some in tags,
And one in a velvet gown.
You'd bark too, if beggars in velvet gowns were after you, so who can blame the dogs. Of course Shakespeare referred to the "Dogs of War", which, according to Elizabethan legend, were actually toy poodles that had never been "groomed". In general, however, poets appear to prefer cats, possibly because these popular but aloof pets remind them of fog.
DOGS IN PAINTING AND SCULPTURE
The argument that the Etruscan "Capitoline wolf" suckling Romulus and Remus was actually a pit bull is familiar to all. And anyone who has visited the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg has seen the post-modern sculpture "tail wagging the dog" that dominates the front entrance and was interpreted by Stalin to be a lampoon of his seven year plan. Everyone who visited the museum between the years of 1934 and 1939 was "contaminated" by seeing this sculpture, and Stalin had them either shot or sent to Siberia or forced them to wear birthday party hats, whichever they preferred. If they were Ukrainians, they were allowed to eat nothing but one cup of "Atta Boy" dog food a day for the next three years, which was meant as a punishment but was actually more nutritive than the normal diet in the Ukraine.
CONCLUSION
Dogs are our friends, unless we are mailmen. Dogs hate mailmen, perhaps because they (the dogs) are unable to read. Dogs prefer talking on the telephone and a French Poodle ***** named Fifi once ran up a $7,000 phone bill to Lyon.
Dogs perform many valuable services for mankind, like sniffing out drugs, hunting, guiding the blind, and finding hamsters which have escaped in apartments on the lower East Side. What they do with the hamsters once they find them I'd rather not say.
Dogs make excellent pets and are considerably cleaner than pigs, although not nearly as intelligent. If you are thinking of getting a pot-bellied pig, perhaps you should get a dog instead. Or maybe you should just check yourself into the nearest mental institution and tell them to "hook me up and turn on the juice."
