Originally Posted by
hillwalker
I realise that this is a translation so you are limited to how much of your own thoughts and ideas you can put in the poem.
First impressions, it's a little repetitive (lots of references to the sky and clouds) and some of the language is perhaps too emotive.
greed so vicious - is greed vicious? or is there a better word that describes how destructive greed can be?
putrid and impenetrable - a little too graphic perhaps when a subtler choice of words would be more effective
It's about how Man has polluted the planet and threatens to destroy the environment, but it's a little too vague. What has caused the sky to turn grey or the earth's body (?) to become blackened? Is it deforestation? Perhaps you need to tell us in a little more detail.
Also one minor point - wet showers ? Have you ever seen dry rain? I thought not. :nonod:
H