Him...

He sent all his things to me
But didn’t come yet
He stole my face’s features
Which I forget on my pillow
And didn’t come yet.

I smell his odor
In the wrinkled linens
In the clothes that I haven’t changed for many days
In the nastiness of my body
In the blood stains on my underwear
In the non-combing ringlets of my hair
In the lost desire for a hot coffee
In the books that fall from my hands
In the tranquilizers
That excite my dullness
In the sleeping pills
That awaken the wild voice of my subconscious
In the Anti-depression
That rubs me from the only pleasure of pain
In the text-messages
That make me alive
And send them to the junk of forgetfulness
In the motherless and only song of Fayrouz
That my mobile keep singing to me
In all his belongings
That besiege me
And I surrender to it
Hoping that he would come
But he won’t come!

He gave me his face as a gift
And left me thrown
lonely on the sofa
Lusting for him
Opening my eyes to perish
But I die
Closing my eyes to perish
But I live!

Oh! come
Why don’t you come?
Come closer to me
For I can’t
I don't dare
I have no right
I have no power
To come to you,Azrael.

Cheer up, caddy. There is always a silver lining to every cloud !!

It's a powerful poem and the style (especially of the longer stanza) effectively echoes the obsessive qualities that so often accompany love or lust. Fixating on the memory of the moment and the aftermath becomes an all-consuming exercise and you portray it well.

I'm not so keen on the opening verse - 'Before him' is jarring, and 'sent all his belongings' makes it sound as if you received a postal delivery. Maybe a rethink is in order for the first two lines since they are the open door into this piece.

I also feel the final verse is superfluous. Verse 3 makes for a much better ending to what is one of your best pieces on here.

PS - I am unable to reply to your PM because your In-box is already full - you need to delete some of your older messages.

H

I love it. I think Hill is right about S3 as the ending. Perhaps the final could be used as the opening as I don't think it is entirely lost. His face's features is just a bit too awkward. This is the second poem of yours that I have read and while the subject matter is different from the first, one can still sense the passion in your writing.

Powerful imagery Caddy!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mazHur

Cheer up, caddy. There is always a silver lining to every cloud !!

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I DON'T THINK SO
Thx for ur posting

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

It's a powerful poem and the style (especially of the longer stanza) effectively echoes the obsessive qualities that so often accompany love or lust. Fixating on the memory of the moment and the aftermath becomes an all-consuming exercise and you portray it well.

I'm not so keen on the opening verse - 'Before him' is jarring, and 'sent all his belongings' makes it sound as if you received a postal delivery. Maybe a rethink is in order for the first two lines since they are the open door into this piece.

I also feel the final verse is superfluous. Verse 3 makes for a much better ending to what is one of your best pieces on here.

PS - I am unable to reply to your PM because your In-box is already full - you need to delete some of your older messages.

H

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it 's a literal translation from Arabic. Most of the time I think the same literal word would convey the same meaning.
Before him is Arabic in English words hhhhhhhhh it means before his arrival
any how I deleted it although it conveys an ironical sense to me.

I don't think it's superfluos
the poem ended by the lust to end one's own life, our right to commit suicide.
At the biginning the speaker is besieged by all the details of death , she's living death and by the end she wants to put an end to that slow suicide but she has no right to do so. It's not that she's living death ; It's that dilemma that locked you in an empty circle. you live death, you lust for death, neverthless you cannot get it.
I really appreciate your comments ; it helps me a lot.
Thank you

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Delta40

I love it. I think Hill is right about S3 as the ending. Perhaps the final could be used as the opening as I don't think it is entirely lost. His face's features is just a bit too awkward. This is the second poem of yours that I have read and while the subject matter is different from the first, one can still sense the passion in your writing.

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Again the face's features is a literal Arabic translation.
what do u call the features of your face , your countenace maybe ?
The last part is somehow tricky . Because at the beginning the reader would think that the addressee is a man ; it's a love poem whereas the addressee is the archangel of death Azrael. This is a poem about the lust for death not for a man.
Anyhow death is nothing but a man .

Thx Delta for your comment

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paulclem

Powerful imagery Caddy!

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Thank you . Glad you like it although I think it's so gloomy.

I love it, and I love Fayrouz. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Twota

I love it, and I love Fayrouz. :D

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Really u know Fayrouz and love her ?
Fayrouz is a piece of heaven on earth.
I always ask myself how it would be life without her songs and voice