To The New Year--

I took into account everyone's criticisms below and did everything I could to give this one a second shot. I hope this one is a lot better than it was before. Hope you like it!
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There’s some new writing on the wall,
Next to the past years’ memorial hall,
Where freaks and geeks are enthralled
By the celebration of what once was appalled.

Oh, it’s a gay old time;
Please, bring on the wine.

There’s my unrequited love mingling over there,
As I sit and deal out a game of solitaire
With my mind elsewhere; does he not care?
But who’s the cute, strange boy curled up in the chair,
With the squirrel face and earnest stare?
Can he empathize, is it something we share?
Best to look down and leave him unaware.

The lesbian couple’s the centerpiece tonight,
Oh how their joy brings a warm delight.
How exotic, how unthinkable, and yet how right.
Has the Zeitgeist refocused his sight?

Oh, it’s a gay old time;
Listen, do you hear the chimes?

The strobe light parallels this chaotic game,
With every millisecond a shifting frame.
Shall we flail around in patches of blue flames,
And blind the hindsight our parents overcame?

Count it down!
Crown the clowns!
Drown the frowns!
Cheers abound!

Oh, it’s a gay old time—
It’s a lively new year—
It’s a brand new paradigm!

It's also filled with truly dreadful rhymes.

H

There are a few issues with this piece which I mention to give ideas for improvement.
S1 - If you'd told us something about the wall the poem would have started interestingly. What did it mean to you? where is/was it? why write on it?
What is a 'perpetuate ball'? 'Tell' in lines 2&3 - I'd change one of them.
To use the word 'zeitgeist' isn't wrong but it's interesting that the word is invariably used to describe the spirit of the age that prevails rather than in the historical context you use it here.
S2 - I like the way your questions bring us to real life but the questions go unanswered and reveal little in terms of emotion. Frustrating.
S3 - I'm afraid is a bit of a mess, the rhymes are poor and forced and the significance/meaning is lost on me, the last line in particular, tho I may be extra dumb as it New Year's Day!
S4 - The rhymes are more interesting and, for me, acceptable, but again meaning and significance is hard to work out.
The couplets you use as refrain between stanzas have an almost sarcastic feel, tho I accept it may not be what you intend. I think it may be due to use of the adjectives 'gay' which of course has connotations these days and 'old' - together they feel very old fashioned.
Ultimately whatever you want to say in this poem is too hidden in the enigma of stanzas 2,3&4.

Agreed with above comments. I do like the characters and atmosphere you portray but they are ruined by poor rhyming and structure. Go free verse and don't be confined by rhyme. That way, you'll discover what it is you're trying to say with your obvious colourful imagination!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Delta40

Agreed with above comments. I do like the characters and atmosphere you portray but they are ruined by poor rhyming and structure. Go free verse and don't be confined by rhyme. That way, you'll discover what it is you're trying to say with your obvious colourful imagination!

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Thank you all for the help! I'm thinking I'll redo it in free-verse to get more comprehensive ideas down and then redo it with rhyme while keeping the same meaning (cuz I think rhyming has a cool effect haha, and I have always preferred structured forms).

Oh, dear.
My suggestion for what it's worth is to study up on rhyming, as well as meter. Also, try to pin down word choices a little more precisely. For instance, you might have been thinking of "perpetual" up in that early line. Also, brush up on grammar and punctuation. You have
"who's" when you mean "whose."

PS Please do not put the word "paradigm" in a poem. Ever. Not even if you're attempting to write a "humorous" poem.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

Oh, dear.
My suggestion for what it's worth is to study up on rhyming, as well as meter. Also, try to pin down word choices a little more precisely. For instance, you might have been thinking of "perpetual" up in that early line. Also, brush up on grammar and punctuation. You have
"who's" when you mean "whose."

PS Please do not put the word "paradigm" in a poem. Ever. Not even if you're attempting to write a "humorous" poem.

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Why not use paradigm? I like that word lol, it can be used in terms of a way of thinking, or a concept held by many people

Is there a ulterior meaning I'm missing?

If you truly believe that lines 3 and 4 in v1 are in any way the best you can do then I fear your 'second shot' missed by a mile.
Horrendous.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

If you truly believe that lines 3 and 4 in v1 are in any way the best you can do then I fear your 'second shot' missed by a mile.
Horrendous.

H

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Why are you still complaining about my first version? Have you nothing to criticize about this one? I want my writing to be pushed, I like to get feedback, I like to get criticism, so I can improve. However, when people say things like this that does nothing but to degrade my work and shoot my confidence without giving me anything constructive to work with, it upsets me. Is there nothing more specific or helpful, and less malevolent, you could say?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tallonrk1

I took into account everyone's criticisms below and did everything I could to give this one a second shot. I hope this one is a lot better than it was before. Hope you like it!
.................................................. ..................................

There’s some new writing on the wall,
Next to the past years’ memorial hall,
Where freaks and geeks are enthralled
By the celebration of what once was appalled.

Why are you still complaining about my first version? Have you nothing to criticize about this one? I want my writing to be pushed, I like to get feedback, I like to get criticism, so I can improve. However, when people say things like this that does nothing but to degrade my work and shoot my confidence without giving me anything constructive to work with, it upsets me. Is there nothing more specific or helpful, and less malevolent, you could say?

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You asked for feedback on your revision - since your original poem is no longer visible it's difficult to see what you have changed. I took this ^^ to be, in your own words, a second shot. If you haven't actually altered a word of the opening verse then maybe you should. The attempt at rhyming undermines any attempt you have made to write coherently.

As for constructive criticism - I'll keep it simple. Try writing something that doesn't use such a repetitive rhyme scheme. It makes it difficult to take your attempts at writing poetry seriously.

I don't recall this couplet before:
Shall we flail around in patches of blue flames,
And blind the hindsight our parents overcame?

If that's supposed to be an improvement then so be it. We'll agree to disagree on what we consider poetry.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AuntShecky

PS Please do not put the word "paradigm" in a poem. Ever. Not even if you're attempting to write a "humorous" poem.

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But paradigm
Is easy to rhyme
Most of the time

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

You asked for feedback on your revision - since your original poem is no longer visible it's difficult to see what you have changed. I took this ^^ to be, in your own words, a second shot. If you haven't actually altered a word of the opening verse then maybe you should. The attempt at rhyming undermines any attempt you have made to write coherently.

As for constructive criticism - I'll keep it simple. Try writing something that doesn't use such a repetitive rhyme scheme. It makes it difficult to take your attempts at writing poetry seriously.

I don't recall this couplet before:
Shall we flail around in patches of blue flames,
And blind the hindsight our parents overcame?

If that's supposed to be an improvement then so be it. We'll agree to disagree on what we consider poetry.

H

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I altered a ton of lines actually. Here's the first version for comparison:

There’s some writing on the wall,
It tells of a perpetuate ball
And tells of tales so tall;
Full of Zeitgeists to recall.

There’s my unrequited love over there,
With his pompous ego and unruly hair.
And who’s the cute, strange boy in the chair,
With the squirrel face and earnest stare?

Oh, it’s a gay old time;
Please, bring on the wine.

The lesbian couple’s in the corner;
Who’s passion is warmer
Than the face of any quarter
In possession of a conformer.

The strobe light is confusing reality,
The mosh pit’s everything but insanity,
Including a multitude of sexualities:
Blinding all punctuated mentalities.

Oh, it’s a gay old time;
Listen, do you hear the chimes?

Count it down!
Call the clowns!
Forget the frowns!
Noise and cheers abound!

Oh, it’s a gay old time—
It’s a lively new year—
It’s a brand new paradigm!


Also, to the rhyming, I think it adds an element of rhythym. To be honest, as long as the ideas are coherent, I believe rhyming is a personal preference. Oh, and thanks for the more helpful comment, as for taking the time to read it at all.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Calidore

But paradigm
Is easy to rhyme
Most of the time

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But it serves a meaningful purpose to the poem. I didn't put it in there just to rhyme