Tree of Life

Cypress tree of life
sprung at the foot of the mountains
surrounds the mudbaked architecture
of desert homes
and cools villagers as hot winds
scatter ashes from date palms,
their prophesies settling
from Ghanal to Yadz
like an ancient underwater canal
where jars of grapes and molasses
are paid as dowry
till babes cry and children dance
among pomegranate trees,
their laughter as sweet as pashmak,

then hearts which face the desert
chant and recite the Avesta
that they might see all things as living
like freshly baked bread
eaten with Kalleh Joosh
before it crumbles like the sand
and so desires are quenched
with Shiraz,
poetry imbibed like Ghalat Gold
till one day they are left on the tower
of silence
to be eaten by vultures
who circle the cypress trees
sprung at the foot of the mountains.

This one is like a pantoum, not that it follows the prescribed structure, but that it seems to begin and end the same way with the notion of a "circle." The local references bring (to this reader at least) an element of exotic interest. I noticed that the entire verse is just one extremely lengthy sentence, paused here and there with commas, before the period indicates the full stop-- may be part of the circular effect?

Also, I wonder if I detected a misplaced modifier:

Quote:

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and cools villagers as hot winds
scatter ashes from date palms,
their prophesies settling
from Ghanal to Yadz

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Who are the ones doing the prophecies-- the date palms or the villagers? check the spelling. I may be wrong, but the
verb prophesy takes an "s" and the noun prophecy a "c."

Thanks Aunty. I spelt it with a 'c' the first time and then changed it. I'll have a look.

The date palms or villagers - well I don't think it matters. It was such a challenge composing this piece and if one needs absolute clarity I'll tell them it is as clear as a sandstorm....!

Out of interest, would you say this poem has an authentic feel to it?

It read like pretentious crap, from the title down. I hope you were going for that x

It's not bad, Delta, but it doesn't sound like your from there, although it does sound like you know some things about it. And maybe you're not trying to sound like a native, I don't know.

Well I'm Australian and took up the challenge of writing about places I could only imagine. Do we stay away from it or not? Is being authentic the be all or end all of poetry or is it only one of many aims?

Probably only one of many. Although they do say to write what you know. But empathy for another's feelings, I think, can lend a universality to our writing. I, too, have written, or attempted to write, about strange lands and people I do not know.

Don't quit, by any means; I'm just not sure this effort is entirely successful-although it does, as AuntShecky noted, come full circle. I always like that effect.

I like that this poem seems borne upon the wings of a real imagination. Poetry is just that, a melding of bold imaginings into fierce realities. What is this authenticity we're always craving anyways? Are we suggesting that imagination cannot be authentic? This poem, I enjoy the way it attaches imaginings to a reality that all cultures can comprehend. For me, that is authentic, and if not, surely inauthenticity can be beautiful then.

The way it closes the circle from Cypress tree to Cypress trees, it's so natural. ANd I adore the use of an imagery infused with the way humanity adapts nature to its own uses. The "delicious" use of native foods, and mudbaked architectures, and underwater canals. In the end this metaphor of life and death as just the cycle from cypress tree to cypress tree, this is what I received...

Maybe. That's your take, and I respect that. It just feels like she knows a few things and slapped them in there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by qimissung

Maybe. That's your take, and I respect that. It just feels like she knows a few things and slapped them in there.

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I get that. Other than put that in my poem, what do you suggest I do?

I don't think I have a specific answer for you, Delta. You are an extremely talented writer. I would personally just put it in the back of my mind for awhile ad let it simmer. When the time is right something will pop out.

I think maybe it's that everything in it seems at too much a remove. Maybe I'm looking for something with more feeling, something that is more personal. I hesitate to use that word, since that's something we've discussed, but you are allowed to write about something that is seemingly not yours (as if you need my permission, lol). After all very few of our works are about just ourselves.

It will come. Give it a bit of time. Put it away for a week and then read it again. You may still like it just as it is, and that's as it should be as you are the author. :)

Thanks qimi. I'll probably throw it into a stew of some sort and use it elsewhere. I was trying to step out of myself because I was sick of the same fingerprint but hey, you can't get away from who you are!

Yeah, I know the feeling. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater when you put it in the stew (just to mix a few metaphors :D).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by islandclimber

I like that this poem seems borne upon the wings of a real imagination. Poetry is just that, a melding of bold imaginings into fierce realities. What is this authenticity we're always craving anyways? Are we suggesting that imagination cannot be authentic? This poem, I enjoy the way it attaches imaginings to a reality that all cultures can comprehend. For me, that is authentic, and if not, surely inauthenticity can be beautiful then.

The way it closes the circle from Cypress tree to Cypress trees, it's so natural. ANd I adore the use of an imagery infused with the way humanity adapts nature to its own uses. The "delicious" use of native foods, and mudbaked architectures, and underwater canals. In the end this metaphor of life and death as just the cycle from cypress tree to cypress tree, this is what I received...

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Thanks Islandclimber. I'm glad you liked it.

I think it takes courage to step out of one's established path. Talent needs many moulds, and your talent may just be trying some new.
Like others, I love the roundness of this poem. As for describing things unexperienced, I believe it is a success when they gracefully envelop the soul/the self message, which you have attempted here.

Health and joy for the New Year, Delta.