Sorry, I didn't catch the name

Who is Who and Which is Which, or

“You know the one I mean, What’s-her-name who was in that movie with Whosiwhatsie”

Last week Saturday Night Live did a parody of the “hardest game show in the world” in which the faux contestants tried to face a nigh-impossible challenge: telling the difference between Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott. Not only do the names sound very similar, these actors look a lot alike!

While the skit was hilarious, it brought up an interesting point. These days the list of Hollywood “stars” and various celebrities is so large that it is really difficult to tell who is who. All this time I thought my lack of knowledge on current pop culture meant I was completely out of touch, but thanks to the SNL writers, evidently I’m not alone in my cluelessness.

For instance, it has taken yours fooly a long, long time to untangle the confusion over the following names from “The Business” and from Media:

Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman – they resemble each other, same first names and same last initial. Whenever I think I’ve spotted one of these guys in a movie that I happen to be watching on TV, I’d never be able to tell you which Bill it is until I see the closing credits.

Ice T and Ice Cube. The former appears on Law and Order SVU --not to be confused with CSI or NCIS or SUV, the kind of vehicle your brother-in-law drives. The latter appears in a bunch of movies with the word “Friday” in the title (but not Friday the 13th.)

Campbell Scott, actor, male.
Campbell Brown, newscaster, female.

Anderson Cooper, newscaster.
Anderson Little, clothing manufacturer.

The next one’s easy. Michael Eric Dyson is a University professor who often appears on cable news talk shows. Neil deGrasse Tyson is a world-class astrophysicist who also appears on cable shows but he discusses scientific subjects. (Don’t know if either one of them watched Degrassi Junior High in their respective younger days.)

It’s those three-name-monikers that mess me up, especially those of actresses. I can tell Mary Stuart Masterson (blond) from Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (brunette) at least as long as neither gal decides to change her hair color. Penelope Ann Miller was a redhead the last time I saw her in a movie (where the hell else would I see her?) I’m fairly certain that I can tell you the difference between Mary-Louise Parker and Sarah Jessica Parker. (Another 3-name gal, Jennifer Jason Leigh, played Mrs. Parker in a movie about the Algonquin round table, but let’s not confuse matters even more.)

Don’t get me started on the Elizabeths. We’ve got Elizabeth Shue, Elizabeth Perkins, Elizabeth Banks, and Elizabeth (not to be confused with Maureen) McGovern. That’s just contemporary actresses! The names of classic movie stars resurrected on cable networks like TCM can send me over the brink: Maureen O’Hara, Maureen Stapleton, Maureen Sullivan, Margaret Sullivan, oh my.

There were lots of Katherines in the old days, lots of Kates today: Kate Winslet, Kate Bosworth, Kate Hudson, Kate Beckinsale, etc. It doesn’t make much difference how the actress spells her name; I know who Cate Blanchett is. That’s because she’s supposed to look like Bob Dylan.

I’m going to have to stop this nonsense now before I give myself a migraine. I don’t want to have a headache when I watch tonight’s episode of SNL. The great Martin Short is going to be the host! (That is, if I haven’t gotten him mixed up with somebody else.)