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****ing with the poem,
while I go a little bit crazier
every time I fall into sleep.
I've seen things in my dreams
that would make other men weep,
repent and redeem.
but that ain't me
I'm wretched and weak,
so I seek relief on the blank sheet
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
I cry but I'll never be heard
Pretty cool. I like your approach to poetry.
This reader agrees with doxy to a limited extent. He likes your approach to poetry. Something about the essence of it, or where you start from, feels right. More right than most his reads on here. And sometimes you shape a phrase or idea that is uncanny and positively inspired.
That said, this reader didn't like the way this poem turned out.
The effect of the rhyme just isn't good. This reader thinks he mostly sees the poet's struggle to rhyme and not the actual poem itself.Quote:
****ing with the poem,
while I go a little bit crazier
every time I fall into sleep.
I've seen things in my dreams
that would make other men weep,
repent and redeem.
In the first part (as divided up by Jack of Hearts, not the author), it seems that narrator is still working with a poem in his head before he goes to sleep. This makes 'him' crazy, but how or why is not described. It's left to implication and that doesn't do the poem any favors.
The last three or four lines (especially the last three) contain that terrible, self conscious rhyme scheme and a degree of posturing. The narrator sees these awful things that only he has the fortitude to handle, because he's really been through it man, and you all haven't-- that's what it reads like. It's unconvincing because none of this horror has been demonstrated in the poem. It's just some random voice essentially saying 'I'm tougher than anyone else!' aka the Chiuahaha Effect.
The other half seems to be set up in opposition to the first. The rhyme is really conspicuous here and probably not giving the effect you wanted. The nature of making the claim 'I'm wretched and I'm weak' is precisely that of the opposing claim in the first half. It's inauthentic. The reader doesn't buy into the emotion it would take to make this claim, either in the first order (the narrative of the poem), or the second order (the actual construction of the poem). Even though we have reason to believe that the narrator is manic/disingenuous, if that factor is what's being played to then it's very bluntly done and yearns for refinement.Quote:
but that ain't me
I'm wretched and weak,
so I seek relief on the blank sheet
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
I cry but I'll never be heard
The last line is awful.
This poem shines in where it comes from, some visceral place, and the fact that it wants to communicate something (and this may be the most important part!). But the clumsy use of language and the lack of intrigue/subtlety are its undoing, in Jack of Hearts' opinion.
J
Writing is not a cleansing effort. Rather it is a refinement of life.
The quote is in bad taste
What quote? And why can't writing be a cleansing effort? And wouldn't cleansing be refining one's life? Did you think about any of this before writing your post?Quote:
Originally Posted by sadhana
I dig what you're saying. It ends up self-involved, and I fail to express the full idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack of Hearts
This is good. The double entendre of "blank sheet" is intriguing.
This appeals to me, like your last one did. You could get rid of the last 2 lines and the piece would improve. The simplicity and bleakness and the confessional style has a resonance for me.
That is a strong statement...Quote:
Originally Posted by E.A Rumfield
What double entendre?Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
"the blank sheet" as a sheet of paper:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mutatis-Mutandis
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
...And "The Blank Sheet" as a bedsheet where ****ing with the poem occurs.
You gave me an idea. Literally copulating with the poem.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
****ing with the poem
a mutual masturbation
I fill her up, with my words
gentle yet stern
and she gives me release
****ing with the poem
when I'm done
I wipe off on the sheet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
No need to be patronizing. Anyways, I still don't buy it. Blank sheet = bed sheet. Okay. So he's "filling" the bed sheet? Maybe if he said staining, I'd agree . . . but how do you fill a bed sheet? I think it works better as a metaphor for masturbation, but maybe that's what you mean (though I wouldn't know, since you seem loath to put more then a few rods in a post).
Edit: it looks like Rumfield didn't catch the double entendre in the first place, either. :D
I meant ****ing with the poem in the slang. Messing, experimenting with.
The blank sheet is a piece of loose leaf I suppose. Leaf another term for paper. If you write enough the ink starts to bleed. I don't know.
That was the initial meaning I took.