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Would appreciate feedback!
It’s odd I think of my bubble-blowing days
as I scratch these callused fingers on week old scruff,
still looking for my superhero cup
to sip my coffee from.
And looking at the peach rise behind the hills,
I can only wonder who spilled the cranberry juice
on the clouds.
But the longer I sit here in my sandbox
I realize Johnny Boy isn’t bringing his Tonkas,
and Marianne calls from the porch
for Jonathan to pack his lunch for work.
A nice potential here, Kreb, a sense of disquietude is felt notwithstanding the peaches. Welcome here! I like your debut!
I like your style!
A yearning for childhood?... those bubble blowing days... nice phrase.
The second stanza, with the sun as a peach should not have worked, but did for me.
Johnny Boy becoming plain old Jonathan, off to work, closes it nicely. I really enjoyed reading it. Well done.
I think this great. Very unique imageries and narrative, it's picturesque and also paints a more jaded mental picture.
You have a lot of talents, looking forward to reading more of your work.
An innocent way of cherishing the past. You've employed some singular images too. If not for Jerrybaldy's explanation, I'd not have got the 'peach' reference.
Good ink. Keep posting here. :)
A peach of a poem indeed.
H
Bumping this. Because it has stuck in my mind.
Haha thanks! I am really glad people like it!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy
This was good to read, especially:
Quote:
And looking at the peach rise behind the hills,
I can only wonder who spilled the cranberry juice
on the clouds.
J