The Silence of Uproar

The story was originally posted on Wattpad: http://www.wattpad.com/story/1388554...ence-of-uproar
But I decided to try other websites too, hope you enjoy :)


Prologue:

Not only was it cold in the dark room, but it was also quiet. The only sound was the tinnitus caused by the front door being slammed, leaving our protagonist alone in the apartment.

This was far from the first fight that had taken place in the house; In fact there had been a dozen during the past few weeks. To some the room might look quite like a battlefield, portraits were torn from the walls and furniture had been thrown across the room. Generally not a nice place to be

A proper introduction would probably be at its place, so let’s go all the way back to the 5th of November, 1989. It was on this day Matthew was born. This has no further relevance for the story.


Chapter 1: Fear

As Matthew sat there alone on the floor his head started spinning. “Had he made the right choices, was all this really what he wanted and how did his relationship end up in the state it was currently in?” The tension between him and Sasha could easily be described as a nice drawing slowly catching fire, eating up the details bit by bit.

He looked around to see the wake of destruction their last fight had caused, things had been said and things had been done that they both regretted for years to come, but what has happened cannot be changed, this instance was no exception. Matthew thought about Sasha, “She’s probably on her way to Emily’s house” he thought. Emily was Sasha’s best friend; in fact they had been so for the last 10 years. Matthew didn’t like her though; there was just something about her that kept triggering a hidden anger inside him. Actually he didn’t like any of her friends, but that’s another side of the story.

For some reason he still loved Sasha though. Everything about her, from her breathtaking smile to her captivating eyes. He was uncertain how the fights had started in the first place, and the only way of clarifying it he saw fit was to ask her in person. This was not a good idea, he was partly drunk and Emily lived cross-country. But like many other things, soberness and long distances didn't stop him from making thoughts into action.

He rushed down the stairs, almost falling over a pair of old shoes; it was her shoes, Sasha's shoes. An old pair of converse shoes, Matthew didn't know why they still hadn't thrown out the pair, but they had.

When he found her way into the garage he was greeted by the smell of gasoline and that wonderful smell of new car. If there was one thing Matthew held dear, then it was his car. Every day he spent a few hours in the garage tending his car. It was a Porsche Boxster with 260 Horse Powers.

It was perfectly maintained due to the amount of times he spent on it every day when he got home from work. In fact it looked as if it was brand new, down to every detail.

He locked the door to the house and got into his car, It was when he was sitting in the car he felt like he was in his ace. As the carport opened he inhaled the fresh air, despite the apartment being cold it was a wonderful weather outside. As the car sped down the street he greeted the passing friends and acquaintances with a slight nod,

He'd been looking forward to a trip like this for a long time, just him and his car speeding down the motorway.

It would take a few hours before he'd reach his final destination, or at least so he thought. He was nearing the 60mph and it all happened a bit too fast. His phone started buzzing and he looked down to see who it was, it was Jeff (Jeff was his best friend. Or at least so he told Sasha, in reality Jeff and Matthew weren't as close anymore, back in the day they were impossible to take apart, but now, now they barely saw each other anymore.)

When he looked back up he froze, a deer was on his way across the road and if he didn't react quick he'd drive it over. Out of pure instinct he pulled the car to the right in a sharp turn meaning he was now in the middle of the road, the oncoming cars speeding by him on one side and cars from his direction on the other. He wanted to get back in the right lane so he made a mindless turn to the left but collided into a pickup truck as it was driving by. This caused him to be thrown onto the oncoming lane, putting not only him but also the other drivers in danger too.

Honking horns and screeching wheels was all you could hear. Matthew was filled with adrenaline, not only was this out of the ordinary but it was also quite intense, one mistake and several lives could be lost. "There's only one solution for this" He thought, well-aware of the pain he would cause to himself he grabbed onto the steering wheel and drove off the road with a tight turn, causing the car to tumble over. To make things worse the motorway was situated right next to a slope leading into a forest. The taste of blood grew strong in his mouth and the repeating bursts of pain he'd receive every time the car landed didn't make the situation better. The car kept rolling down the slope and there was nothing there to stop it. Matthew got thrown around inside the car with a great force, resulting in several broken bones. He could taste his own blood and out of the corner of his eye he could see the tree that would eventually be his demise, with this speed it would almost definitely be fatal. As the end drew closer Matthew closed his eyes for what could be the last time..

The end of chapter 1.

I am still working on the story, but I would love some feedback :)

-Patrick Nielsen

Bump, would like some feedback

It was alright but there were several instances of grammatical type things being incorrect. You might want to watch out for repeating phrases like "in fact" as well because they can become a little tedious. It needs work but it's definitely a start.

Grammar is a problem. I read this sentence: "For some reason he still loved Sasha though." and it makes it sound as if you don't care. It's sloppy in a way. The writer should ALWAYS have a reason whether the reader knows it or not. Even if it's a gold nugget your saving, you could construct this attempt at emotional suspense a little better.

This bit is redundant: "He rushed down the stairs, almost falling over a pair of old shoes; it was her shoes, Sasha's shoes. An old pair of converse shoes,"

you could of said: "He rushed down the stairs, almost falling over a pair of old sneakers; it was her shoes, Sasha's old converse shoes," So it doesn't sound so repetitive.

Grammar: If there was one thing Matthew held dear, then it was his car.
New> If there was one thing Matthew held dear; it was his car!
Grammar: He locked the door to the house and got into his car, It was when he was sitting in the car he felt like he was in his ace.
New> He locked the door to the house, and got into his car, it was then he felt like he was in his ace. (You have too much wordiness)

Grammar again: When he looked back up he froze, a deer was on his way across the road and if he didn't react quick he'd drive it over.
New> When he looked back he froze in sheer terror, for the ghostly reflection of his own death gleamed in the eyes of the fast approaching deer. Motionless as if it were made of stone, he quickly reacts....blah blah blah.

There is more wrong with this story such as "telling" and you directly address the reader.