Saviour of the Mind. (Unfinished but would like opinions))

Every year millions of people go missing. Some are found alive, others are victims. Some want to be found, some want to be missing and others just seem to disappear into thin air. I was the latter. I was a daughter, a sister and a girlfriend. Back then I had people who loved me, but if things had been different, if I hadn't been there. They would of been just fine. Of that I am sure of... but on Sunday the 5th of Febuary 2012 I was taken from that life and thrust into a completely different one. In this life, it wasn't how strong you were or how big your muscles were. In fact our greatest weapon in this life, was not a sword or a gun but our memories, connecting us to who we had been. Keeping us safe inside our own heads.

***

The last thing I remember before I was taken was walking home from the store. I was supposed to buy chocolate for my mum but at the last minute I realised I didn't have enough money. I didn't think anything of it when the white van pulled up next too me. I was walking next to a busy road with houses on the otherside of me. They moved so fast I had no time to react as they pulled a small white cloth over my nose and mouth, I was swept into darkness by the smell of mint. The van hid us from view, so no witnesses, I wasn't where I was supposed to be, so the police wouldn't have known where to look. My parents wouldn't even realise something was wrong until I didn't return two hours later. I had left no trail. I'd just simply disappeared.

***

When I woke up I was in a small concrete room. Now, call me crazy, you have every right too, but in no way did I feel like the first to be locked up there. There was nothing in it but a quiet mumbling sound that if you listened hard enough turned out to be "Raqua loves my general. Raquas general loves me. I will die for my general. I will kill for my general." Even in my groggy state I had enough brains to figure out that this was a brainwashing system. A few days just listening to this in a room with nothing else to focus on would certainly mess with your head, esspecially if people started calling you what ever name was mentioned when you got out. I laid back, the room just barely had enough space for me to stretch out, and closed my eyes. In primary I had been a great lover of books and had become highly adept at ignoring things around me so I could focus. I conjured up memories in my head, of my mother and my father and my brothers and disappeared from that room. I couldn't tell you how long I'd been in that room for, with no reason to move and a knowledge that if I woke up I might lose who I was I stayed swallowed in my memories until a the unmistakable squeak of door hinges made my eyes fly open. I sat up and was shocked to find that I wasn't stiff like I expected but was exhausted. Like I'd just run a marathon. I looked up at the man standing in front of me expecting the worst.
"Whats your promise, Raqua?" Panic exploded in my chest but I had to react quickly. My mind blanked but I felt my mouth open instinctively.
"I love my general. My general loves me. I will die for my general. I will kill for my general." The man nodded and beckoned me to follow him. I did so without hesitation, but in my head for the entire time I fashioned a new promise.
My name is Teranika. I will escape the general.

***

Nothing?

Wow that was great I enjoyed reading it hope you write more

Thank you :)

Still looking for opinions

There seems to be something missing....I think it is any form of investment. Your story deals with high stakes (kidnapping, some sinister cult-like-thing....) but these high stakes don't came across in your writing. So there is a disconnect between what you are trying to evoke in your readers, and what your writing conveys.

The expository para at the beginning does nothing for the story; it breaks the illusion of fiction if anything, and throws your reader off before you have even started.

The rest pf the story is just too trite and lacking in any original/detailed description to affect the reader. Also, the retrospective, confessional style narrative isn't appropriate for the kind of mood you want to capture. Try writing the story again in the present tense and really go into detail about being dragged into the van, the voices you hear, the motion, the struggle; try to convey the terror of the experience.

The story is told in a past tense because she is telling it to a global audience which is revealed in the epilogue. Teranika has barely any memory of her initial capture and she goes into a meditative state during the brainwashing attempt. This is actually just a prologue, in Teranikas mind it is not how she got there that's important but what comes after. Also you mentioned you don't feel the emotions she feels? Shes not actually scared more intensely alert which I haven't gotten to describing yet. Also I mustn't have done a good job of explaining. She has no chance to fight back when she's taken and afterwards can't fight back for risk of exposing the fact she's still herself. I guess I should've written more before putting this up, having already got the story in my head I didn't realize how this would read to everyone else.

If this is just a prologue, and if you are saying that it is not even important, that should be your first clue to lose it.

Prologues are for the most part useless. Everything you have written here could be better embedded into the story itself. Otherwise, this becomes a waste of time for your readers, and if this is the first thing they read - they will not continue.

Thank you

I think it good writing.

Thanks Wolf