just wanted to know...

You see, you can just close the door behind you.
I know you will not think, with the steps going away
that I'd be inside...digging my toes in the ground
while you move towards something, anything,
away from the door you close.
You know the sky will still follow you, for it cannot end
behind your ankle
the road will not waver beneath
and someone will amuse you enough outside
you will forget you have closed a room
with me in it
with me sitting in the middle of it
where you are willing to leave me now,
I just wanted to know...
do you want to close it?

In this one, Gal, I preferred the first part, till approximately L10, later on you insist a bit too much (in my humble opinion) on the one who might be left behind the door. How about the suggestion below (just a direction, one I would take were it my poem, so feel free to disregard, for the poem is yours and I'm unavoidably subjective...

You can just close the door behind you.
With the steps going away (you will pretend to ignore)
that I (am) digging my toes in the ground
You (will) move towards something, anything,
away from the door you (have) close(d).
The sky will still follow you, for it cannot end
behind your ankle
the road will not waver beneath
and someone will amuse you enough outside,
(but, do you really want to close the door?)





I love discovering your poetry!

Bar

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bar22do

In this one, Gal, I preferred the first part, till approximately L10, later on you insist a bit too much (in my humble opinion) on the one who might be left behind the door. How about the suggestion below (just a direction, one I would take were it my poem, so feel free to disregard, for the poem is yours and I'm unavoidably subjective...

You can just close the door behind you.
With the steps going away (you will pretend to ignore)
that I (am) digging my toes in the ground
You (will) move towards something, anything,
away from the door you (have) close(d).
The sky will still follow you, for it cannot end
behind your ankle
the road will not waver beneath
and someone will amuse you enough outside,
(but, do you really want to close the door?)





I love discovering your poetry!


Bar

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I like it how you put it ...
you are right about the insistence part...
on my part, there were 2 reasons...one ...I wanted to ensure the sense of "anticipation" the person suffers being behind the door thus the frequent use of "will"... he/she is unsure, and, that uncertainty contains misery...
secondly... these are the lyrics for a song... and there the obvious has to be a little more pronounced sometimes...

I thank you with all my heart for the way you involve yourself... and you astonish me with your sense of what should be and how...
Thank you... :)

It definitely is your realism but at the same time may very well touch other's minds :):D:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Devilio

It definitely is your realism but at the same time may very well touch other's minds :):D:D

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that's really an honour, for anybody...
I thank you...
:)