Two Haikus

In December Scenes
Unmolested snow glows pure
But night comes so soon

Oh the splendid grass
The only thing between me
and all of my dreams

Bump a WolfLarsen thread on every forum and then go in for a bit of haiku action? Nice.








J

The second one is solid, nice and simple and haiku. But the first one just does not jar with me - particuarly the word "unmolested" it just feels wrong, like an orphaned word.

I really like them both.

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Originally Posted by Alexander III

The second one is solid, nice and simple and haiku. But the first one just does not jar with me - particuarly the word "unmolested" it just feels wrong, like an orphaned word.

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Untouched or unfettered or pristine (though a bit cliche) would be better for how the haiku sounds, but the poem is meant to feel wrong because it is about the downfall of innocence.

The lucid simplicity of both haikus is admirable.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bewlay Brother

Untouched or unfettered or pristine (though a bit cliche) would be better for how the haiku sounds, but the poem is meant to feel wrong because it is about the downfall of innocence.

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No I think you misinterpreted me, I like the first one, but the second one I think just doesnt work, as a poem. It may be about the downfall of innocence, which is a great theme, but just because the concept is good dosnt mean the execution is. As a concept it is solid, as a peom it is bad- it just doesnt work.

I find the second very beautiful! best to you, bar