Inspirational Poem

Hi, this is a poem I wrote that is inspired by one of Emily Dickinson's poems. I'm kinda anxious to post it which I know is extremely ironic lol.

Laugh Loud to Heaven that which Scares You!

Laugh Loud that which scares and you’ll be stronger.
See-See tis but a paper moon and you’ll less afraid.
Sing-Sing “may be a dream” and you’ll no longer
Be daunted on this planet of the apes.

Think Then the tide of time that is etern’ty
And what milliseconds are but this troubled wake of life.
Feel Firm the size of starlight and of gal’xies
And to speckles will become our troubles and our strifes.

“Ring-Ring!” the voice of death now calls upon you
Ling’Ring’s now but earthly cares and fears.
Pray-Pray to the heavens that abound you
And that inner God will guide your everywhere!

-Lawrence Lai

I am sorry if I am harsh, but it just feels too cliche, like a copy paste of countless other poems. Technicaly is is sound, but it just lacks any soul, any originality , in my opinion.

Well the whole idea of things being cliche and not cliche as thrown out there by lots of critics has somewhat inspired me to write a new poem. I'm sure many won't like it either, but it's just the way I feel.

Cliché

Sadness?? That’s Cliché.
Please find a new emotion to express.

Beauty?? That’s been done before.
Painting that surely will not impress.

Truth?? How many times has that already been expounded on?
Find something original and new!

1+1=3?? Now there’s an answer tried by few!

Lawrence Lai

I don't mind the cliche so much as the rhyming. I think the two coupled together beg for music and you've got yourself a joyous song from somewhere in the sixties where everyone is clapping their hands and singing in time enjoying themselves rather than a poem, which in itself is a compliment.

Keep posting on Lit-Net because every is always welcome.

delete

duplicate post

It's certainly commendable that you are reading Emily's poems, but I'm afraid that this particular posting bears little resemblance to her work, both in technique and in spirit.

For instance, you may or may not have been trying to imitate her style and failed, but more likely I suspect that you were consciously trying to write "poetically" or to crank out lines that you think sounded poetic based on what you've read from works written in previous centuries. That may account for the pretentious, awkward first line, perhaps better expressed as: "Laugh loudly at what scares you and you'll be stronger."

The most glaring error is the fractured meter and end rhyme. Although you are correct in your assumption that an apostrophe signifies that a letter has been omitted, simply doing that does not necessarily improve the scansion. For instance, "etern'ty" as you have it would have to be pronounced "eternty," which sounds silly. Same with "gal'xies"-- "galxies"? Unpronounceable. The end rhymes aren't all that inventive and not really strong enough to prop up the seemingly profound statement you might have intended. There are certain criteria required for "slant" rhymes, which do not seem to appear in this piece. Because the meter doesn't appear to be a valid example of iambic pentameter, it's not really blank verse, but by definition, that form is always unrhymed.

Another bad habit to get into is what poetry critics call "wrenching," torturing a line of verse like trying to dismember Procrustes in order to fit him in that notorious bed. As in the case of the inexplicable apostrophes, wrenching almost never adds to the consistency of the meter and end rhyme, and more often than not produces awkward gibberish. Unlike other languages, English only has four cardinal rules and one of them is word order. Though poetic license may free a writer to break that rule, more often than not the result sounds a lot like "Yoda speech":
"to speckles will become our troubles and our strifes." Turn it around to conventional syntax and it makes even less sense: "Our troubles and our strifes will become to speckles."

In addition to word order, another rule of English is punctuation and capitalization. Occasionally a writer may 'tweak" the rule and attempt capitalizing a word to give it comic weight, but again, the upper case letters on "Loud," "Then," and "Firm" seem desultory.

Check the grammar in your last line . There is a possessive pronoun "your" where the straight pronoun "you" will suffice.

Finally, there's no rule against clichés in colloquial speech, but they're anathema in fiction and poetry.

My advice to you, for what it's worth, is to read more modern and contemporary verse and see how poetic forms, diction, and I daresay sensibilities have changed over the centuries. Make sure you know about the various poetic techniques and how to use them. Try to develop a unique vision and voice.

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Originally Posted by lawrencelaica

Well the whole idea of things being cliche and not cliche as thrown out there by lots of critics has somewhat inspired me to write a new poem. I'm sure many won't like it either, but it's just the way I feel.

Cliché

Sadness?? That’s Cliché.
Please find a new emotion to express.

Beauty?? That’s been done before.
Painting that surely will not impress.

Truth?? How many times has that already been expounded on?
Find something original and new!

1+1=3?? Now there’s an answer tried by few!

Lawrence Lai

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"Sadness," "Beauty" and "Truth" are not clichés but they are abstractions.
Avoid abstractions in favor of specific images, the more detailed the better.
Remember what W.C. Williams said, "There are no ideas except in things."



For more of this gibberish, take a look at the following link if you have the inclination and the time:
http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=35382

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Originally Posted by Delta40

Keep posting on Lit-Net because every is always welcome.

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Thanks :) It's nice to know people encourage things they don't like too.

When I said it was inspired by one of Emily Dickinson's poems I didn't imply that I was going to try to make it look or sound like her writing. She merely wrote a poem about situations that would make people feel stronger and I wanted to as well.

I don't think I was trying to write "poetically." I know why it looks that way - because many poets have touched on the same things I have in this poem, but I still genuinely believe every line of the poem I wrote to be truth. I'm not just saying those things to create a poem. I GENUINELY feel those things.

As for all this stuff about meter and end rhyme, I really just write in order to express what I think or feel. As long as I feel what I've done has satisfied those ends, I'm pretty happy. I have enough rules and restrictions to deal with in real life, so I'm not about to force myself to live up to arbitrary rules in an area where I don't have to. As for the weird apostrophes, wordings, capitalizations, etc, again, I write the way I like.

I think "anathema" is quite a disgusting word to use. I don't think I'm killing anyone doing what I do.

I think you missed the meaning in my second poem.

At the end of the day, people are free to write using "the rules" and not using them. And the audience are free to choose which one they want to read.

Again I'm more interested in conveying ideas (even ones already touched on) than following those rules.

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Originally Posted by lawrencelaica

I don't think I was trying to write "poetically." I know why it looks that way

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because it's written in a very false way. No one has spoken (or even written this way) in the last +100 years. It's so poetically arch it's impossible to imagine anyone goes around with such thoughts inside their head - see-see, sing-sing, ring-ring??? - and the pointless contractions of eternity and galaxies. If that's not trying to appear poetic I don't know what else is.

H

Okay, I think there has definitely been some confusion here, especially on my part. I guess I saw this forum as being more "for fun" and that people could just upload their poems and whoever liked it liked it and whoever didn't didnt. But now going through the forum I'm seeing it as a place specifically for advice/feedback/criticism/scrutiny, which is fine because some people want that, I just wasn't aware it was so tailored towards that. So when I was getting so much criticism it came off as somewhat rude, but now that I see that that's what the forum is for rather than to just share, I see things in a different light.

So yeah, to AuntShecky, I'm sorry if my response came off as defensive, it's just that I wasn't posting specifically for so much criticism, I just wanted to share. But I know from your perspective you probably assume that everyone wants that type of feedback. I do think you gave a lot of really good advice and you definitely were doing the right thing from that perspective.

Now that I know what this forum is more geared towards, I'll definitely use it when I want help with a poem that I want to satisfy those traditional rules.

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Originally Posted by lawrencelaica

So yeah, to AuntShecky, I'm sorry if my response came off as defensive, it's just that I wasn't posting specifically for so much criticism, I just wanted to share. But I know from your perspective you probably assume that everyone wants that type of feedback. I do think you gave a lot of really good advice and you definitely were doing the right thing from that perspective.

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I am so sorry about the misunderstanding! There is way, way too much confusion and lack of communication in the world for yours truly to be adding to it!

If you have a second, please take a look at the third thread down in the Personal Poetry forum, a "Sticky" note entitled "Please read before posting poems." Within those guidelines it says:

If you are going to post your own poems here, please remember that you are opening yourself up to the criticism and opinions of others which might not agree with your own.

If you just want us to read your posting without offering comment, please say so at the top of the listing.