Unexpected Gifts of Love - all opinions welcome

This assignment is a personal narrative and CAN be fictional. It is 1200 words minimum and I'm at 1678, I need to cut off at least 150-200 words. Please help! Any opinions/criticism welcome! This is my last essay for this course and I need to get an A on it!

Thank You in Advance! :banana: now im off to sleep.... :sleep:

Unexpected Gifts of Love

At thirty-one years of age I was living the “American Dream.” I had a successful career as a Nurse Practitioner, a loving husband, and a wonderful family that I adored. Suddenly, a turn of events caused the good things in my life to come crashing down on me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. After months of trying to have a baby and endless pregnancy tests that were negative we anxiously went to see my doctor to find out what was wrong. It was then that my husband Steven and I were informed that we would not be able to conceive a child together due to his azoospermia. “How could my heart feel so warm and so cold at the same time?” I cried. As we tried our best to cope with this distressing news, I received a call that would change my life forever. To my surprise, my negative circumstances would soon be transformed into a positive opportunity that would give Steven and I a chance to give a child a loving home and raise him as if he was our own son.

I vividly remember the ride home from that doctor’s appointment, the meeting that brought my worst nightmare to reality. Thoughts racing, I was filled with questions that no one could answer. “How could Steven have azoospermia? He was only thirty-five years old?” I wondered. Nonetheless, we tried countless other doctors, “Maybe the first one made a mistake?” I hoped. It was no use; they all said the same thing, that we couldn’t conceive a baby together.

Steven had created a successful, thriving personal training business and most could say he had a great life. After finding out about his dysfunction, I could see the emptiness and despair in his eyes, it was almost as if someone had died, but what had been lost was the chance to someday have a son or daughter of his own. I recalled the talks we had early on in our marriage; he looked forward to having a family and was so excited about it. Now, as we neared our 6th year of marriage, “Maybe we had waited too long?” I wondered aimlessly. It always felt bittersweet to watch other families play with and care for their children. While I still admired the beauty of the mother-baby bond, it was a constant reminder of what I couldn’t have and I was forced to admit this heart wrenching truth. Steven and I depended on each other for emotional support and slowly told our close friends about our misfortune.

My best friend Diane was a rock for me during this time. She was always there to calm me down and talk to me about how I was feeling. We had met back in college during our freshman year at Rutgers University and had been close friends ever since. Diane was in her mid-thirties, had light blonde hair, glassy blue eyes, and a smile that was genuine and caring. After graduating from Rutgers she met a man that later would be the father of her baby. Sadly, the moment he found out about her pregnancy, he lost interest and didn’t want anything to do with the baby. For the past few years, Steven and I helped Diane with the baby and watched him when she needed to work. Julio, who was now five years old, showed no signs of being fatherless because he was always smiling, well behaved, and kind to other children. Diane would let us watch Julio and spend time with him, Steven and I cherished these times because we yearned for a son of our own. Steven’s eyes would sparkle when Julio declared, “I wanna play Speev!”

Diane came from a military family, her grandfather, father, and all of her brothers served proudly in the U.S. Army. It was very important for her to follow in the footsteps of her family and that was why she had decided to enlist in the U.S. Army at the end of her freshman year in college. She worked as a recruiter for the Army during her years in college and although she was on active duty, she had never been sent overseas. Although, Diane and I certainly did not have the same fascination with the military, we shared a connection that made us as close as loving sisters.
During the presidential administration of George Bush Jr. it quickly became evident that the United States military was about to embark on a 2nd war in the Persian Gulf. I watched in trepidation as our President declared, “The United States will need the support of all military soldiers and many will be needed to help us win the war.” “Did this mean Diane could be sent away?” I stammered nervously.

Every two weeks Diane and I would have “sushi night” at our favorite place, Kicky’s. She always ordered the “naruto” and I the “what a roll.” We would talk our troubles away as we devoured the scrumptious sushi and sipped on fruity cocktails. We always had a great time, but this time was different. I could hear the nervousness in her voice, “Cindy I have to tell you something, I’m leaving for Iraq in a few weeks…” she admitted. “What!” I said, “For how long?” I asked anxiously. “I don’t know” she muttered. I couldn’t believe she was leaving; she was the only friend I had that understood my emptiness and could fill it with her undying friendship. Diane’s light hearted personality and warmth was an escape for me, without her, my world would not feel as bright. I’ll never forget the strain I felt in my arms as I helped her lift her heavy bags into the taxi that was headed for the airport en route to Iraq. If only I had known then, what I know now.

I would often lay awake in bed, thoughts swirling around in my mind, “Was she going to be safe? When would I see her again?” I cried. My sadness turned into anger as I questioned the rationale of Diane’s decision to leave her only child. Julio was the one thing I yearned for most in this world. “How could she be so selfish to leave Julio without his mother? Did she not realize the sadness and confusion that Julio would feel?” I pondered searching for answers. Outside of Diane’s father Alek, her entire family had moved across the country to California a few years ago. Diane had decided to leave Julio with her father, I remember the goodbye, “Honey I’ll be back real soon okay, I love you” she whispered as she kissed him on the forehead whilst holding back her tears. Alek, in his seventies, was a warm hearted war veteran, but the years had taken a toll on his body and he had trouble walking or standing for any length of time.

Consequently, Julio was not very happy staying there; Alek could never take him to the park or play catch outside. Steven and I became even more involved in Julio’s life as we tried to take the place of a family that lived so far away. We would take him with us to dinner or to see his favorite cartoon movie, I could see how much happier he was and it warmed my heart. Even though my husband and I were very much in love, we often bared the burden of each other’s pain. Spending so much time with Julio brought my husband and I closer together, it was almost like he was our own son.

Every now and then, Diane and I would call each other via Skype, the closest way of seeing each other face to face. With a ten hour time difference it wasn’t always easy to call each other at the right moment. The ringing of my laptop would wake me at night as a big smile covered my face when I realized it was Skype, I missed her so much! I gleamed with happiness to see her smiling face and hear about her risky adventures in the desert of Iraq.

One night, as I was fast asleep, a faint sound woke me as it got louder with every second that passed. It was 3 A.M. “Only Diane Skypes me this late” I wondered as I quickly realized that the ringing was not coming from my laptop, it was my home phone. “Hello” I answered. “Hello, am I speaking with Mrs. Cindy Fischkin?” he asked sternly. “Yes, who is this?” I questioned. “Major General Brigham. Ma’am this isn’t easy to say but Diane Opalinski was killed in an explosion today. I need to inform you that her will has given you custody of Julio Opalinski. I am so sorry for your loss.” Tears rolling down my cheeks, my hand trembled and the phone slipped out smashing on the ground. The loud crash woke Steven up as he rushed out of the room, “Why are you up? What’s going on honey?” he asked desperately. “She’s gone….gone…” I sobbed. “Why did this happen!” I shouted as I lost complete control of my body and fell in his arms.

I slept for days and I refused to eat, I hoped that when I awoke it would all just be a bad dream, I was wrong. Diane was gone and she was never coming back. Although, I was devastated with a broken heart, I thought of Julio, “He needs us to take care of him, he needs a family” I decided. Steven and I turned our guest room into Julio’s “Airplane wonderland” and he loved it! We did our best to explain what had happened to Diane, but I knew he was too young to truly understand. I had physically lost my best friend, but I soon realized that I hadn’t lost her for good, her gentle caring spirit continued living on in Julio. Every time I look into his glistening blue eyes, I see her and the gift of love she left me.

This narrative is going to be judged as a writing exercise so it's as much about style as content. Whether it's true or fictional (I'm guessing the latter)isn't particularly relevant because we're not here to offer sympathy or congratulations, just to take a look at what you have written.

So a few points come to mind:

You seem in a rush to get to the main thrust of the story. That's understandable given the constraints of your word-count but I thought the third sentence beginning 'Suddenly...' creates rather too abrupt a shift of focus. I know you're looking to cut this down in size but having gone to the trouble of giving us such a detailed intro you need to spin things out a little longer so that the change has more impact. Alternatively look at a diferent starting point - perhaps we're already in the car with Cindy driving home from the clinic after receiving the news...

Reading further it seems you're trying too hard to show the contrast between the good life and your unfulfilled dreams. Phrases like 'come crashing down' are a little over-emotive whatever the circumstances. And the intimate medical details surrounding your failure to conceive seemed intrusive - this (male) reader almost wanting to turn away to preserve your privacy. It read to me more like some kind of 'true-life story' you'd find in a 'Woman's Magazine' - strictly a no-male zone.

Similarly, the events 'that would change my life forever' (cue slushy music) seem to happen almost immediately. The time frame has been so condensed that we're on a roller-coaster where none of the ups or downs have time to register. It's like everything is happening at fast forward.

But then after the phone call we're plunged into some internalised-dialogue dimension where you explore your thoughts following the bad news - again 'my worst nightmare' is a very hackneyed phrase. Is it truly anyone's worst nightmare??
Then there's some trivial biographical detail about Steven's career that has no real bearing on the issue. To be fair you do a good job of describing his anguish - guilt even (that might be worth exploring further) but since you have already given away the ending I'm wondering what we gain by revisiting earlier parts of the plot again. On this basis I'm not sure this section works that well. It's rather fraught - especially as we know that all this suffering will soon be forgotten. Can you see why it's a little confusing?

There's a lot more sub-plot to get through which adds to the conflict of emotions. We know this is all presumably going to turn out ok so why put us through so much grief. I guess the answer is to go back and rejig the opening. Keep the reader in the dark for as long as possible.

If you're looking to trim this further there's a lot you can cut - Diane being ('a rock for me during this time' - another cliche! and you don't show how she was so supportive) for instance. And do we need her physical description and cv? I doubt it. You could probably make more of the irony that she has a child with no father in sight - such a contrast to your own predicament.

Then there's suddenly a new plot shift - you take forever telling us Diane has enlisted in the Army. I don't think we need to know her reasoning behind all this or the political background. Even if you hadn't told us about the adoption we can probably see where this is heading.

“Did this mean Diane could be sent away?” I stammered nervously. - of course it did. I'm just wondering who you stammered this to... and can one stammer confidently??

To be fair, the sequence where you describe your last few weeks together works well (apart from the unsubtle authorial intrusion 'If only I had known then, what I know now.'). Most readers will already know - allow them time to bask in the glory of being so intuitive.

Again 'it was almost like he was our own son.' is laying things on a little thick but we'll allow you a little foreshadowing.

More cuts - do we need to know how Skype works and the time difference? Absolutely not.

Then the telephone call that changed your lives - I had to look twice to see if I'd misread it. The Army ringing with the news that Diane was killed (was Cindy even her next of kin?) - but never mind, at least you can have her child because it says so here in her will.
I don't know if that's how things happen in America but it seems a little hasty and not very official. This is the weak point in the story - it's a little too neat and too good to be true. You might be able to cut down on the irrelevant bits highlighted earlier and spend more time working out a more credible route towards the same ending. Months of court appearances and social service investigations making everything worthwhile in the end. Diane getting her wish... that Cindy and Steve have a child of their own.

Good luck with this,

H

Hillwalker,
Yeah I think I will change it to keep readers in the dark for as long as possible but that is quite hard for me. To be frank, I have never created a personal narrative of this length so far in my college years. Although, I have always been a great English student compared to my peers, I've always known how much BETTER I can get so I truly appreciate you taking the time to read, most importantly to give feedback.

I know I have to have a clear thesis but how do I keep the ending hidden and give a clear thesis? Also, I am worried if I don't go into detail about Steven's dysfunction, it would make the story more mysterious and my professor says there should be NO mystery in this paper. As you have read my paper, could you please take a look at my assignment and let me know if I am on track at all?

How can I develop my characters If I don't talk about how they look, detail about their jobs or careers, and convey how they feel during dialogue? I am new at this kind of writing so I really need more practice.

It says the following:

Description of Assignment: Narrative writing involves the production of stories or personal essays. It encourages writers to use their creativity and powers of observation to develop stories that can capture a reader's imagination. It recounts a personal or fictional experience or tells a story based on a real or imagined event.

The Personal Narrative, also known as the Reflective Essay, is a piece of writing describing an event of personal significance to the writer. Personal Narratives go beyond merely describing your personal observations and perceptions to examine abstract ideas – love, patience, courage, honor. Your examinations of and reflections on your personal experience should lead you to a new understanding of your beliefs about life, about what it means to be human.

There is very little mystery to writing the personal narrative essay. There is no proper topic for such an essay. An essay can be about a variety of personal experiences. You, the writer, have the right to say what you want about your personal experience. You can write about anything -- Aunt Sally, the funky necklace you bought at a garage sale, the harrowing experience of being stuck in an elevator, the best Christmas you ever had, the worst day of your life. No topic or subject is off limits; therefore there are endless opportunities to write an essay about your personal, point-of view of what happened. When writing, rewriting and good editing coalesce, a personal narrative essay becomes a beautiful thing. It shows how the past or a memory’s significance affects the present or even the future.

NOTE: Your essay needs to be at least 1200 words in length.

You can write this essay in first person (I, me, we, our); however, DO NOT use second person (you, your) at any time in your writings in this unit or in any of the other units unless it is in dialogue or a direct quote.

The first important thing to remember about a narrative essay is that it tells a story.

The second important thing about a narrative essay is that the story should have a point. In the final paragraph, the author should come to an important conclusion about the experience that has just been described.

After reading your assignment as you have been presented it, the first thing I have to say is that your professor isn’t saying you’re not allowed to have some mystery in the story. He/she is merely saying that there is very little mystery in the act of writing such an essay. It’s a straightforward exercise.

Secondly, I can see why Steven’s medical condition is important plot-wise – and why you feel the need to describe your characters in order to show their character developing. I accept Steven’s infertility is an issue and you can go into as much detail as you feel necessary. But this is about Cindy’s development – no one else’s. Diane’s history up to the point where she goes to Iraq is irrelevant except for the fact that she has a son by someone who is no longer around. The rest of the lead-up to Diane joining the Army is filler – this is supposed to be a personal narrative. Who is that person? Cindy. Bear that in mind and you’ll figure out how to pitch it best.

There’s a lot of Cindy’s character development you can explore… how she handles her husband’s infertility (and his guilt or disappointment), how she adapts to the possibility of a childless life, does she love Steven enough to stick with him no matter what, how she feels about Diane’s situation (there’s bound to be some envy there), her concerns when Diane chooses to go overseas (is that the behaviour of a loving, responsible mother?), and the fallout following her death. The reader needs to live through Cindy’s life experience and it’s only your skill as a writer that will allow them to do so.

The happy ending surely doesn’t need to be revealed until after Diane’s death – it’s almost an answer to Cindy’s prayer, yet one she would never have wished for in such circumstances. All this is more important than the fact that Diane’s grandfather is a veteran or that Steven has a thriving personal training business.

The conclusion in that last paragraph is I guess that it's unhealthy feeling envious of those who have what we wish to have - or perhaps that self-pity is inappropriate when we have blessings to count.

Hope you find my comments helpful in steering you in the right direction

H

It's easy to see where it's going once you're about a third of the way in. When it mentions Diane is in the army, you know what has to happen. It escalates up to it. We find out that Stephen can't produce children, we find out that Diane is going to Iraq, we find out that there's no immediate family to care for Julio. We know how it must end. Enter the horror aspect- most of the story is just the reader waiting for Diane to die so someone else can have her child.

... and that's a weird feeling.

But if you listen to the ol'hillwalker you'll be alright.








J

Hill, as per usual, gave some excellent advice.

The one thing I would echo/add is to narrow your focus so you have a tighter piece.

The story as I see it is about Cindy and Steve - they are our heroes and they are the ones we are cheering for. She is devastated and bitter and he feels guilty and lost: these are two aspects which I think you could take the time to explore. We end up learning a lot more about Diane than we need to (as has been mentioned.) That she is a single parent with a son is important and that she goes overseas is important, but the focus should be on Cindy.

I don't think there is too much of a problem revealing at the start that Cindy gets the child in the end. I think this presents an interesting opportunity to play around with the idea. During Diane's absence, Cindy and Steve have pretty much adopted Julio - so the question becomes "does Cindy really want Diane to come back?" This is a question that, if explored further, lends to an interesting read where the point of the story is not that she gets Julio in the end but rather her feelings about the matter.