On a round sky and a round earth
In the long weeds and profound worth
Of brown moles and sound mirth
Of indifference and defined hearts
You sing in one breath,
I believe your song.
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On a round sky and a round earth
In the long weeds and profound worth
Of brown moles and sound mirth
Of indifference and defined hearts
You sing in one breath,
I believe your song.
Roar!
Splendid!
I like it, yet i personally feel like it focused to heavily on rhyming, where i 'd wish it would be a little more simple.
True depth in poems is realized through simpleness, rather than complexity.
The simpler, the deeper.
To be specific:
I liked:
"You sing in one breath,
I believe your song. "
I hated:
"Of brown moles and sound mirth"
The rest was okay.
The end carries the power of lack of structure, lack of obedience, while the start feels like forced form.
Thank you... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Sancho
I agree to most of what you have to say... especially "the simpler, the deeper" part...Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamarq
the "lack" of obedience and structure is something I engage in, for a feel of freedom ...
however, I would like the phrase "forced form" to be explained as "form" interests me more than anything else...
Thank you... :)