He Who Saw the Deep

Hi,

This is my latest poem and as you noticed it's in a very Blank Verse style in which I tried to imitate T.S Eliot in that respect, but of course with Amylianian and "Achilles-like" touch...(: I hope you enjoy this work as much as I did...!! Feedbacks are appreciated...!!!

"He Who Saw the Deep"
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian

Listen to my story and wonder,
To the man who saw the deep,
Who roved The Land of Prosperity,
Swam in the Murky Muddy Lake,
Whose house was raked,
And life deeply at stake.

Everyday, I wake up in hope
That I would cherish the morning breeze,
That I would inhale the odor of fresh and fair air,
But all I see in front of me vanished into thin air,
It steeply descended into the mercy of the insidious plot,
Overcast with sectarian rage.

Everyday, from a distance I see Ereshkigal,
The Lady of Great Earth, spreading her wings,
Mocking us, daring to look from above down below,
Her tears flow, her sister hanged behind the throne,
Dying so godlessly slow.
While you and I are staring in awe,
Speculating, “Will this cease to be?”

It is not too late to witness
Laughter turns to weeping,
Love to hate,
The beautiful to ugly,
The good to evil.

Just look around the presumptuous Bulls of Hell,
Whose breath is the Irkalla, Look at them
Devouring the pastures and you shall know.

Indeed! Joy, too, has turned into suffering.
I wonder if we were put on this earth just to suffer
And cry…?

No...!!

Shall we be a name for pity?

Every heart vibrates to that unbreakable
Iron string of sham kindness,
And only if we to break this string,
The Defilement of Dilmun would occur not.

Look, and if you still believe
That a miracle would happen
To free you from this atrocious scenery,
You are wrong.

Alas, Miracles have been stolen and there are none to be found anymore.

High and clear I shoot my voice at the deadly, calm waves.
To the spiral of bane that passes through these lanes and streets,
“Are you not tired of this?”

-

Regards,
Ali Makki aka Amylian

I don't know how much you enjoyed this so I can't compare! :smile5:, but I did. I just think it would benefit from a tweak or three... Like, for example, you have too many capital letters (I'd drop the capitals at L's beginning, and another few inside them)
I imprisoned in green brackets what I thought was unnecessary, but only to share what I felt while reading.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amylian

Hi,

"He Who Saw the Deep"
By
Ali Makki aka Amylian

Listen (very carefully) to my story and wonder,
To the man who saw the deep,
Who roved The Land of Prosperity,
Swam in the Murky Muddy Lake,
Whose house was raked,
And life deeply at stake.

Everyday, I wake up in hope
That I would cherish the morning breeze,
That I would inhale the odor of fresh [COLOR="rgb(0, 100, 0)"](and fair)[/COLOR] air,
But all I see in front of me vanished into thin air, (you have a repetition here...)
It steeply descended into the mercy of the insidious plot,
Overcast with sectarian fumes. (this part isn't very clear, imo)

Everyday, from a distance I see Ereshkigal,
The Lady of Great Earth, spreading her wings,
Mocking us, daring to look from above down below,
Her tears flow, her sister hanged behind the throne,
Dying so godlessly slow.
While you and I are staring in awe,
Speculating, “Will this cease to be?”

It is not too long to witness
Laughter turns to weeping,
Love to hate,
The beautiful to ugly,
The good to evil.

Just look around the presumptuous Bulls of Hell,
Whose breath is the Irkalla, Look at them
Devouring the pastures and you shall know.

Indeed! Joy, too, has turned into suffering.
I wonder if we were put on this earth just to suffer
And cry…? [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"](you should rephrase this, for "suffering" and "suffer" are too close)[/COLOR]

No...!!

Shall we be a name for pity?

Every heart vibrates to that unbreakable
Iron string of sham kindness,
And only if we to break this string, [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"](do you mean "too"?)[/COLOR]
The Defilement of Dilmun would occur not.

Look (very carefully) and if you still believe
That a miracle would happen
To free you from this atrocious scenery,
You are wrong.

[COLOR="rgb(0, 100, 0)"](Alas)[/COLOR], Miracles have been stolen and there are none to be found anymore.

High and clear I shoot my voice at the deadly, calm waves.
To the spiral of bane that passes through these lanes and streets,
“Are you not tired of this?”

-

Best from B

Glad you liked it...lol Well, I noticed that when I've read it again and my professor told me that as well about "Capitalization"...!!! I think I need to work more on that one next time and try to implement it so perfectly...!!