The Awakened

For class we had to write a short story. this is what i wrote. i thought about expanding it and finishing the story...but first i want to know if its any good. please tell me what you think, love brutal honesty, and feel free to point out any errors or edits needed. Hope you enjoy:angel:

The Awakened Part 1

Failing miserably to lose myself in the world of Personal Demons, I watch trees zoom past the window then out of sight as tears silently run down my face, hoping for numbing thoughtlessness…The flames caress my flesh like an old friend, welcoming me home. A strong sense of tranquility overwhelms me as their loving arms embrace me. The peace is gone, replaced with agony…“NOOOO!”

“Zoey! Zoey, wake up!” Aunt Bea’s voice breaks the spell. “You were having a bad dream, sweetie…But we’re finally here. Your new home,” she announces proudly, gesturing to the gloomy grounds in front of me.

I’d never been to a boarding school before so all I had to compare it to was what I’d read in books and seen in movies; which led me to imagine extravagant buildings reminiscent of medieval castles. But this looked more like a prison than a magnificent structure of the past. The poorly kept grounds enclosed by a 20-foot-tall chain link fence topped in barbed wire with an imposing metal spike gate that creaked open as we approached looked like no home I’d ever want to live in.

“We were very lucky to get you accepted this far into the year. Amazingly, a spot opened up moments before I contacted them. I think this place is going to be really good for you, Zoey.” Aunt Bea says, parking the car and turning toward me, expecting a smile I suppose.

As I take in the isolated valley that the dilapidated buildings of the school lay in, the farthest thought from my mind is that this place could possibly be good for me. That this would be somewhere I could bear to serve out the remainder of my high school education. “Oh yes, this place is just perfect for me! A wonderful little prison in the middle of god knows where!” I reply sarcastically as we get out of the car.

“Zoey, is that the appreciation I get? I know you’re used to living in a bustling city, but the countryside has its advantages too. Look around, the view alone…simply breath-taking. Just give it some time. You’ll find there are many hidden treasures out here. Now, I want you to put on a smile young lady because the headmistress is coming our way.” I notice a tall, pale skinned woman with sunken in eyes approaching us. “Amelia, how nice to finally meet you,” Aunt Bea says as she shakes hands with the wraith.
“And you as well Beatrice.” Turning to me she says in a disgusted tone, “This must be Miss Hawking. It is my pleasure to welcome you to Eagle Valley Academy. I am Ms. Worthington, headmistress of this fine establishment.” Ms. Worthington seems positively overjoyed to be welcoming me. “I hope that you find your time here…enlightening. Now, if you will please head over to the Student Services Office in Building 10, the bluish-gray one across the courtyard, and ask for Mr. Nikkel. Your great aunt and I have to finalize some paperwork.”

Thoroughly under-thrilled, I can barley muster up a, “Sure.”

“Zoey, manners,” Aunt Bea scolds.

“I mean…Yes ma’am. Thank you for welcoming me Ms. Worthington. I’m sorry; who did you say I should ask for?” I reply in a false tone of courtesy.

“Mr. Nikkel, in the Student Services Office. He will give you the, what is it kids are saying these days, the ‘411’ on Eagle Valley, including your schedule and living arrangements. Good luck Zoey, I will check up with you at the end of the week to see how you’ve…adjusted.” Adjusted, what’s that supposed to mean? I do not like the way she said that. Ugh, not even five minutes in and I already have a teacher worried about me “adjusting” properly. Fabulous!

“Zoey, please try to behave and cheer up, this really is a nice place. Come give me a hug goodbye, we probably won’t see each other for quite some time.”

Hugging Great Aunt Bea is like playing tag with a mountain lion, something I would rather avoid at all costs. As they disappear into a building to the right, I set out to find Student
Services. Overgrown bushes and tree roots cover what appears to be the only way through the courtyard, so I decide to stick to a path around the perimeter; better to take the long way then be ensnared by a stray vine. “Zoey Hawking, afraid of nothing, traipses off into the gloom of California’s infamous haunted prison, Evil Alley.”

“Afraid of nothing, really?” comes a mysterious voice from the shadows between two buildings.

Startled I jump back, crouch into a defensive stance, and ask in a barely audible stutter, “Wh-wh-who’s th-there? I kn-know Tai Chi and I’m n-not a-a-afraid to use it!”

A deep rumble of laughter accompanies an immerging figure, “Tai Chi, isn’t that just meditation? Very intimidating.”

“A-actually, it’s a l-lethal form of m-martial arts!” I lie through my teeth, trying to remember how to perform the practical, defensive uses of the meditative motions.

“Relax. I’m not going to hurt you. Sorry about that, but you should’ve seen your face, priceless!” he chuckles.

Having gained courage with the knowledge that it was another human I was facing and not some dreadful minion of darkness, I confidently retort “You still haven’t answered my question. Who are you?” as I stand up from my defensive position.

“Where are my manners? I’m Caleb Apollino. And you are, Zoey Hawking?”

“Yes, now if you’ll excuse me I was going somewhere before you startled me.”

“So I heard, ‘California’s infamous haunted prison,” he laughs. “Maybe I can help you find it, because you must be lost. There’s no prison for miles around.”

“Have you seen this place? Looks like a prison to me.”

“Eagle Valley, a haunted prison! Far from it. Where were you really heading?”

“The Student Services Office to talk to, oh what was his name?”

“Mr. Nikkel is who you’re looking for. Follow me, I’ll introduce you.”

As Caleb joins me, I finally see his features clearly. Dirty blonde hair, piercing green eyes, and you can tell that he’s well built even under his oversized hoodie. Caleb, apparently having scrutinized me as well and liking what he say, locks me in a hypnotizing gaze. For a split second my mind runs wild with thoughts that would get me a one way ticket downstairs, and as if he could hear them he flashes me a wickedly devious grin and stops to look up at a building. Caleb opens the door and proclaims “Welcome, to the Student Services Office! Mr. Nikkel, there’s a new student here for orientation!”

In the barley shining lamplight, the office looks like a dungeon, complete with cobwebs and low ceilings. In the middle of the room is an ancient looking desk, behind which sits an equally ancient looking man with spectacles on the tip of his nose. He appears to be attempting to read, however, in this lighting I doubt he can make out a single letter on the page.

“Mr. Apollino, what are you hollering about? I do wish I could get a single moment of peace from your constant ruckus.” Looking up from the book, his eyes fall on me. “Oh, you must be Ms. Hawking. Thank you for escorting her Caleb, but your presence is no longer needed. Go bother someone else with your shenanigans.”

“Actually, Viktor I was thought I might give her a tour of the campus myself, so as to save you from stepping out into the harsh light of day. It’d be a shame if they had to replace you due to spontaneous combustion,” Caleb replies in an all-too-innocent manner as I try to suppress the laughter that is rising in my lungs.

Not realizing that Caleb had just made a joke at his expense Mr. Nikkel reprimands him for his impropriety. “Mr. Apollino, how many times do I have to tell you that you cannot call teachers by their first names?” Pausing to ponder his proposition, Mr. Nikkel sighs, “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with you showing Ms. Hawking around. Here is your schedule and your room assignment.”

“Thank you, Mr. Nikkel.” I reply as he hands me an ancient-looking piece of paper.

“Come on, Zo,” Caleb calls impatiently, already outside the building. As he saunters off toward what appears to be a forest, I realize that he has no intention at all of giving me a tour.

“Caleb, where are we going? Aren’t you supposed to be telling me what all the buildings are and stuff like that?”

“Did you really want a tour of this dreary place? Or do you want to do something fun?” he says with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

As tempting as that sounded, I now it would be a very bad idea. “Look, Caleb I just met you. I just got here. I really don’t know you well enough to go traipsing off alone and I definitely don’t want to get into trouble on my first day.”

“Oh come on Zo, you can trust me! And I promise no one will catch us, I do this all the time,” he replies playfully.

“How about a rain check? All I really want to do right now is go get settled in my room,” I say trying to emphasize how exhausted I feel.

Noticing for the first time that I’m carrying a duffle bag, Caleb takes and slings it over his shoulder. “Your wish is my command, Milady. You’ll be staying in the Girl’s Dormitory, of course, which is the purplish-grey building right next door to Student Services.”As he briefly describes the buildings and their uses to me, I realize that I am going to have to spend a sufficient amount of time in this dismal compound.

The courtyard is an overgrown garden that you could easily get lost in by taking one wrong turn, the buildings are all different shades of grey with absolutely no life left in their stone cold walls, and there isn’t a single town for at least 50 miles. What hell had I been sent to?

“All the rest are classrooms. There, I’ve told you basically all you need to know about Eagle Valley Academy. Happy?” He ends curtly, stopping in front of a purplish-grey building dejectedly because I turned down his offer of adventure.

“Thank you Caleb,” I say as I kiss him on the cheek and take my duffle bag back.

“Here you are, the Girl’s Dormitory. Would you like me to escort you up to your room?” he replies with a wink.

“Thanks, but I think I can manage from here.”

In a crestfallen tone, Caleb says, “Okay. Well, will I see you at lunch?”

He seemed so hopeful that I just couldn’t turn him down, “Of course, as long as you don’t mind me sitting with you. I mean, you’re the only one I know so…” I hated to encourage him, but he was the only person I knew, and he seemed pretty nice.

“See you soon. It was really nice to meet you, Zoey Hawking.” As we say goodbye, he gently kisses my hand, turns on his heel and disappears into the courtyard.
Slightly shocked at his behavior, but mostly flattered, I whisper into the stillness left behind, “Bye, Caleb.”

Shaking myself mentally, I step through an ominous doorway into a surprisingly welcoming lounge. There are people everywhere in a room full of HD televisions, junk food, study nooks, and more. Finally, someplace that I definitely won’t mind spending time in. Maybe things are starting to look up. Searching for my room, I climb three flights of stairs and finally find it at the end of the hall on the far side of the building. Knock, knock.

“Hello? Anyone in here?” I call hesitantly.

Apparently empty I turn the key and open the door. The room looks pristine, barley lived in. The right side of the room with a sheet-less bed appears more vacant then the left, so I throw my duffle bag on the desk and flop on the bed finally letting it set in. I was all alone in the world. No one left but Great Aunt Bea and me. To think, just a few weeks ago I was living happily in L.A. with my parents.

How did this happen? The police think I know, that I know but won’t tell them. But I’m really just as clueless as they are. I don’t know how I ended up safely on the front lawn while my parents were still inside. I really wish I could explain what happened, or better yet, that I’d been able to save them. But I can’t explain, at least not in a way that would keep me from being institutionalized. Giving in to how tired I felt, I decide to put these troubling thoughts from my head and take a short power nap before lunch...Everything around me is burning, the whole world is on fire. And I’m reveling in it, yes! Burn, BURN! As I call the flames to me, something changes. The ecstasy turns to hopelessness, something has gone terribly wrong…

“Who are you?” a timid voice from just inside the door asks.

Sitting up, I realize this must be my roommate, “Zoey, Zoey Hawking. I’m new here and I think you must be my roommate.”

“Roommate? Oh, um I’m Catherine Petrove, my friends call me Catie. I’m the um, resident know-it-all of Eagle Valley. Welcome.” Catie is a tiny girl, barley five-foot-two, with wispy blonde hair in a knot at her neck, and dark brown eyes like mine.

“Nice to meet you to, Catie.”

“Well come on, it’s time for dinner,” she replies setting down a large stack of books on her desk.

“Wait, did you say dinner? I was supposed to meet Caleb for lunch! I must’ve really crashed!”

“Caleb Apollino? That’s a bad idea; he’s definitely not a good guy.”

“What do you mean? He seemed nice enough to me.”

“HA! A nice enough guy! He is a rotten troublemaker. He was probably only nice ‘cause he was trying to get into your pants,” Catie scoffs.

“Let me guess; he turned you down one time so now you hold a grudge or something?”

“As if! Whatever, find out for yourself if you don’t believe me. Come on, you must be starving.” Catie leads the way to the Dining Hall.

I can’t believe that I slept for so long; I wonder if Caleb thinks I ditched him? While pondering whether he would be mad, sad, or oblivious, I notice a tall slender figure leaning against a tree just off the main path through the courtyard. He seems deep in thought. I’d never seen him before, but something about him is inherently familiar. I feel drawn to him, all I can think about is going up to him and…He must have felt my piercing stare because he opened his eyes and looked right back into mine. His gaze is not curious or friendly, it is purely hateful. There is no hint of kindness in those cold, hard deep blue eyes. Despite his obvious revulsion, I can’t avert my eyes. It’s not until he finally gets up and stomps away that I am freed from his hold on me. What was that all about? Am I going out of my mind? This place is seriously messing with my head! Come on, pull yourself together! As I watch him walk away, I want to know more about him. What is his name? Does he hate everyone, or is it just me?

Catie, realizing I am no longer walking alongside her comes back to where I’d frozen on the walkway. “Zoey, what’s up? What are you looking at?”

“Hmmm…oh, nothing. Hey, who’s that guy walking over there with the black hair?”

“That’s Ethan Alexander. He’s a total hottie, I know, but don’t bother wasting your time. He’s supposedly taken by a college girl; but who knows, that could just be rumor. Maybe he just carries around a picture of some random girl so people don’t think that he’s gay or something.”

“What does she look like?”

“Actually, she looks a lot like you. Red hair and…maybe that’s the only resemblance; I don’t really remember too much else about her. Now come on, if you keep dilly dallying we’ll never make it to dinner.”

“Okay, okay. I’m coming.” As we walk into the Dining Hall I can’t help but wonder why Ethan looked at me with such despise. I mean, he doesn’t even know me. How can you hate someone that you’ve never met?

“Zo! There you are! What happened to you? You never showed for lunch. I thought maybe you’d decided to pull a prison break and get out of here while you still could,” Caleb joked as he comes sauntering over to my side.

“Actually, I got up to my dorm and crashed. Sorry.” Well, at least he doesn’t seem to have taken it personally.

“Don’t worry about it. Come on, let’s get out of here; I know a much more scenic place to eat.” Caleb gestures toward the door.

“Caleb, I told you I don’t want to get in trouble on my first day. Let’s just eat inside.”

“No trouble, promise. Cross my heart and hope to die. It’ll be fun. You have to see this place; it’s almost as gorgeous as you.”

Trying to hide my blush, I turn back toward the food, “Alright, but shouldn’t we grab some food first?”

“Nah. I’ve got a hook up in the kitchens, there’s a picnic basket waiting for us around back.”

Outside, as we’re turning the corner, to where I assume the back entrance to the kitchens is, I run right into none other than hateful-for-no-reason Ethan.

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry Ethan. That was totally my fault!”

“How do you know my name?” He says, fuming mad.

“Oh, um, well, um, you see, um…C-Catie told me your name.”

“Did she now? Well, where are you two off to? I believe its diner time, and the Dining Hall entrance is that way.” He sneers, pointing behind us.

“Oh, um, well, you see, we were just, um…” I stammer, trying to think of some excuse.

“Shove off Ethan,” Caleb replies harshly.

“Ha! Wait till I tell Ms. Worthington that I caught you sneaking off with a girl, again!”

“You have no right to go poking around in my business. So if you will please just forget you ever saw us, we’ll be going. Come on Zo.” Caleb takes my hand to pull me into the forest. I feel like I’d just been hit by a tidal wave of desire, my reservations disappear and all I want to do is sneak off into the forest with him. Sneak off in the forest with Caleb and…what am I thinking? I am not that kind of girl!

I swear Ethan grimaces in pain for a split second but before I can be sure he grabs Caleb’s wrist in an iron grasp, god knows why! “No. It’s her first day here and you’re already trying to corrupt her! That’s low, even for you Caleb!” With a look of disgust he drops Caleb’s wrist.

“It’s not my fault if you want to play it safe and not interfere. Actually, you know what. I would really appreciate it if you would stop interfering and just let Zoey do what she wants to. And right now that’s coming with me.” Caleb retorted.

Totally confused I try to get a word in, “What…”

“Come on Zo. Let’s get away from this loser,” Caleb interrupts, pulling me away from Ethan toward the forest.

“What about the food?” I ask, trying to stall so I can think about what is going on.

“We’ll get it on the way back. You’re not really that hungry, are you?”

“I guess not...” I look back to see Ethan standing right where we left him, starring at us with a look of pure rage on his face. That decides it, I’m going with Caleb; amazing, sweet, no-death-glares Caleb. But as we reach the fringes of the forest, a vague memory comes back to me of when I was little and went to go visit my grandparents in the country for the last time before they died. They lived on the border of a forest, very similar to the one I was entering now. I got the feeling that the last thing I wanted to do was go into another dark forest.

“Caleb, do you think we could maybe not go into the dark, creepy forest?”

“What’s wrong Zo? Afraid?” he teases. “I promise it’s perfectly safe, I’m here to protect you,” he winks at me.

“I-I don’t really like forests. This one time when I was little I got lost in a forest and some really scary stuff happened. So, I kind of just want to avoid them. Can we please turn back, like now?”

“What I want to show you is just through a little of the forest. You’ll love it. And I swear I won’t let you get lost.”

“O-okay.” I say uncertainly as I cling to Caleb in trepidation. Sensing my uneasiness he puts his arm around me and holds me close.

“See, everything’s okay. Nothing scary, right?”

At that moment, I see a shadow stir out of the corner of my eye and it all comes flooding back to me. The time when I’d wandered off into the forest and the shadows came alive and chased me until I couldn’t find my way back out. And when I finally did, what was waiting for me…the thought made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

“Caleb, I really think we should get out of here. I have a very bad feeling about this.”

Suddenly, something wraps around my ankle and rips me out of Caleb’s arms, dragging me into the forest. I look around to figure out what it is but I can’t see a thing.

“Zoey! Zoey, where are you?” Caleb calls out in a panicked voice.

“Caleb! HELP!”

“I’m coming Zo! Don’t worry!”

Right, don’t worry. I’m being dragged off into the forest by god knows what! Definitely not something to worry about! The sound of Caleb’s voice is getting farther and farther away. This is the end, whatever is after me, whatever has been after me, finally has me, and there’s no escaping it. But then it lets go of me. Standing up, I look around trying to figure out which direction the school is. No idea where I am, about to give up and sit down, I see a spot of light off to my right in the distance. Please be a clearing or an exit. I head toward it. As I get closer, it becomes clear that it’s a fire. For some reason, this realization does not bring more fear but rather calm. I need to get to the fire. Everything will be okay if I can just reach it. All my problems will be solved if I can just be embraced by its warmth.

Mere inches away from the flames that I long for in the depths of my soul, a voice calls out to stop me. “Z, don’t!” It takes my hand and pulls me away. I can’t take my eyes off the fire, not even to figure out whom or what is taking me.

“LET GO! Let me GO!” I breathlessly yell, desperate to reach the comforting flames. Despite my greatest efforts to escape it, a being of light scoops me up in its arms and we rise up through the tree tops toward the moonlit sky. Looking down, I can see the fire dying. I reach toward it, longing to see it blaze through the entire forest, leaving nothing but ash, and for a second I swear the flames grow bigger, but then they die down just as quickly.

“That’s not something you should want to see, Z…You know, it’s not very smart to go off into a forest alone with a guy or to walk towards a forest fire…” a brooding voice with an amused tone interrupts my thoughts.

“Who are you? Wh-what are you?” I ask in amazement as I notice his gigantic black wings stretched out in flight. I try to see past the blinding light emanating from him, but I can’t quite discern his face. Where have I heard that voice before, it is so familiar but I can’t quite place it. I feel like I’ve heard it a thousand times, but that it’s not nearly enough. All I want to do is listen to this voice as he holds me in his arms, protects me from the horrors in the world.

“Shhhh, don’t worry about that Z. You’re safe now, and that’s all that matters.” A sense of complete serenity engulfs me. I will always be safe in these arms, these familiar arms…

“Zoey, wake up! You’re going to miss breakfast if you don’t get up, like NOW.”

“Hmmmm…Breakfast?” I ask, not awake enough to form a complete sentence.

“Yes Zoey, breakfast. You know, food. Ever heard of it? You already missed the past two meals. By the way where did you and Caleb disappear to last night? Don’t say I didn’t warn you about him!”

“Catie, I had the weirdest dream last night. But it seemed so…real; it couldn’t have been just a dream.” I mumble, remembering those familiar arms wrapped around me and being dragged to that fire, that inviting fire.

“Oh really, Sleeping Beauty? I’m sure you have lots of those. Now come on! Or we’re going to have to wait till lunch for food. COME ON!” Catie says, walking out of the room without me.

“Okay, okay. I’m coming…” I hop out of bed. “OUCH!”

“What’d you do? Tighten your shoelaces to tight?” Catie laughs, coming back in the room.

“No, it’s my ankle.” I pull up my jeans, which I apparently slept in, to see a bright red burn winding around my ankle up my calf.

“Whoa, Zoey, what happened?”

Realizing that last night was much, much more than a dream, I look up at Catie and ask in a ghostly whisper, “What is after me?”

To be continued…

You need to double-space the beginning of each paragraph. It's too hard on the eyes to read your story.

Well, I agree with JM that reading this put rather a strain on the eyes. It would be more reader-friendly with the occasional line-space.

As for the story - great fun, with enough of a supernatural undercurrent to stir up the imagination. It's well-written and one can tell you enjoyed telling the story. And I'm guessing there's a lot more intrigue to follow - as well as a sprinkling of romance presumably.

The humour was quite clever as well without trying to beg for laughs - Tai Chi martial arts so inventive.

If I had to pick any faults I would say there's far too much dialogue - and not enough description or scene setting. For example you describe the school grounds as gloomy and poorly kept. It would be better if you showed us by way of perhaps referring to rotted fence posts and weed-infested borders and overgrown paths.....

And as for the dialogue - people don't speak in long paragraphs the way you often have them doing here. I know it's a good way of imparting information, having your characters do it for you, but it was heavy going at times. Sometimes short, one word questions or comments, even the occasional 'Hmm', helps break up the monotony and can even put a little punch into the story.

Also it seemed that Caleb and Zoe spoke with the same 'voice' as the narrator - perhaps you need to look a little at varying their vocabulary so we can tell who is talking by the way they talk and help them come to life through their speech.

Perhaps some of the incidental details could be trimmed back to speed up the flow of the story as well.

The only 2 typos that stood out were - 'barley' grows in fields - I think you meant 'barely' both times.

And "As I take in the isolated valley that the dilapidated buildings of the school lay in, the farthest thought from my mind is that this place could possibly be good for me."

reads a little clumsily because it changes tense from 'take' (present) to 'lay' (past) to 'is' (present) to 'could' (past again).

If you are sticking to present tense as in the bulk of the story it would be better as:

"As I take in the isolated valley that the dilapidated buildings of the school lie in, the farthest thought from my mind is that this place can (or "will" ) possibly be good for me."

But overall a really enjoyable piece of writing

H