The Insomniac Journey

The railway station was so calm and benighted. Dubiousness increased within Dixon as he saw only three men in the entire station. One was wearing a jacket, which was patched at the elbow and chest. It vowed a look of street person on him. And the other was in kaavi (saffron) dress. He seemed to be a saint.


He was there waiting for the shadabti Express which would take him to Pune, to his Granny’s house for his tenth class vacation. He was frightened to travel all alone. Adding to his fear were the rumors, by his friends, about robbery and kidnapping in the train. But still he had decided to travel on his own. He stood there on the platform thinking all of this, with fear and anxiety growing within him from time to time.


The train was on time and he had managed to get in with all his baggage. He settled in his berth before even the train had started. He had a girl, of his age in his opposite berth. He was excited at the very sight of her.

Dixon kicked off his conversation with the girl as the train whistled. At first she spoke reluctantly. After some time he saw the book in her hand and started showing off his literary knowledge to her. Also he had read that book before. She broke out of her shell reluctantly to find him much more interesting.

He learned that she was Clara and she too was on her vacation to her Uncle’s house at Pune. He learnt that she was also on her own till Pune. He liked this coincidence.

Around Midnight she intermitted their conversation and went up to the Washroom. But as she got out of her berth and strutted few steps, she saw the street person out there near the washroom. He was sitting near the door. She felt timid to walk up to him, so she came back and sat in her berth. Dixon gave her a puzzled look. She informed him that she is sleepy and would like the lights to be turned down. His thoughts bloomed as the lights went down.


At midnight, after Clara slept, Dixon crept out of his berth and kept starring at her Clara. She seemed to be lovely for him. He then moved to the end of the compartment and lit up a cigar. As he was smoking gratifyingly, suddenly he heard a loud dreadful cry. He was panicked and he started trembling as the cry persisted. He thought it came from the far end of his compartment or from the next.


He had started walking towards it, when a fear sprang up in his mind. He was reconsidering his decision on the move, as his swiftness decreased for every tick in his watch. He had reached half the way through the compartment when he stopped. He heard the cry clearly from there and it seemed to him like a lady’s cry.


His imagination grew wilder and it seemed someone was harassing a lady out there. His thoughts started revolving around the street person who boarded along with him. Picking up some courage he moved further to see the saint moving out of a berth with blood strained clothes. The saint had something in his hands which were not clearly visible for him. The cry halted as the monk moved away.


He immediately ran back to his berth. He got in to his berth and drew the shawl over him. He kept thinking over and over about the saint. He doubted whether the man was really a saint or someone in disguise. When he got back to his senses he found Clara missing. He was totally throttled at the sight of it.

As he felt himself to be a Quaker, he recoiled from his berth looking out for Clara abnegating his own thoughts. He found no sign of her anywhere in the compartment after searching for more than a minute. As he approached the end of the compartment he saw the street person’s jacket lying there alone. He had found no sign of the Street person in the compartment as he was searching. His tears and sweat were fused on his cheeks and he seemed pale, as fear and confusion coupled in his mind.


Suddenly he became bravado for a moment as he stormed into the other compartment, where he saw the blood strained monk and heard a dreadful cry. As he rushed in there, he saw a lady lying unconscious in her berth. As he rushed further down the compartment he saw the monk cleaning a new-born with his clothes.


He came back to his coach with a sigh of relief. But still he was confused. He had no sign of Clara throughout the compartment. He saw Clara there lying in her berth quite comfortably. He stood astounded for a second.


Clara gave him a questioning look as he crept into his berth. He told her he was up there gratifying himself with a cigar. His retaliatory look made her hesitantly tell him that she went to the washroom and found him missing when she was back in her berth. Clara wished him and dozed off within fraction of seconds. He kept starring at her, insomniac for the rest of the night.


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This is certainly the best piece of yours I have read on here.

Despite a few grammatical slip-ups that might detract, it is well-written and has a good pace to it. You have also overcome the habit of repetition for most of the story (apart from paragraph 4 - 2 x 'reluctantly' - and para 11 which could probably be trimmed slightly as there are very many 'compartments'). I'm being extra critical here, of course.

If I may, I should also point out one or two parts that would be best changed purely for grammatical reasons:

para 1 - 'vowed' suggests someone has made a promise;
'It gave him the appearance of a street person' is better

para 6 - 'intermitted' ? 'terminated' makes more sense

para 7 - 'starring' should be 'staring'

para 10 - 'throttled' ? - 'breathless' makes more sense

para 11 - did you actually mean 'a Quaker' (a member of the religion called the Society of Friends who believe in non-violence) or just a person who is nervous?

and para 12 - 'he became bravado' does not make sense - maybe 'he found courage' ? - and 'strained' should be 'stained'.

H

@ Hillwalker:
I would surely write my next story much carefully so that i have nothing but a virtual pat on my shoulder along with the words "good work pal"
Thanks for your reviews. They help a lot.

with regards
kaushik