My Perfect Day !!!!

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10-15-2010, 03:36 PM
zoolane

My Perfect Day !!!!

My Perfect Day!!!!!!!

Today started just any other day. The sun was shining and warm. You could said 'that I had spring in my step'. I came home from a night shift.

I crept through back door into kitchen. I decide as it was her birthday. That I would make her favourite breakfast. Two toast with butter and jam. Full English with sausages, egg, tomato and beans. Top off with nice cuppa. I slowed walked in the room with her teddy tray. In my mouth I have red rose for my lovely.

She was still sleep and she look so peaceful. The alarm when off, she was stirring but she jumped up out of bed. When she saw me. She sat back down. She stead ed herself on bed with strange smile. She was eat her breakfast and enjoy to. The alarm went off again. She knock over the tray and she start to panic.

I walked over and give her cuddle but she did not want one. She was wriggle out under my arms. The pressure started to build up. Then I snap. I grab her by neck and held up against the wall. I gave her a slap across her left cheek. As soon I realize what I did. I held her go and she ran to the bathroom. I did live here once before you know
I do love her with all my heart and soul. She everything to me.

I told her that I was sorry and I will change. I promise I will.
She had locked the bathroom door. It was on suite bathroom, that I put in for her and which I painted soft pink. Then I notice that she had re painted the our oops sorry her bedroom. Now it lavender with soft white flowing curtains.

She was still in bathroom. I was being nice to her and even promise that I would leave. Only if she came out but she said ''No''.
She was called me names and mostly not very nice ones. I could feel myself filled with rage. I lashes out and put hole in the door.

I managed with cuts and all. I reached in and opened the door. She was hide in the shower but it had glass panel. I was try to be reasonable as I could. She was scream blue murder.

So I had no other opinion. I took out my calf knife which hide down my leg.
I made her watch as I stabbed myself and cut my own throat.
10-15-2010, 05:00 PM
hillwalker

This could have gone one of two ways - but you came up with a third one.

You have a dark imagination and a flair for writing quite graphic stories. Perhaps there could have been a little more build-up to increase the tension. The scary music started as soon as you reached the end of the second sentence when it might have been better keeping it in reserve a bit longer.

The ending was not what I had expected though.

H
10-15-2010, 05:30 PM
zoolane

Quote:

Originally Posted by hillwalker

This could have gone one of two ways - but you came up with a third one.

You have a dark imagination and a flair for writing quite graphic stories. Perhaps there could have been a little more build-up to increase the tension. The scary music started as soon as you reached the end of the second sentence when it might have been better keeping it in reserve a bit longer.

The ending was not what I had expected though.

H

I find so easy to written dark stuff. I think more of reality check for reader than anything else. This story arose because I had disagree with my partner early on.

3rd ending was the intention of whole piece. Which now has being edited.
10-15-2010, 06:09 PM
Delta40

wow Zoo. I love how you drew me in with that sweet maternal touch of a breakfast. I was thinking she was your child before I thought better and realised you wrote wearing the shoes of a man. You captured the cycle of violence here so grippingly. I'm flabbergasted...
10-15-2010, 07:42 PM
Jerrybaldy

excellent zoo. A surprise ending is hard to come up with in these all knowing days and you did it brilliantly. I also admire your ability to put yourself on the other side of the table so well. The temptation for many would be to write this through the eyes of the victim.
well done
Jerry
10-16-2010, 03:37 AM
zoolane

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delta40

wow Zoo. I love how you drew me in with that sweet maternal touch of a breakfast. I was thinking she was your child before I thought better and realised you wrote wearing the shoes of a man. You captured the cycle of violence here so grippingly. I'm flabbergasted...

Thank you for great comment. I'm flabbergasted myself with stories I wrote recent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy

excellent zoo. A surprise ending is hard to come up with in these all knowing days and you did it brilliantly. I also admire your ability to put yourself on the other side of the table so well. The temptation for many would be to write this through the eyes of the victim.
well done
Jerry

You're right how easy it would being to write this has victim. that why I chosen not to.
I did write one early in week called 'The Box' from victim point view.http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=56635