Concessional Condition: 16th Year

Concessional Condition: 16th Year

Am I simply a repulsive force,
That disperses all whom I may enjoy sharing company with?
They remain blissfully unperturbed by my annoyance,
Yet where does that leave me? A spent husk
Discarded and left abroad to stave off my own
Dispositional pleasure.

A warm debilitating tear beneath an eyelid
Fears to vacate it's womb,
Never has it felt so unmistakably cold.
But again, I rise to the next day,
And the untestable time of the former hours
Are notwithstanding an apparition of my greatest fears.

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Hope you enjoyed :)

I can't claim to have understood this but I do recognize and admire the individuality of the voice and the seriousness of your style.

Welcome to the Forum

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

I can't claim to have understood this but I do recognize and admire the individuality of the voice and the seriousness of your style.

Welcome to the Forum

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Thank you very much :)

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Originally Posted by Wade-newb

Hope you enjoyed :)

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Not so much enjoyed, as tried to but did not quite succeed.

I liked the opening two lines of verse 2 very much because the image is truly poetic, but much of the rest left me unmoved.

The style and language are cold and quite lifeless and the whole piece ended up a bit like someone complaining arrogantly that no one 'gets' them, but almost proud of that fact.

Perhaps it was an exercise in displaying alienation - in which case it was probably successful. If Spock wrote poetry I guess it would sound like this.

Clever and well-crafted it undoubtedly is - but too clinical for me personally.

H

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

Not so much enjoyed, as tried to but did not quite succeed.

I liked the opening two lines of verse 2 very much because the image is truly poetic, but much of the rest left me unmoved.

The style and language are cold and quite lifeless and the whole piece ended up a bit like someone complaining arrogantly that no one 'gets' them, but almost proud of that fact.

Perhaps it was an exercise in displaying alienation - in which case it was probably successful. If Spock wrote poetry I guess it would sound like this.

Clever and well-crafted it undoubtedly is - but too clinical for me personally.

H

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Thanks for the crit :) It's much appreciated.

You're welcome.... and don't let the comparison with Spock stop you posting more.

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Originally Posted by hillwalker

You're welcome.... and don't let the comparison with Spock stop you posting more.

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It won't :) Thanks again for being so welcoming :)

Please could I have some more crits? :)

I don't understand the title.
I get the misunderstood feelings within the main body and I particularly liked:

A warm debilitating tear beneath an eyelid
Fears to vacate it's womb

Welcome.
JerryB